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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something' T% |) O' Q q0 {6 U4 D l
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
5 T8 @3 v/ A7 N* @/ g* K) y1 S: E. pinto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:( Y: _5 s9 a6 y- p7 j* ~
7 r) N. j& k! X) d0 w) [; m. N* cFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
% e. Y2 p, k, c, |/ a' x$ Cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I& ~+ L4 K: E9 W7 z) ]% @3 y
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25# {1 n+ i! |1 J. `
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
6 C; B/ o4 M+ q3 Ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
: O* U, X2 v. G rnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
+ c* _8 P9 O$ Q6 kinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
9 ?7 b9 @/ J+ q' J7 L3 S. ]; Lencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.. v. v. k- z M1 f5 H1 N
9 t! x* ^% X( R$ h$ [MONDAY:! G% p2 u$ ]) c) G
* r! L2 Z% b# O9 R& N. `Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 G/ W9 a7 E9 H4 tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for) p( P% f, ^' N; x3 V
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing# U z& i8 W+ j
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!2 S+ O: M, y8 _- c$ Z
, U* `# I) ?6 p' G3 { W: ZShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
' y5 Q$ V. x8 d( L z* Cthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her4 S" Z1 B) `; K" \; a, @$ Z
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in7 U/ h, t ]$ N( a/ Y
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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- P0 S- L. o+ Z: ~5 OVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
2 E0 s5 |* B) O9 G. Ealthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she* Z: e$ Z2 Q# ?
was around.
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E# h- C0 _1 v: {# K+ N7 xThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!' {2 h/ q8 j M
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TUESDAY:
) h: w% e; t Q. _# K% e- pI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.7 L; e1 y# Z* y. g
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
0 r$ ~" ^) K/ s3 I; E0 E5 band then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the) _. t5 B& p, w; P4 g2 _
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it/ }# Z# L7 G0 g" [
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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- _6 [2 V$ G( |. ]) b, x- QWEDNESDAY:
; |. d2 h: @# q( nThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
5 J/ _( X7 n; x3 m: c4 \the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
0 u+ c# j( ^. |; }# k2 J: ~' t- oa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
: ]6 t0 y7 R# t! V6 psteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
8 T* T h1 m: I* x" Sbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
$ v0 V N4 N% i2 Wearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine( E# D# P, L1 Q! d! U
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; p) ]8 C) ]: e$ Y( q- i4 g1 Q& sBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
$ z7 W9 ?: }, L* _9 x) ^1 Bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' L/ R- @4 Z+ D" l7 dtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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4 \7 Y# X' A" H$ X- FTHURSDAY:$ P+ ?7 C/ M6 u g! m, Q. G1 t+ {* K
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as5 \2 j: E% n( t* ~1 ~! W
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
! A; O$ a9 [( ?( o. m1 |) ~ qbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
, A# i' L7 X- o& itook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and4 {. K% d" q/ f; v0 i
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 s' b6 v% c0 L4 e i4 d7 Rmachine -- which I sank.
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4 z" l0 f9 w, S* S8 Y/ lFRIDAY:% H5 m3 ^+ V3 N, s
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated k5 g- O6 I8 p v4 K
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,$ H9 [1 O; q. N# V; R6 r0 p- g/ {$ `4 C
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I3 x6 c+ j f. E% Z2 r$ @4 K( e2 A
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 U0 E5 P, y) v" ~: Cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!: {9 R- [: E K& M7 B' J
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me7 M7 p0 s1 ^9 j; z" h* N" q/ D; y" i
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: I; x, Z2 L' |
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition" D& G4 H- ]1 h) U1 o1 {: `# O( {1 A% ]
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach" Q8 j- R2 r$ `4 p6 |
or the choir director?$ V; b% f* \: v; H, d+ |" G' ]: W& ~
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SATURDAY:7 t8 z9 _" j& A9 C" g
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,. W$ M" w- N3 d" @: j
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her) o2 \+ @4 H+ E
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the0 i* O V- j1 `
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight$ c. k0 Q; Z8 p2 k
hours of the Weather Channel.
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8 S7 X$ o( @' W( cSUNDAY:* B; R3 j. G$ j
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
3 k1 ~9 w8 Y* N/ x0 N% d4 m' i$ nand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,0 w6 h- Z) T" A6 C' H( m) S: X9 P
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
0 |! p/ g* E6 x( v) D6 B' la root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
