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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
* t8 Y, A+ A+ a+ v; |6 x2 X$ [wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 p2 `; H4 Y& n, h8 ]: y9 h" g$ Z! O2 s* q
into a regular workout routine.
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4 L4 g, p% }; C9 K/ NDear Diary:. ?0 g1 G, u* g, m
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
+ Z \# X. `. D3 \ q+ M4 Yweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 T# F! d- M- [' {! Qam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
- [: j' Z6 q3 M8 B! L6 Eyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a }: w/ e* `2 w1 y
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer* u+ {7 ^# |# K& U+ v
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
7 B7 H0 ^5 U/ o8 zinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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0 r% D0 K% ~6 y% G# ~3 p. RMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
! q c B0 s( g5 ], rencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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" h( y0 ?, Z* C; ^9 wMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 O) m( p$ Q! ~7 L: M* hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for9 e3 b! h k) O# y$ \1 r2 M5 [! V5 x
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! M7 A1 F' [/ @eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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, G% d( |" Y: p7 i, _She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed/ [( V2 n+ d7 r5 i3 D% n, ]4 t
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her4 x! K' U0 ?- s5 P
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in$ z8 o' d$ f& b$ a0 H
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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# x0 L2 \- p5 J* \Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. f! s1 |# T! j+ t
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she6 Y% A8 U) e9 a# l+ E
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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8 C1 l q7 R0 w/ N: f$ z$ u, e4 STUESDAY:' S( P5 Q: ?3 Y
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.' l' f9 y: J% ]* S! a" a- F
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,1 M I/ w! m/ q9 g1 n: V" G# d: h0 P# X
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the. p: `0 o% }+ e8 S0 Q
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
1 i' o4 @8 A( x1 T$ w+ o7 C4 Xall worthwhile., j$ d6 y- {/ v/ w) V1 V
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:2 C) B' J w4 `6 h8 J7 s
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
& S' p+ N" l3 Y* O- kthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ }! o1 \1 _) La hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to) ~; P4 o/ j; ~; }+ r
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams' d) E4 z* h$ [, X9 Z* c0 A
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
, ^, p& C0 e( Z1 w% Eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine9 J G1 T& M+ B' r2 R- w
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so9 a. N% W) U. L5 t" P0 ^
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a0 j% r0 A7 ?3 \
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" Y3 D$ A5 F: P! _: I f5 _4 ttold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.# j5 ^# V1 Z7 F' L
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:0 Z" `% H' W- w* a- h
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as( g0 M' q3 I( [% n! p/ ? V$ d
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help# k3 r: a- o' }4 {6 f3 [ J
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda2 c3 g/ c, O8 Y" y
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
& r3 w* Q( k: s# R/ }; g# j! `hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing' A+ F* b" [ t: S
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
7 |6 h7 d& A9 Y( q7 G8 i+ EI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated2 Q1 R: {* _8 k' F* f
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,4 Y- a( b* ?: g H6 v0 P- x8 [
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 F3 s6 w9 i5 i: G* u# zcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ |- N& ^3 g3 m* Gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!, n4 B/ {4 Q1 N) i
" D6 j0 b% S- w# e( ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 g) p4 s8 ?2 C& w; u$ Zthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ K& W6 N% D$ f0 [
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach0 ^! T. _* c2 p1 Z, S" V5 j
or the choir director?
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* y/ T# K, H; h# c' Z1 i+ C9 ]SATURDAY: I% _ K2 Z) X# O( b) m$ Y! c0 h
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
; f: }, ~8 Z7 E5 {+ fshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her8 F9 U! D/ h& B- k( O, f
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the3 b3 j9 p1 c* [( T- V- i" t
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 H& m1 C5 g6 y4 Ghours of the Weather Channel.0 M; b- t3 k3 ]
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SUNDAY:
6 B/ V% f7 Y) P: e+ K/ DI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
7 l1 e& [1 r1 `0 m3 e$ vand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
r, M# [9 K6 `4 R/ bmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like& o1 h# I) W+ h3 n4 r
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
