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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 c, A, v' A# Kwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get7 O2 t8 g6 ^* ~% \8 \
into a regular workout routine.7 s( E7 e0 A7 S5 X7 H4 a* B
5 W7 D% |4 K. J3 P) c( e1 vDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
- H5 y, d+ q4 F/ ^1 i! c& g- m% Eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ [! E+ a3 D3 M7 M' Yam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25' l5 y; v3 E: ]7 o* R' l9 I q" K
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
1 d6 k) z, v# K, Ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer# j6 a- Y5 r( G4 u" h
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics; Q' m8 v! k* c
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 g% K. e. V6 L$ S$ a1 g. X
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
. ^1 C6 q3 V. t- oencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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# ^4 z) X4 W+ NMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
) [# B6 L. t, v2 i3 uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
$ w l3 L/ C4 j$ p4 g& Y; Xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing6 R/ t8 Z% m5 j; @6 Z& d
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed; D$ v4 o$ e4 ^3 c8 A2 K, Y) X8 M
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
6 m) U& i: q$ v @+ e6 o# Ein her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, e6 J* S: J/ ~0 e8 Qwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.; e& y' C9 g$ p6 {* C* H
: i& I6 \% z! \8 }& T9 HVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
: |0 `2 z" @6 P$ s$ A/ Nalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she; a2 B1 @* d( f Q" x
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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2 g5 T3 ^8 Q% W2 y+ N- fTUESDAY:8 m) I4 \" `" ~$ L: `* Z
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
s; k2 K1 O: o9 f' HBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,1 L2 h1 g( o/ C. R0 _* t; W2 Z2 j
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the- H4 }2 E4 J- x" b8 z
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it" N* e9 F/ Q# t: w' }* \
all worthwhile.
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; x3 K4 @5 v9 M6 g' Z. f4 iI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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+ `6 g3 Q! [- ]; [WEDNESDAY:! D F) B+ f: l- X- Y
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on7 M+ B1 w" n: F w+ K) }- k7 {
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
. `' v3 X6 o- H* ua hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
7 L1 R* ~) _3 ]- v6 S4 a' asteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
# f6 d9 }7 q7 M3 C; q3 ^, cbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ r! O& P" N! U# A# l/ u" v' |% Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine" f+ W! S7 T6 B: v$ R v3 I
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
% [* L6 a0 j2 z6 K3 r! jBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* X2 A8 N# B" f" K3 f$ X! j/ Vmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ n, V) S; Q! A4 a
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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1 ^1 }1 G3 `" P9 Z0 \7 oShe said some other shit too.$ Q3 K( n/ c7 H+ d. D% C! b
+ u+ x, ~8 U8 q0 [) aTHURSDAY:0 n9 A4 H3 s) t \# R
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
( ~, U$ f; p# x5 x+ nher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help% L3 ?# g8 `, _5 H: x' l3 Q% k
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
& j8 R3 S& Z/ S, D. L4 ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and) R1 W2 [$ S9 [' B) o. t6 j# _
hid in the men's room.5 m% p y- X: { t) S
+ l6 `2 Y# E) ]She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing" m z. I. j' o, D3 ]" g6 p
machine -- which I sank.
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+ p- T" K) U0 AFRIDAY:
. l( d3 R& `$ T0 `+ n- x- BI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated- p1 t3 w2 H# ?& w: F& A5 b
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,: V( m9 H/ O- y9 W, {- d
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
) w' U; p, j. C/ k1 f2 Mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' ^% C0 }2 i1 u+ I" Gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me8 _7 h3 z0 s* _& b _
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.0 H7 j: P: z" X. b; {( @/ W
$ w$ D/ I8 L9 sThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
4 W* Z4 m( m9 \! ]& i* W' ~- o0 Qteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach& B) b5 r0 l# G
or the choir director?! b' @+ u L' a X9 M
- V0 p! }4 [; k/ D. }) ^SATURDAY:
* P m7 V9 c3 }9 QBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
- m4 {. B( B8 H, eshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
% G, D7 j( z( Z8 i9 [, n5 qmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
- \& d) o& w3 g V+ v: |strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight8 J, o* W+ R8 ]
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:) F% U% Z: E: Y( [2 q
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go8 h4 w n+ U! L& A8 b7 w. o. ~
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* v/ F( D9 O1 m2 |) E4 Rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like% L7 }" A# m4 P& f' w
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
