请大家帮忙修改我的一个诗

alberta2007

I just wrote a poem
6 p% d( ~9 U1 i) p( A. d. J& XBesides, I'd like to put it in my blog.
However,first of all, is anyone able to modify/improve my poem
- y( [0 H5 b' @' I) [Thanks a lot!!!
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4 D) ~1 L( u- TFormerly,Somehow I'd fallen in love with you
" R+ _5 s$ {6 C              Somehow I'd found something wrong with us
              Somehow I'd left you to travel around the world
              Somehow I'd attempted to forget everything between you and me
              Somehow I'd considered you'd been lost in my mind
( E9 @2 A- c$ |8 M1 o! R$ F              Somehow I'd felt that my real life was full of happiness
8 `: [$ P" l3 n5 K. BHowever, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
             somehow I realized you were still in my heart
             somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
! S( ~$ ~8 O0 c4 n( M! p             somehow I lost myself inside again
Now,      somehow I write down the aticle in my blog
( w/ H" [3 y9 C- c             somehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion
- v6 y. U, O2 w2 b- cFinally,   I discern that I am still in love with you......................................
Basically, I almost finish this poem
: p. |* W* p4 T+ d) ~+ Z* m. r3 b               I am 一个人de精彩
               I am thinking to use 精彩 to cover everything.
4 \3 P. g4 i! r0 E' C3 z% rBut........         
4 z4 |8 d) W9 f6 B$ uIronically? Isn't it?

yoyoke2004

应该是“请大家帮忙修改我的一首诗”

卖糕的，写外国诗就得忘中国字吗？
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Justing

Somehow I'd fall in love with you
Somehow I'd find something wrong with us
Somehow I'd leave you to travel around the world
1 C2 O- ~# d3 Y4 T- B5 PSomehow I'd attempt to forget everything between you and me   
; w$ u: S5 C- X. h" h9 h* KSomehow I'd consider you'd been lost in my mind
Somehow I'd feel that my real life was full of happiness

Somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
Somehow I realized you were still in my heart
Somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
- K9 Y& _2 S4 j7 Z# _9 V7 eSomehow I lost myself inside it again

9 ?! l( _1 K: X. P3 \7 Q5 hSomehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion
Somehow I discern that I am still in love with you
Somehow I am the only brilliance of myself
Somehow I am thinking to cover everything with my faint brilliance

lington

However, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
================================================
However, somehow I  dreamed about you yesterday
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& y8 i; b4 s4 S6 M9 l& e; Y# Psomehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
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somehow I recalled the times we had...subconsciously...

alberta2007

我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect

Justing

原帖由 alberta2007 于 2008-1-21 18:57 发表
我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect

! U% ^! J% q5 i( r哦，这样啊，那就改回去吧，我以为是虚拟语气呢。

三思

劳驾楼主给我扫扫盲，这是什么体啊？