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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something% N3 t& Y6 @) w3 s# h
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
F. d$ O+ J, N& ]# _into a regular workout routine.! m( l5 |1 d3 E3 i5 x1 q- ]
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Dear Diary:) M: U0 }; q1 q# ?
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& u3 P9 [3 F+ H3 h& bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I/ C* i- n7 }: R/ k1 s
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
0 P& M1 ]! p6 S' cyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
% C+ e3 {( ?) g8 qtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer& g' _; _4 A: q
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
- z9 {4 R3 X3 A' B5 ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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1 H) H4 x2 V- Y# w5 U7 ?My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
' b, D4 a# K9 ?4 g }5 Sencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.3 z# K# A2 j3 B8 ^/ F7 \! @
" w" L" ~; N" ]# M+ Y; jMONDAY:1 y; y& E7 h2 O! K" R5 C5 t0 i
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well5 X2 A" R8 |: C$ V
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
: Y1 q1 M! A- a6 Z1 z/ S9 \7 Wme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! E. @, |0 H* m: @eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
; f- I- s2 i% Tthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her6 |: U4 ?, c& }7 `3 W2 e/ N9 W
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
* s* @7 C1 W! ?$ R2 f3 B* Kwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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! `3 k U' ?; @0 k' ]8 u4 }Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,2 y+ n9 |) A+ z% k: {+ W
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she& }# g. Q/ q9 ?. f- Y
was around.
: ]5 {$ J" K0 y' V5 H
$ F; l/ J6 a: c pThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:1 I5 a c/ w) k1 d
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
" o" f( o; h) i- t+ @# V+ e3 k& RBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,8 ?4 \ Z& s$ F) r( k& D$ x
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 A1 P9 F0 @& htreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it2 _7 j7 `& t) o1 e
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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; o/ V7 A; T' b, {( z# P3 k- NWEDNESDAY:0 @; ?. m$ ` [+ Z8 n% t
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
! {& V( a5 H0 p* E, |2 r' Ythe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
' U' j# N6 O0 v0 A ~a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
7 \" a' p9 V m* wsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
$ `! D: Y5 K* J+ P" cbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for7 v6 U3 K4 G) T/ ^& \
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
1 G& C/ K9 b1 s/ y- ^; qthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so% q# a3 Z6 ?3 X1 H2 m1 J
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
" q1 @" _% d5 {5 B0 @( umachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
% R% E2 K. h. q( h+ F" \& F7 Stold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.' R9 M% u# o3 x- ]; K
c% q( j: q0 @* p t8 I4 nShe said some other shit too.6 X6 w/ A( u: n* L1 t
- |" s8 i! @7 J: u' HTHURSDAY:( l, Y& H9 ~. B1 J7 t3 r
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
" `$ v3 G( G' r) v9 B6 [) }! eher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help7 f2 x& [ `. {
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
) r( F( i, K8 N8 `( |! |; Ztook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and7 ]8 J& W9 X$ h6 v, P2 o
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing; f* s4 M8 F6 c+ h6 ^ ~* u; I
machine -- which I sank.
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: V/ x0 u3 x& d# d5 J5 |* v2 u- s! hFRIDAY:' d5 }. }1 b9 o8 \. q' Y" d+ i
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
6 p' w- I9 _& }% N1 O% b8 v) v9 qany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
9 e6 q: _5 @" |1 o& Fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 C7 m% d/ C9 Q4 Ucould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 r8 G! s7 ~5 A. W! }. uwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!+ R; a0 k; Q5 A
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me2 l( T) T4 Q$ W( F; q5 Z
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ [ H8 k: y; z6 Y) g S2 ^7 [# y
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" e7 ?4 o& \, I! Mteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach; {4 P0 H# w! E% W5 _8 k0 o$ ]
or the choir director?5 j8 H6 ~( x6 B
0 x! ?' S( A+ I3 w8 q: ]( r) t& q* KSATURDAY:
2 O. A, N' { j3 hBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,. k. _8 @0 ^; i! o6 |; V/ \5 x
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
+ \# M# r, z! q, i: d( l* Imade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
& U7 p2 }" ^7 @# ]. q7 W+ K& t2 n4 `strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 A+ | d) S5 y4 b7 U" D0 ^, Bhours of the Weather Channel.4 P) `+ o- \1 N
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SUNDAY:; O5 e! z4 ?0 U- y2 o2 d {$ {
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
* n' `- H2 G) I" f5 L6 `and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,; Z5 i5 `6 o! W* x9 B# P
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like. c5 a/ A) q& k( m( H8 K4 s/ i& _
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
