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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
; W$ ~5 b3 K% ]8 x,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
: c; I( n4 S4 U- @3 _& T: y零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . - w6 h; f; n  L1 ?" A+ q4 `$ D
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.7 y" P- p, m- _( Q; E( ?2 ~
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.. O% h) D: s: {. B- B- l8 ]! d
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
0 o' A0 ?6 q  e. |7 X夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
; r# y. V6 ~( X! {% i! l; c, f猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: z( ^6 f) N; X; Q
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.1 L8 S8 `5 H6 a, N7 _6 l0 e
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及* v9 x" H8 R3 g# j/ w- H! [$ P
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
- Q9 s7 V% r- I& H. J世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
2 J% N9 i1 R; J* S昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.' e$ Z* T- Z6 L$ S
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
! V" H+ v+ ]0 y最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
5 ~: F- T2 Y+ k6 a+ }& ]( B7 F寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
& v: X5 f) ~+ z/ _' s& X) M醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
. a( `' z/ ^+ L6 L迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.6 ]7 {  E2 S9 i& F! v+ [, c/ F9 y' _
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
9 L$ c& s2 |& T3 J: J多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
5 n5 `) @. q& F5 h# v- \Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
4 J- ~6 t! g/ u; F多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously) A5 g: o$ L$ u% E/ e( k
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.0 E' v* S) T9 w. e0 C' n4 h
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
. K. i, p4 i1 W为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
7 G4 l/ e/ K% O: _多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
+ ~5 H6 C  G: }$ Q2 S! \2 C永难平息的泪
, M/ K! h" o( a' _6 J& X每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
' F! W+ i! `: a, x- C! j( u7 n~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.- A0 v: }" K  O" }) {5 V6 e
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
. A+ P+ @9 F9 v2 x# D6 e让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
! J3 U6 i( s) y3 X7 I/ D, T你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 5 a: \8 t: @6 L5 V
一抹微笑;
, b. c  F' z+ X2 ]( n0 d一个手势;
+ D# f) q( x! {( w- a1 Y6 U/ h1 E5 V一片话语,
$ F- d1 F/ z1 X' M7 {愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、- v1 L6 h$ r: d
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
' U0 u) a; o  x1 Z. c心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.9 M9 d: N: I1 D: J3 o
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
: R$ e) y/ h" y+ V3 m+ ]也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
2 A  a( \; q- N& L$ b起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
* M. k$ n1 s+ P/ E- I: [我并不以为然。. C) Z6 D, S& I0 x8 }/ |& ~
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
4 N" X: P; ~+ \7 O+ Z# P慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
2 w' X3 F3 d. d5 D) y: P- z被一种情绪所左右,/ b2 ]# S# I* ^. q
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
' K' N& h* w1 V) s, M# ~& C. `( b即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
8 Y( T. K- v5 Q( u% h+ M也不问我是否喜欢你,
) U& T' u" C: Z+ J1 W( w8 j对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.+ Z7 \' r. U4 u$ R
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
- x! ~* g2 E, e5 K, i1 @3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you/ e+ D9 ?* \4 A
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil3 P1 I: c' t. F( w
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * C; _+ {4 B& {8 V0 C( O! P3 x3 }- ^+ W6 v
你的身影已化成一种氛围,' c6 x; }5 H" U1 E7 v$ e$ [
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
  J4 z" i2 V6 {, ?+ G你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! - s6 o/ k0 M0 K" C; U, B( C: j. E
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字8 W4 `+ i, G3 g% n% q
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,5 [0 G6 N* g) O( r
一种声音,and your voice
# \& W6 }: i) E( T' t; y0 x# `5 \也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
9 J& c3 |' l3 ?6 S4 ]( T8 C掺杂著幸福的感觉。
: t% ?3 v9 D0 g  S( p与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
* H! q4 F% a" n象雪花般撒落在我的心田,5 P) A; C: S9 r8 m- ^2 v
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ j' p# z$ c5 d纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
. q: t- l' y+ e2 s  L# q, O6 f你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss6 {2 A2 L8 t1 A- V
有一个能够让思念的人,
' D( r% X, A! {其实也是一种幸福。
" M6 Y0 h( C( P& ?0 o/ w* l尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
1 M- N6 X" I6 n1 W+ E2 u( N柔柔的海风,: T; h# [% A0 ?% p/ X0 y. R
甜甜的夏天。" E' \# H$ C0 z1 `) k
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy * o+ j, V( V4 S, h% U- M
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
$ g2 M( A1 b! i5 [( n仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
) m' Z& H1 e4 [, P/ |7 _想和你有共同的情结,
$ h+ }8 J  ^; o& b! G共同的心愿。
# Y* C: z' n8 u8 G- L0 R2 X& B1 N& G
3 b7 N* S1 r; K! ]$ _
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you, V4 F% y6 f( e; b
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together8 P3 l5 Z8 v( |0 _3 ]4 ?
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film . \  G+ u* p/ A6 N
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.& I9 A. Q& o+ _( D5 I
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
8 R( v! h. i$ X% ~( r. ~7 W( K我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
( r' G$ f/ Z, \2 l: h: G/ k浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”# X1 i8 ]6 z# U5 }# }' o
或是轻轻的一吻,* @+ z2 i- a$ Y- o; R
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』9 t* Q! H; {" e* E/ I
就足够了. That is enough.
7 Z* ~  D1 p' L3 ^) r这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 3 F' F( K: R- D& |% ?
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.. k/ v, t6 R' R1 J/ f
萌出了芽,: H3 ]& X5 @0 @
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
7 c0 G. r" T& u* b+ b5 A# ^浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.$ e  X9 F$ l& `' S; s4 k
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
5 V/ m3 @! h& r) ~; y& N$ ^( j能够牵著你的手,) u9 N( {4 A6 P: D) p
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
- g! \" y+ I, T# ], h% I让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. ' u2 R& n" a9 m/ x
慢慢地细读,% d' K7 y) F' q% }1 \4 t+ v" B0 I
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
+ \. Z2 Y' F4 H+ M; `  v2 z在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
/ G7 Y' m: `: x7 P5 q* p我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor , t: K8 i0 Z, k* n( K
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:  V/ d! x  N, I" s1 t, R% e; Q
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago& e' O8 g) Z3 ]& N8 A% d1 s) S1 g
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.$ E$ g1 c" v! E$ F
change to:lacked
( ~6 m. F# G6 H& P( H猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
( ?4 X+ \- ]% T8 u0 X0 u$ \$ yCats often played at the whole hot night.# V% ?7 M& Y, R- z
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及/ Z- y9 ~8 D+ z( i* `/ s) t
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.( F9 i: j$ `3 c
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ! n- r* G( R$ A' Q5 [8 |" W
该为:throughyour hands.
3 d8 O1 ~  ~) z; I. Y9 u还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
: Q) Q6 ]7 z) j  Z. J) J, w不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。, l2 M0 G' g" \$ u" r7 R: l$ a
至少比我强。
  a8 _" u% _1 x, I4 [( K3 T偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... . y8 d5 d/ t" M# Z+ B9 m

' \/ g& Y( A& A/ }2 b7 v  H这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。- F% u; f: |+ ^9 G' `2 M
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
1 |; N0 C5 Q* l% H谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.. T+ Y. o) L& _$ T! F2 m
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:- J8 f+ l1 o: P9 o; e4 w( I
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.6 D1 C) P/ J% W, l3 g
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
  P& [$ Q* X# C. K. b; v: B9 S4 {6 b Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name." H, n- d% h( q) C
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
1 G2 S, ~. Y) S* ]Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
1 Y! F$ O- ~$ ]' x, s/ kSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:$ `% ^' Z( l9 H$ X# S7 a
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool   s/ |7 X( [, r
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
$ L+ ?' m# ?0 H+ Z0 v, a6 }; KI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.) j" z' I! `/ D  M
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 l; M! k" N; \
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
; w$ c' s1 _- P/ a5 TI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.6 N  `+ k* d2 K, ^3 F$ e
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.% ^. T1 e5 O% S
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?& c' ~# G% L, ?. P) V9 @  [
Intoxicated then feel cold,
4 N+ {7 H- N. g" @+ G( z% h% ?the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ |: k% m& T- K) ], DI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, K) Q+ y+ o! J) I5 z" L, f  GThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
5 q8 |. I7 |; O- o- sWhy I am always hoodwinked!6 a  Z1 x" h& f) u
I have told myself many times cautiously
' C" k; A% j: d) pdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.. {% E0 z% _4 W1 j( ~+ H
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
0 o5 W  f# }* Y# _Why can`t I take it easy?& ^) Y, p- i9 E1 V8 i) b
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!$ j) R, K% ~8 y# y6 s; L: l, |
When the quiet night comes
  y2 I/ Y3 ~. Z4 L+ {6 Qyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! b! X' K. v- l8 J7 {( g3 r% \The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
: u; s6 t5 `6 B$ r6 l% GYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,( \$ X8 }2 ?3 }) n! g5 J! H
light the dark corner in my mind.
% C3 Z0 N* E3 E  K& C% x+ fI feel a bit of cozy.
  j, o1 a+ f4 [( O% LThe deep attached to you in a twinkling" e8 \. }8 M" D9 I- z! o
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
% h3 }# X; `4 ?: U, Y: a6 R& \I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,$ \1 T' X+ z) v% S: x, m+ ^  Q3 n
but accompanying with the time passed
$ c  b. v1 y5 l. W- m1 |! C. _I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,$ R/ K( ]/ a7 d- F3 B
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.( _$ M) P4 T3 `
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
6 t4 q  c8 x4 W# c" @9 _; y! E# wonly feel gracious for your existing,
. B4 R9 z. [9 Z% Z' N: a2 U* ponlt want to do something for you.
% d5 v& c/ r/ vEvery time when you meet me" Z$ S, y) y  h+ G9 g' X
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
/ O' C1 Y6 K) i: J8 B1 v; lbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere, s1 t0 J( }7 V" f
That live in my heart.: P( O% z. _- h
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
, J( {9 _+ c" cEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
3 I8 L! B* F$ ~2 x2 Gmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 x& P. L) p1 A: \0 P1 W$ wThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
) t2 `% @, l$ [4 ~suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.$ o3 p  K3 M' @$ e
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
) _- B' W) R+ U  t+ ], D9 O9 tespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.6 H$ j/ |7 g0 T% D5 p
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" U& m* n' B* u" I- ?: ~only waiting for you quietly
+ z% i" E, B# c8 Ojust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 ?5 w  j0 D) U& D* Y. l
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you & P6 n& N' p) o+ _
and enjoy the rain washing together- }- u. J' K; u/ [* S* Z
or rush to a film* m$ m7 [# a! ~2 J
or listen to a music quietly.
! p  {2 E2 i" UWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
5 P8 O5 J& Z2 _If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other," {- W; j, B0 s& Q
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".% m; R2 f1 H2 v0 H
That is enough.
( X- |8 J% p& _! I: _9 MMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,( n# {/ `: C( {: B) V
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
  \# k; ^6 L$ }2 d3 x; Z1 K3 tthe same as my missing.
# T) |- ^# O2 ~& ]2 D3 l' W: x' ~It comes a little bit of verdure.
  o. b  p# W4 R/ M; V0 uIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
  I3 N1 Y" u% ]! d) A$ @% m; N0 p( }then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
  L; e" F, ^# ~+ K0 r3 h/ aLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.# N# W$ a" p) x- r3 T
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
. W$ ]# Y% p- J8 o6 d9 p$ x6 q% w& e5 ?At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
) J+ W7 P3 p0 E5 ~) F* V+ o% Gthen I will have all care and ardor.( ~& d0 e! D1 W, ?
Shall we walk arm in arm?6 H6 }% P2 ^9 {. M
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& s- z* B2 X+ x9 p& \Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 M& _( t7 T# l. c  `: S
I am still the same person of yesterday.9 ^  e# ]$ p6 y: S' P& O- Z
Unchanged name, unchanged I., ]/ R' ?3 x" ]
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. . t8 a2 ~' w7 W( A, p) R( M9 ?
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
- |) @+ d8 ~' l' e+ rMore or less,3 I1 \& g$ F2 J/ f- k
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
' P. }. G2 h1 S
! t7 R% O& P' y% Q# ~Summer easily slips away
1 P2 o/ n) q( f* `) LThose long lost hot nights
0 e$ @* }, c& i) g" i/ b can only be found in the old days.
3 T$ Z( p. f3 d3 z  G# X/ g& x) r6 v* p, I7 q; J; ^! X: b
Cats jumping over the window sills, ) x+ S9 x8 d+ e3 |0 R6 L0 ?+ H
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 f) j' P, P4 d5 V! _Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  y- z) t; ]! G/ ?Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ B7 {8 t" H, m. ^
I am still the same person of yesterday.
) r5 \5 q3 l8 ^  b% d! lUnchanged name, unchange ...

; d/ I" Z" J! F3 G8 E
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 4 c; ?: e) \* t: _3 F( X& c( E
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 T7 X4 d: b2 m' S4 z9 w
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& p. o" ^) L& P7 f
I am still the same person of yesterday.% D3 S* F/ [. Z
Unchanged name, unchange ...

  k6 H2 p6 E6 g+ di like it.
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