WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
4 E; f9 S. Y4 r* Z% |into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
$ ]( c/ c# I6 f$ b
6 P4 W9 O  k+ c' b- g& g% jFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
1 L; {0 t+ k) }/ atry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 |/ g1 |* D  I- _! O5 ^7 g$ hnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
' F! K7 G! O* P0 Ginstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
. J$ U+ {# c5 P1 ^0 N  j: ]
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
/ H( B5 u2 F' q. [! n' I
" n: r1 R& N( i! ^8 PStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
0 |+ I( I6 T0 ]- ~1 zme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

+ t6 B+ y# M" o' Q+ ]+ wShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
: ^  j, f. k7 u* V& Y& j( ]( bthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
* Q& h2 {/ Q. s* Qin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
6 `3 d3 ]; {3 awhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

/ f5 ~" i5 H/ f* A7 s; o8 J: |Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
1 @3 ]2 z" m5 ?# Ialthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
$ A. _! i/ W5 Y5 f: A
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
$ }. j! L& V, T! \
; ^% ~" C& ?  V# h. q9 s; N5 M  [TUESDAY:
( K$ r. f7 C; P% i& }8 E- b( iI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, A. u; D& L1 yand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
0 Z) M5 Z4 z7 w" ~treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
- R- ]0 r4 i% f) K' q
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
' o; O2 V/ Y9 M
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! R* R# r% z% \( }7 m) t- m% dbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
) N6 c9 o  M  T( m' u, Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  S( G7 c1 |; d0 ?
She said some other shit too.

2 J1 U1 A: M: G8 h* {' |% N1 ]THURSDAY:
) m8 F( K5 Z+ h+ \$ |  p) KBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; W- k( l( h2 T6 yher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
. C* `8 W: C- j
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
2 v- y: o4 _8 i, kI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
# E- x9 U' N& L- Dany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
( y5 Z( d; m0 Z% j+ tcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

5 I# s4 B! I+ h& k/ s+ ?And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
3 A& w3 d! h; w2 U
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
% w  T/ }' \8 O- j: wteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
8 E% _1 A9 S8 k3 b9 t' z5 por the choir director?

" S/ W* T  V' XSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
3 a5 H4 G6 G) M0 }2 K) w' @% |5 }shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
9 c9 B2 F2 x3 r) J: _# w9 U* gstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
, i+ C# X) Q8 m' ^+ X! |* W1 _hours of the Weather Channel.
; K' J; R2 C# u3 u
7 c6 ^  z( n* A' a: C% b" nSUNDAY:
" z: A/ Q2 B7 J+ j. L5 N. {I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
; Y9 g5 }# I! c& p2 V3 W3 Xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
  C! o' K+ f# p9 ~+ ^- Y0 A# X% d# B2 _my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.