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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something9 {9 h2 P# Z2 E8 @
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
5 K' F* d) ~% N" Y' J e, Finto a regular workout routine.# R/ o$ R4 e) A! A
$ j6 g# |& H7 }( _$ BDear Diary:: p/ m* h, U, I' ]4 F
3 K+ G# K% v1 BFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
1 ]- h6 g2 r: t" eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- z# D2 r$ j, |" d2 o, Kam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25* Y% A" C3 T; Z; @
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 O: F( D: ?8 ]/ }- X+ \try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
: e6 k2 B) r# Hnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics1 x! ]# r4 m1 g
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.: H" E1 [$ m7 J2 c* K
" V7 c2 m' I$ o, @) W6 `: eMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
5 n7 }% L% ^2 V: {; jencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:( s @3 s9 y+ {
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well; }. k% @8 k- g0 f! n
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for: X- z, \0 M" c' v6 a! n1 @6 z
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing p4 ^0 N& {8 C" m3 u; [
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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9 ]7 j3 k/ o7 u3 ?. w. tShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
; V7 ~ ?7 u8 e5 d( `that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
! G4 [5 F( l' Win her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in. r1 o3 A; ^) V& _
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,+ X; s* @8 M6 Z/ C+ ~( s
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she" d- w6 i5 x- G C% c7 ?' h; h/ b
was around.7 l( g+ \: `# [; D- P" l7 y# H2 E
6 H) ^& [1 o- X6 K) g |0 w+ E) }8 rThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!1 w) }; n5 w/ D2 @$ @( g( h
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TUESDAY:
: {% U0 y( I0 T/ g, SI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
- o% F& x3 f# D( l4 WBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,. g0 g# p [2 r" M0 x: [4 j* {
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
1 I( Z6 c) x6 otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it1 \) [& D6 b) u% {% J
all worthwhile.& Q9 z+ N& t6 z
W, m- T( v0 M8 U( hI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
$ J6 ]; Z" e! D: x3 p8 m; x: H) cThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
1 c4 _0 w8 u# K3 rthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
: J+ D8 `4 N( [7 p# a4 a/ e1 Ra hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to/ f9 B& w% S" q C% b8 Q9 W8 n- x
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams8 q' p& ~5 K# T/ P4 D& U
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
3 s* @: b T1 [, Z! x S dearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
# i; P$ A' A0 w- x2 N0 U' W. f: `: _that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so( N/ b& e) ^4 o5 o# {6 b
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
. n9 m1 P# o8 c* ^2 N3 M; wmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda" G5 @! ^1 _7 `
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.0 C- I/ P8 Q6 c/ [: Y, {( y
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She said some other shit too.8 V& A, p7 L0 e+ q
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THURSDAY:
5 q8 u, i8 z) t T. e( Q' Q8 JBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as1 w" E& Z; N' _6 b. q2 P3 l. @
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help5 J! H0 l* O3 T4 ~9 F6 v7 J
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( G! E0 _* c* _! f1 @: v: Jtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and+ I; W9 `6 g' B
hid in the men's room.6 s1 I' z0 B( ]& F; `
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing; ^& }7 Z7 H( W8 [- M% E7 L
machine -- which I sank.5 ? x) v) v1 J: q5 q0 I( z
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FRIDAY:
! H" b8 S' r1 W) oI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
3 N% G. I) c8 m0 C kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,8 X5 ?; H. x% m, b; h# R
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I( g5 z9 \( \2 f4 R
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda- b! w) c1 J( e0 s! m; E
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! D8 m4 B! J, Z- X$ W
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me, Q( T" `' `, U% a' D4 s* a6 ?
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 Q- r W! W6 |: mteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- [ R3 D6 X: e9 i. t( Bor the choir director?
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7 d9 l, f# t- U0 Z) rSATURDAY:( x) b! ]$ ~' \* S
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,9 q" M! I/ y U: S4 T+ l( k4 V
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her$ U1 ~7 [ v* `7 x
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
: r7 N. V7 ]' p+ istrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight2 A6 c3 V, f9 B. I
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:6 W% z6 Q# d" F
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
& @( h5 |- p: oand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,5 p L. X+ J: I5 t
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like( x8 u: r& x5 ~) b% r' g
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
