WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
- A2 B% e% Y- i0 n/ K. zwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
8 {; h5 {- ~% F0 o& P* ^: t/ C  Binto a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' s8 n/ t% s9 i/ Bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
) b* z% X* ~1 x+ d( Yam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
! h5 h2 t' }" `* G3 ?try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
( X: ^" }* A7 \! m) X* X: Ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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, m! w7 T3 u* u- N, L- H* IMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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1 `, ~2 @6 M& t$ T) w5 O* `+ JMONDAY:

) X6 C3 @, Z( T2 V: a! W7 {Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
5 |1 a$ {* Y8 Y7 [6 {" W3 uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
0 Q# T( C2 y6 K, _/ R: Vme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

6 v. ?" X9 c' pShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
, a) `; F3 w( z+ r( y: J9 Jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
- |2 ^8 c9 w( _  l! R& ^I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
2 p' j5 i8 l+ P0 d. b! gand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
3 Q* C. @( F0 g3 e  P& a5 Zall worthwhile.
" v- y! ]8 q2 T3 o% n
2 H7 ?$ l% r0 ~- K6 tI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

' a4 e0 y8 S2 \& \' I, c8 ^" bWEDNESDAY:
$ x  s: \* M& M  IThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
; v) K$ q5 b) Ta hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" V0 \4 a" u5 H7 x7 ~0 Osteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
; D9 F- `. w8 n& g) X/ g1 D" Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ B* r. B& g! Z! u2 R# gmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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8 x+ P+ h; \  m- P2 c% t8 J/ kShe said some other shit too.

9 o: ?. s: t; xTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
+ Y2 X+ N: B& E; m8 e4 T/ ?: Xbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
7 u& s; ~; l- B: \. Q0 `  Gtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
* I+ W4 t, g6 e  T2 d8 Mhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
8 T5 a+ e" y) ]( J/ W9 D0 R8 Amachine -- which I sank.

" m3 {" {6 r' h2 l1 sFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 v7 ?/ E# {1 zanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
+ v2 D9 o2 d: G: a8 qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

) }5 u( {6 r: Y2 K3 V/ ZAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ |4 ]# L) O# F1 k& Z/ ateacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
, t* }7 x6 b# s  ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
% D/ x2 o8 y! jhours of the Weather Channel.

2 |! [, h. U2 nSUNDAY:
$ U* _( M  H: C# L& a4 i, pI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ F5 t5 ?9 W5 B. z" Ra root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.