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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something) W4 J1 F; s2 L3 ^5 s
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
/ `% J/ C( N1 K( m) B! r& Rinto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:6 @( Y8 ^4 ^2 A) M* c' E) H
# b# z8 J1 \1 r* m$ Q( lFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
8 S% X7 F9 h4 Mweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I( M2 m( u8 L+ h e$ M
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" U$ @3 V& P" H) R% n: W: ]4 _5 N7 P; qyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
& k. i; P& ?1 S) j% g/ M' k% s: o5 ztry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
- d2 P% k5 x, \8 s; s# @# J4 Wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
; i8 P V, G) O9 K; |) m7 }: einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.+ b' C- E L: v( P, w& q- K
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
6 W8 A2 r# P& y0 T3 j# ?0 uencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.% g8 ^7 V: W! U0 x' J. f
+ |2 F3 R/ P3 {! jMONDAY:
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% i6 X& L3 h6 C) ?6 |Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well# x- c0 F. P! T, O7 M2 n7 Y
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
] K7 R! x5 x8 H% p5 Gme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 Q5 n9 k0 \9 K9 Q& Beyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!# L; M' {) q. G2 `( p" H! K
( ]5 B% O; H6 {( l- B1 MShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
- @) o8 `8 B# J, Y* j: mthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& ?7 l4 i- Q' f4 I$ t, Pin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
: v9 z& k; G' V/ c8 G# N* Dwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,% T1 e& i" J2 E6 u5 m3 Z: Z
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
/ H; c9 `1 z3 G( J8 Kwas around.
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2 I& K* Y0 q9 |- FThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 E/ f; p7 ^# d, V# q6 Y4 K
# J) a7 R( x$ W( v2 S& m% ~) ITUESDAY:6 X& C0 b! C& h& C5 k2 i, {, _" }0 N9 m
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.) [( {$ a3 T. D9 Z" B' Q+ V
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
9 B% q% K8 w: C% `8 zand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the* s% j0 Z2 T) y( H" l; x
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it: _. D2 h* l/ V: P5 x% U4 k3 C- b
all worthwhile.% J+ |3 `8 H+ M' o. [
8 Y% f" l! m5 Y0 _7 `I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
: [# `$ r" U$ U: m! ^& c" i1 F. V6 Y, D. |% W8 F0 T
WEDNESDAY:
$ L9 x0 C/ y6 @! RThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
: }$ f; [, ~/ j/ F" pthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
) o5 R2 g+ s5 v' \$ t- Ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) G) s* z6 S& ]8 B, f/ _steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams2 I6 p N% ]& k. e& d
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
0 c3 `. C* X3 I2 Gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
" J; x% ~6 V# ]( H( y K% ^that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so8 E* h" X$ l8 x$ y1 y8 n
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
! I! f/ R* h* p" o" D: hmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
. f2 X4 U9 k: p- i0 Btold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.9 r6 G5 t5 C# I9 Q) J
/ c' [ R) Q6 g2 bShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:% r; q( |) ^$ |; D
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
- T& H" Y. e. W' d- K0 Eher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help3 b# u, c4 z1 W
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda5 [; |7 o( _/ F4 G4 |, F
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
! S- `3 }1 f7 W# Xhid in the men's room./ B# s/ A" A" M' l
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
' b' F+ \# Y8 ^machine -- which I sank.
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$ C" X2 s# H( hFRIDAY:
; X/ o( x$ [3 J O7 \6 y8 ?I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated( {# I% y5 h/ N7 _ E9 U
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! Z" c: h4 n4 B7 u- x" Yanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I+ S, j9 h0 [6 _ G8 c
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
@' B3 K% D( R% e- O9 Z/ Cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!9 [! Y! E) o; n! a3 i
3 s/ P& }3 F- f6 GAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me. j- x. q9 v+ | V& S
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: H: f; i" _+ v! R, U5 G1 I0 G& g! v! L L
/ f7 ^% E' i* v& v$ d) q% MThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" q! g- }/ U) H4 nteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
: | V0 e2 i4 c+ ^" Ror the choir director?
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; `" y7 o6 B4 B, v, ZSATURDAY:
; h: H! a( o: h) I2 jBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
6 b5 R% o) \+ [* qshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her; p9 K0 ^6 T1 ]+ k' W
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the- B1 m( n; ^/ K$ V- G0 j
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight6 F: o4 j1 T- p
hours of the Weather Channel.
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; p( ^7 J5 J" e& q+ E& x3 zSUNDAY:
/ W2 x8 V1 K# b- _# NI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
# \& Y5 u/ Q) Qand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,1 H+ z* D! F; \2 w/ ]* K
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like# C6 K2 ^8 e: W: T0 w0 d# P
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
