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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something2 o$ [5 q6 l+ r* T
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get' R' _: _: ^3 O3 {2 H3 n! C
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:4 J2 I7 F1 K5 b
) {$ Y+ k. g$ @For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a/ U6 V4 P. N1 S* ^. q% B
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
[' o" O7 V" d' Y e1 ?am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25/ N6 Z. L7 y b- O7 }4 t. b
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
, j+ W' Y* x8 }/ Itry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. \+ {5 i7 `# |2 R
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
~- n D2 B& _" Winstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.: ~; A' `3 t! J1 y/ S
" w/ n6 j5 a$ ~8 _/ pMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club1 \/ r- x R) w, k' {$ Q
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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. m7 H0 x/ H% @* B0 K% @Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
3 O- k& T/ Z! [3 t! Q# m4 yworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
7 M( G) i% s o( t- F9 f4 Vme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
4 p3 z1 d! a# G4 u! A% f' a. seyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! h4 Z$ p0 {: Z
) _7 E4 T* _% ?5 V. z& fShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed- c3 ?2 {' Q9 d8 P8 R% [
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
1 U3 q+ B/ q2 Gin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in2 ~3 ~$ G; _3 I9 ]. y; ?, p
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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# F' |4 P) W+ M4 q z9 aVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
' J+ |9 J+ j% V$ r* `9 Palthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
7 Z2 f# S( C6 N! }% R( z7 Mwas around.3 E: a) @8 C. P/ F# [
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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* ^0 V( M/ z9 fTUESDAY:2 U6 K6 [8 a* `. X
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
: u+ V% ?3 r6 l8 D4 aBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,1 r/ H- }3 I4 W' e- x
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
2 |0 ~! Z) d( N, Ktreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
; [9 e0 [* a( a% H Kall worthwhile.3 T9 s N7 ]% U/ |, V
8 O6 [. |: U l& `; r; x- ]+ MI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.0 Z/ q3 e; |6 B
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WEDNESDAY:0 f% J, |( c K1 o6 U. w
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on( k# w& g2 \' a# L
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have0 a0 ` r! I4 U/ H2 i! B, ^% y' R
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to- J- z' G6 u* b E9 z6 S$ L
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
, [! B7 g r1 D( u8 a( ]/ Tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for4 |# e- c0 }4 n u
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
$ h2 }; A/ J3 w# Ithat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
2 F7 m6 R; z" [; ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
5 ], o( W* M; |2 U7 tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ g( J( L4 i5 [1 f3 S; F( e U
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. z4 z! t- D1 }' c7 g. R
/ m' H6 l1 Y; s1 MShe said some other shit too.
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# i3 i" p& @; z7 h aTHURSDAY:
& C' b2 G, a" ABelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
6 c R( H/ i cher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
) U8 @+ a' R( |$ Ebeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda f8 }+ \. |0 ?! x; m
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
6 O7 ?% H. V, M7 Z; Yhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
- R& L2 @1 S6 y# l! q$ `$ F j2 Qmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:+ t4 Q- q, ~& O) k
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
$ [" } I; v- g# Jany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 X1 w+ o& k: B& M Tanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
# y& [1 V5 P {9 B$ r( `5 @could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda. @$ r$ F# Z/ P/ K5 R, F# m. \
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!% b% ]4 u; K; n
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
9 ^6 P% q% B7 J3 E& athe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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# J5 |6 f( T, [+ w! @The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition/ A6 e2 Y+ l, f4 b, Q
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
3 h8 n2 A8 Q* [4 B* F. B& ?or the choir director?: U$ g5 {1 L! m0 y7 N/ i
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SATURDAY:
' L7 T7 p. l" t: S' [0 i# mBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,( Z2 b" I0 t2 I' m3 m7 o$ z/ s3 A
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her! c5 i6 \# W$ y6 E
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
; l \" R" m7 t' fstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
t% W4 a0 |- Q" W+ hhours of the Weather Channel.
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8 k& C h: W* {7 l4 I- [SUNDAY:
. Z% n3 H3 A6 A* m1 d7 FI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
4 s. `( o; p3 L8 [2 ^) R: L1 j. Eand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,5 m6 F7 @1 o4 A! J
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like2 E& a( p& w3 O& R
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
