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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something- p/ o" H( w3 F0 j% K$ @7 N, V7 ?: v
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& p `" T9 l8 \. t' G1 n5 kinto a regular workout routine.' H) X+ a; v3 k( I
' n9 W* c/ u$ I$ ]) J2 vDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a+ }, ~3 \' x9 s7 {$ ?% n D6 u
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# O" v7 J L" N$ K* L6 P' v5 ^2 yam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
& \% |4 D, Y! myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a/ z2 x5 A& x, `- c
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer# i( R% I8 u1 ?/ j: a
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
' \' p; A8 k* ~, Y" p$ F& i) Ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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8 U) _6 E4 e+ F. BMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club) j2 |0 |: S! b& O. `9 @7 H
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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3 E& W( \" ~5 N7 aStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well3 X$ F1 w: r3 T6 S/ Y0 j# l
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
1 L5 A. M0 t2 S/ G7 j7 cme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
7 ]8 Z7 B! G" n, d+ peyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!: N! r3 @' _7 t! G
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed( Q* v, H, L! W/ b& y q$ n, U7 r
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
4 `# |. k+ X0 I3 Bin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
' f. J' m( a, ~6 ^7 T; ?, |which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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7 \; N$ E" u1 K7 ?+ m! C! M/ ~Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
3 L+ ^5 ~' _! K, S/ Lalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she- r* h4 K# {+ A# E7 ^0 ]7 o2 \
was around.+ v! u5 Q/ a I# m& M5 J/ q
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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I3 I% [9 T) o. ~" G; hTUESDAY:
& ^8 m* J( E" i9 ^5 \3 V( rI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.- @8 P2 K: ]. Z2 D( h" k
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,& V* H) ~6 a4 y& r5 f7 ?- K6 o, ~% a
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& c1 c U* P) S# P$ V! [ o* L7 ltreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
: Z) v* E2 A7 v3 F7 n+ G0 tall worthwhile.
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) F: L* P3 f- G x' [, mI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
9 b; j$ ]& \6 z! a. jThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on% n C+ O6 x1 _8 I' }: ]
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have$ j2 ~+ F4 ? u% y
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to, V9 j' }6 l( A1 S" h, x( w: o/ Q
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams+ J5 g ^2 Z0 X0 v$ s; d4 T
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
& X& B+ }9 {% G# Jearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
2 V3 e; t( c \/ [, G: K1 cthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so1 ?! B; a6 X4 [ E8 H+ k, |
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
- `3 y: R( S- |! {1 W, p2 L) H% {machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda R5 o% N* j- b( q
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.8 d+ d" c+ Q$ j& c& H% Y7 z# m; t& [
- X% [: Q# t& X6 _3 S3 LShe said some other shit too.
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; G B* G8 d( ?; G8 k" g! ~. @THURSDAY:1 J* v0 {! I. g
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
: m) y f# k' y; G9 G# Oher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
" u! i$ u! h4 L/ i0 K9 ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda4 m1 d: z5 V0 {+ i3 o2 q
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and7 s; g( E( s8 Y. {* Z' m
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing) }4 u+ A$ v" L2 b7 n7 }
machine -- which I sank.. i/ d: l+ T0 h
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FRIDAY:
8 O, q! k; a6 YI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: u8 j9 M" @: Iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,: W3 C% K8 s/ V4 a b! R0 ?1 {
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I, ?7 H, K/ T, J% u a4 q
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 k; ^6 i4 r' E4 r) A+ i/ z7 mwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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Q5 D7 D8 j7 kAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
) y; Z E% z) s% P: l# q* Athe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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, s& Q' Q, S( t/ ^0 ~The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
8 R2 X& D: ^. l. m: m0 t, I' H. rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach2 ]' ]7 k. _' N) k1 o" A( R
or the choir director?' {' B6 A, b" x* m( Z
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SATURDAY:
/ ~' Q- v7 n- I9 L+ b/ kBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
9 r5 i$ i, Z! z- V) V' K h" ]6 yshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her+ d9 h7 y# x$ y$ f
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the, _1 q3 b! @ L F3 y, ~2 X5 l
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight5 A$ P! N C( D# f" C7 G' ]
hours of the Weather Channel./ N5 u0 M8 C: v# U a
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SUNDAY:$ r( T$ M8 f) w* N6 m# y5 k4 _
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- f) z4 w; t$ W0 p0 xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
8 Y2 J5 w2 \( E7 T7 b# {my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
: Q" ~' i9 Y3 c* d. X# G% G3 wa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
