WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 ]8 ^5 W: z9 ]# G, f" L, \wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
1 ^4 @8 T& a! n
6 S% l( N. U6 {  ^, xDear Diary:
6 d9 N) i  @+ M! g7 ]5 N) e; I
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
9 Z; E; M& t* @  {& gweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
9 r* Q1 F5 z5 I8 ~! z, Y/ kyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
$ ]/ k- U5 K% Z* Ptry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
4 O8 G. T* d! Onamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
$ S! t, o  L. W3 ~" sencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

+ `$ ]/ ]2 g# B) P9 N  N5 xStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
" ~7 [  j; k4 H" F/ Ome. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

0 m; P5 `% o" q& b* b8 \, LShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ o1 R( L" i( E, cin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
2 {9 ]) k$ d& B
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
0 _6 T+ a* T5 B, p% A  k) Iwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

! E! ?2 q$ D3 p) b$ GTUESDAY:
& |) e: t" d9 I3 ~. S& u- Q) QI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 _# z  d' x7 ]2 yBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
- \/ v4 h* i9 y$ E' l% y3 xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
. j/ g  B  R0 j0 P: aall worthwhile.

1 J! y* a5 Y' Z1 ?6 o: @7 |I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

7 u6 H1 A; m* XWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
' P4 l# [" `2 t9 d2 Vthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ x( J  d  X* G' K0 o+ i5 D2 i; nmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: r- P7 Z0 U. [3 ?9 Dtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  b8 s. W  I/ J2 R% H
She said some other shit too.
2 u; t+ `: a* v8 d/ S
THURSDAY:
4 a$ q  n  ?! w+ ~+ X1 m+ uBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

+ l& l4 L# q4 O2 L# HShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
% O  y5 j3 {$ z6 r* `0 o+ Pmachine -- which I sank.
# B: D+ {0 g. R! ~# ~; h
FRIDAY:
) _% D5 ~- [1 p5 b& ]% {; hI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! x/ J3 Z, F3 @3 Nanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
+ S* j6 Z% V  W3 B" U1 qwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
% }: y: U- ?, n! F
  T8 C$ \$ h" x1 U: rAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

7 p( F$ J: U1 S. Z" zThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
% c) K+ `7 r; c# j! o8 m; F/ K  t. N* A
7 C7 Z4 `: m( k9 q+ Z# bSATURDAY:
+ ~7 D: }5 S' V  U, \Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
  h/ j# \! b) Z+ W1 V8 H# omade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
; A8 _6 [4 w( Lhours of the Weather Channel.
# r" x( K8 I* L( E2 @
SUNDAY:
. a# l4 T' U. w1 N+ p5 |I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.