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Dress Code: ; n' e: Q% k7 _' y l) T3 V" X% ~
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. " B5 [# N2 S' V
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
7 u$ V! S5 Z* z3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
2 c$ W9 F/ m" Y4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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# ^$ A: }3 @/ F: Q" JSick Days: 9 l3 _# @" P! K, V: ?" w
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 0 }" Z6 j+ T( R( e& W
0 p$ K3 G' g$ `; p# y6 JPersonal Days:
% }+ n! A3 c4 Z3 X( ZEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
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Bereavement Leave:
- t1 f4 Q7 j3 \5 r9 B( y1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
9 O6 F0 e9 N7 _5 V2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
2 A3 V' h0 i4 s8 d3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. & ?- o5 a0 M! Y, |: \* ]( E# ?! q
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
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: i4 v( m7 q+ K @9 y' B4 V, k6 eBathroom Breaks:
" `% W: w: j2 n# M( y& _% @6 n6 J1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 7 D* \' y6 a1 k$ V9 H
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. ' L/ p6 B4 P Y) K( O6 S8 P& |
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. E( q0 `- l2 h8 I& W; x7 G. T
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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Lunch Break:
, {4 J$ j5 Y8 J5 U2 e8 \1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. ( V$ D9 [9 ~- m. j2 z1 V! y
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. . G. n( W4 x. e3 R4 j0 G6 N, u
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. , {* t. N$ h9 p" a6 k0 Z* y0 j! M r
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. ~, z6 g& v+ ^
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The Management 9 g' H" R! H% ~: p
/ ^. S5 H: I2 h: ]$ D9 `Pass this on to all who are employed. |
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