WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
( x. y2 T7 V! x# j/ [6 w; Jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
- Y' U# T% Y0 n! [- \: ^into a regular workout routine.
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. P! z& N  b& A7 a4 u7 G+ @Dear Diary:

2 P' P4 D+ v6 g( DFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
6 O# ?& i: i4 p3 _  {7 g0 |4 Bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
4 c& I( C6 C6 Y( W" F/ Z6 z4 Bam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
, o$ ~# u  G5 j  R% @years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
2 s6 S+ S$ k/ E( V; Q+ Mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
0 J# U9 z2 e( `8 B8 A" v
6 Z; D  j/ W2 vMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
3 f# H* E6 y+ j- e$ m( N; y# |% {
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
+ w) D( h; r3 U9 ?; tme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 q+ S7 R: \/ B  Deyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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# X% I* s8 |5 E( e( O0 I+ R% sShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
# J$ |3 _7 d! }. {( `8 L. Wthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
. T$ K' p/ m  }9 uwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

. M" b2 P( [6 A5 F0 KVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

' X  m; e" V# a( WThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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* U* D/ J1 M+ f- [6 S4 v  {TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 ]& l, M/ _8 A. Yand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
4 z- ^& }/ s2 D5 P8 g+ Mtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
, B0 i5 m! T2 x# aall worthwhile.

) b0 _+ {* I5 K! qI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
' i2 W8 H' j- I# ^; CThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
! C% n: |& j' n" p3 e' Y" {' _. ~the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
: G/ d* p. B" D; b8 j; ka hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) j, h, G( }! }7 s8 o, A! k3 nsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
" \* }* p1 \+ E! i5 ?+ S3 [2 Uearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
8 M2 j/ F7 P6 ~5 A( ~that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
% o7 N# j# [& p1 {. wmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.

- X1 C7 E1 y! Y+ VTHURSDAY:
5 v; f" a! I4 e% M) k( pBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
/ _* C* f7 ^& W- a% p1 b* d! wher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
3 j) f7 Q! o; G- s& s# d5 k' d3 Vhid in the men's room.

! I: `3 _7 f' I7 K2 l0 L  D" `( d6 {# [8 LShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
' i! I& h0 _' C. c. Nmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
* K$ W9 s& D. h( p( YI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
, F( c) ~- X# D9 ~" Xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! U: T" w3 J1 |2 x. \- v3 ^( Ianemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
9 U" [  k, w2 M. ]the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

$ G7 l1 C  |2 E& Q; yThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
/ ~; G  r9 ?: T% X* |5 wteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

; u! k  h/ d! F" n9 U7 MSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
' Q( [$ e) ^. m$ U; D: g6 o4 ]! ~+ rshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
5 _& a4 G# n( |5 f' qmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

1 t7 W! z& M8 ZSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
( ~, ]' H2 W" h6 kmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.