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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something$ F4 }: {0 p' [! o" `9 _3 b# _ g _
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get2 v) j9 r3 T6 q+ S
into a regular workout routine.
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" R- {! x& [2 z7 a) IDear Diary:2 e- `1 R6 e) E
; R7 u$ [3 p$ E9 r: iFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
1 b% q% U, U3 m9 X, n iweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( ?0 B6 Z$ b& D. a7 aam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 255 M* u! f1 y% r) ]
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a: Z9 i" w% t/ W( l w, v1 R1 i4 K( L5 }# o
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer3 F; m& @5 K& X) [, m6 r+ Y
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics1 @5 P) Q2 C$ ^& v t
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.) \& q/ L5 [. o4 @: w' ]0 O
7 H) f' |$ `3 Z0 hMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& e' r7 Q$ d1 a2 sencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.7 e5 n1 p" Q! n1 D/ _" ?4 Y+ m; U
/ J/ H: f' i/ G& i. sMONDAY:
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4 Q8 Y Q& k$ P: k. s7 A9 I6 _Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' S& C9 h# c' v" Y/ D4 tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
+ S5 y8 q# J* h4 f" |/ t1 ume. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing/ @) d; b2 u2 A4 w, ~: U$ H
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!# o1 Z# K7 ^2 O* c
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
4 B& c. C! {9 {0 e% othat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
2 ]3 F+ L9 L: B0 }4 ?in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ q! J7 G& \. nwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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1 K3 }, }+ z% s0 NVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
! F" ~2 k6 f3 \although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
/ o! A6 Z2 t8 S6 r+ y$ i# wwas around.
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& w/ [( K5 p& s. Y4 h6 {3 LThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!7 _$ C% K6 I3 O8 H# h9 }
- f2 H. K u+ fTUESDAY:1 G5 S. V" Z- `4 Q7 s# H
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
; i7 e6 Z9 s$ M0 x# \* h1 b1 aBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, w6 i+ i& M" e
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the( U z/ B$ G w# B9 p- T" \4 k
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
0 Z0 {8 C9 n; m& k0 `all worthwhile.8 X+ V0 N& e& X+ V- m% ?7 g B" k
+ H/ p/ _% q* L* XI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.# z7 C& a4 I1 J# M7 [1 F1 i& Y' A
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WEDNESDAY:
3 Q/ N: l+ o* y. N4 v- w$ yThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
) `* r, _3 P K9 }the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have. t+ c$ D7 g, n4 h
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
3 J! Z/ \4 h* v$ ?$ D5 ]4 Asteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams4 i9 \* {0 Y9 ?& \
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
/ j' y1 p* @. J* z7 cearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine( e9 }' w$ ?$ W: A" A
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so( Y1 b- M( x8 B, f1 T0 A. s
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a) o# B4 o, ?( k/ {
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
4 }( Y# a' |* m+ wtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.& l& H2 s5 ~+ `8 R1 M) P W2 T, K- T0 n7 ]
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She said some other shit too.
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. m! _* a0 F( r* Y$ nTHURSDAY:! G7 n: D' h! W
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
?; t1 f8 o; bher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
# n) K- z0 R1 f. t. i& ubeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
7 \6 J5 N( p1 g: atook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and0 m: n1 Z3 M a- _: V$ c2 K7 R2 N' M
hid in the men's room.# @( D' r5 ^6 K- Z6 M+ ~2 w& t# P
/ U( n, Z5 M0 m1 nShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ _( A4 j9 A/ j% n4 N. amachine -- which I sank.
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! ?& ~6 R" [7 }5 ~2 r- _FRIDAY:
5 c+ R2 D/ K3 H- P, o2 ]3 qI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) r' Z; g. ?# h( |0 u G0 I5 ^any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
& o: I0 p+ D+ C T+ m1 \- ?anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
7 D5 \+ [, U& ^could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda+ f% d& r, @! { ~% j( x5 y( j
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!/ W# w1 k; I0 S. [6 g3 D) \
! h. d7 v4 W! F" z( n. VAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
) K7 M9 q* X4 {the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# M9 l# ?5 P/ H, q* ^ Z5 M" A, T9 ^
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
1 b9 d' s9 n$ G! v' p) @1 [( steacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach( n8 Q% y: ?; s4 G% K* K
or the choir director?$ o) {/ h( @8 W3 p' s6 u B
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SATURDAY:5 v( p3 K6 l* t3 s5 q* `) H k
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
; n" G; } `* `- a7 X: Y$ H% kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
: C- S; F( R! t( K' Dmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the' m( n5 `2 h( m" D1 u# x
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight: A* E5 F- r, l0 Z2 Y
hours of the Weather Channel.
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5 b' n& m7 p. A# A7 o* qSUNDAY:6 N7 Y" C/ j: ?% A
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
/ I1 L' i j3 |; xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,. ^; u6 [: w1 M9 O# |6 L
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like: x+ w# j# Q$ l5 Y( Q* f
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
