WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
4 m( |" D; S# e' b, F2 i* yinto a regular workout routine.

9 N1 P$ ~' T# MDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 A# l. d- h% x0 ]. C+ rweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
* f) C# d, ^( V: z9 M% r+ Itry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' n; ]. V' J- z) S* Ynamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
+ }3 E8 {; t: fencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

! B5 G7 O* B3 U* J: V0 L1 jMONDAY:

# \- K. Y& a9 K- v" ?8 ]Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
  {1 K# k# u9 F6 dworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
3 \5 }) R2 g, ]& u) a4 `me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
$ l" X! T7 _) d7 L1 z
) g8 x4 ?7 ]+ C* ^  DShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ o8 |) G; t( s5 v. }that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
) X9 }' x) J) c( F8 e9 m: Tin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
8 ]+ T5 l* `( z: m% _
$ a) D% K; n( V3 a: D/ AVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

4 C* E& H$ A3 ?4 P9 a  h5 IThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
3 B7 @- k7 u+ K0 D% ~% p8 QI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
& T4 N9 R; {6 S, h! W
! M+ t$ h" d* \) Z  ^; UI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

9 S, w7 ?: ~4 i6 D8 mWEDNESDAY:
$ P7 N, D( O3 o' ^: SThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
' h; E! V( R7 z  M+ F2 S4 ~% Ythe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
7 ~: P5 P1 C$ h* vsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
1 Y7 J" e8 [: Z% x. U+ D' wearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
8 Z" w- U( t2 w/ y2 x2 B/ i8 sBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
8 ^3 o6 b. u2 ^4 ?6 o
1 p; Y1 b' }. Q! o6 h5 {) ?THURSDAY:
, s* c/ N( R9 ^% XBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 `! R1 I- _: }6 W7 H  gher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
7 X# e! m  G7 P: d7 i* d, Ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
2 x7 Q- g! B. v, e( Z
FRIDAY:
9 B# u1 M# v; ^: nI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 {6 i+ C& q9 j1 Y1 b& L) Lany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
/ A7 X9 a( `7 {  x. j
( ~  |" c" z) s7 O0 q) i9 DAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
$ b) a' W; d) |" R, s, s0 l8 wthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

3 D6 a" o% H/ V6 zThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
- c( ~2 _6 P% U3 p0 Dteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

7 c7 X- T# d1 l1 P/ xSATURDAY:
& {* W  K: _0 l1 u- HBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
3 K% n  L6 w# U0 \) K! kstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
: J! i8 D0 f. c( C7 I5 F
( K+ i4 K2 Q1 N5 T- B5 q( wSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
0 s8 d+ {# [6 U' I" pa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.