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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something& j9 Y( P0 Y5 ^( ?
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get9 J; `% v) I; X6 r
into a regular workout routine.
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- `" S" @1 u# R- @Dear Diary:- u( _: {6 g( e8 M
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a" i% e2 k- n; r; d# Y5 ]3 F, u
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I" y6 j4 }) x, _ I b7 F' I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25- v0 i1 T B% v# _4 M) N* E
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
* u# y# O) d2 ~0 ?( U& ~try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
4 t, j( G; a7 F2 u5 S* M: l3 bnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics7 e( n1 b* V( t7 F" L5 L
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.) ~* `( b5 j7 i
2 _9 H; s$ f; k0 J) |My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
; x2 W1 y8 Y$ q, F2 X1 Rencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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$ J/ G* K& n7 }MONDAY:* B( m$ _. v0 s( O) t k) U4 v
4 h" M$ e, |+ ?- OStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
7 Q5 M1 v1 V0 g8 l8 K. N) d% g# U! |9 L, Aworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
, k) D( H. b2 H: K# k% wme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
. D. [+ h) L- j+ x- Y2 \4 n' @7 Ueyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
( R2 Q% c% A( E a# [! Bthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her1 a5 B+ }- P& v ~1 ?/ h' o; t
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in) R/ g2 f. o1 u' Z. J: Y
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.( l, Y* y+ w: c3 c1 B- k3 u7 m
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,) R. j% C& H; U0 v8 Z# n- \
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she# t* w% ` ~5 y6 _( h) C0 U/ {
was around.0 D7 l# Q# A5 o& L! z
7 }: }- B, n( H! sThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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1 o1 h# {/ P! ~TUESDAY:# w1 ?2 ]. C2 c- H! u0 R
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.9 y# l3 T& G( o; r% X5 k
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
: e( B8 Q# w$ Uand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the( Y# s# e' V; ~4 U5 B
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" ]+ o1 }3 B1 N9 r$ ]+ Mall worthwhile.* T" c* ~0 T9 ]
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.9 S' D) ^/ ?, f
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WEDNESDAY:; t* s. |7 ^' ?$ c% T
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
# v3 T- h( z8 @& Z( ]the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 k+ w G' w* f$ ?0 b/ Ca hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to9 u, \0 }8 S3 a* }+ | N4 v! k& r
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams/ p4 v' q- V7 _" r1 m
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
1 ?" A# F+ S# m$ Zearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
* p# K8 q( \1 U# T! }that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so2 t, b& k4 w L2 [
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a V! b. X" E1 N, F( B3 V
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda# y5 O' N0 ?. Z x4 {/ Z
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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$ G1 S+ J t: K9 p7 TTHURSDAY:% V. [6 |+ I( Z3 ?) j8 ]
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 S( w7 u t, A* @her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help; U- O+ i; X) V; R
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda; D9 J# _3 R, o* G
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
5 d6 X- u% H. I9 {- h* }hid in the men's room.. q/ T+ }! X7 K+ H& T' O) G3 w5 U
6 A1 x1 C! V0 C7 n* _ xShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing; k+ T" k" _' |1 d y
machine -- which I sank.) @9 m! m& X8 z( A+ W5 }
3 S# ?! R2 c2 ~, kFRIDAY:$ D5 w- L' ^+ C+ }! D7 j$ a/ L% f+ N4 j
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated% Q9 M9 I% P. A& i: C" L
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,) S) G3 X# D4 ~
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I, _& X) Q* ?$ S9 H K
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda: w P7 ^$ `% w9 b# O
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!0 J: m. P7 f0 S3 M3 g
5 g9 g# J* c+ h1 SAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
8 h( u3 z! s8 w% E0 z) \the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.3 S/ C% i6 ]6 {. u( t- M
5 \: }+ T% M& GThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition: [0 Z% w% H3 g
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
! \2 C+ X. D ^or the choir director?$ Q$ ^6 a: R# Z5 l, D
; _" r+ b7 V( Y. ?* z( ?+ F. _SATURDAY:
$ Z! k- U# w7 w+ Q8 r. d# `Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
p' u4 N- N3 z5 }shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her& y! ]# T9 F6 Z( P: H+ |
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the1 b7 y! X9 |3 F
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight ^( s" K( T5 p7 Y" Q* x
hours of the Weather Channel.
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/ }! E7 k0 J+ u) L5 QSUNDAY:
6 E, }9 z5 E# B( sI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
* d2 E; `$ Z4 @6 b* Land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,8 U, u# E% \0 P/ V! [- S
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like; [2 y, I0 R. o" ~7 a' O7 }
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
