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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something; w) H% p q6 i) g, G- L
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
$ y% S+ ^: }! s# Q+ M) R0 Tinto a regular workout routine.
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5 P# e! h3 P& R5 t7 ]+ v& z, S5 X7 nDear Diary:( F! k9 ]6 `0 S3 G
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
- I; k- S$ ^5 |' g4 Z( r6 tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I. O: ^( |1 p- K- K% A+ i( ]
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 251 t. y' y5 B3 B- I3 B" L5 }& C
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
i9 m: x2 Z2 htry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
: h8 @5 P1 u B; e- Q3 l+ ?named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
1 L& L6 G+ G6 I) a3 l5 Q+ hinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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/ L$ m5 W5 X. t3 T2 w' mMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
' }; A' |* @7 d; U6 Hencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.8 J5 D' z6 q. a
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MONDAY:! F* P9 s1 r; o% U& }$ e1 q' d c
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
" C+ A; C* n7 ]: Eworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
6 v6 s0 w. E$ Q6 W' ?me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing6 o; N) p0 {) [
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!* \4 I. g. s! K- ^* |* t. R3 |
0 d4 {5 i9 V* H9 LShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& C0 I9 s; s8 n: ^2 `that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her2 M& @3 ?: I% ]
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in. p0 b+ F @" Y4 C& J# t5 S0 L
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.* V% Z" m$ E0 t/ _! Z
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 V D2 @; K$ Z8 a% |0 Ualthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
$ @4 C3 q3 c. \# ?was around.$ k4 z+ N5 Y! b6 F2 s8 n
* i/ I1 c, V$ g2 ]This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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5 a0 }9 z; D1 u3 {TUESDAY:- |6 W9 Q. ^ r! u! ]* p3 x2 n; S9 e; d
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
! y' `6 |7 e0 Y O1 W$ xBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,# P/ R) _- o6 f) |# R
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the6 j& `/ O# _- {9 `, O, c
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
5 d* S5 x8 p" m" G% B5 s7 call worthwhile.3 s8 _0 D: a+ b1 M7 t P& Y
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.8 R$ u) T! ^- Q7 H
7 \: T8 j" y# X6 h, ^WEDNESDAY:
( A' b% h- @9 A1 a C# `The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on; \5 C! ?+ D( t" K
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
# j6 [5 R) \9 [a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to: G6 c7 H _% k, a' a' ~) k6 R
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams: l4 s3 K/ ~2 d$ Y: ~4 m
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for$ C8 E! A# S- ~
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine4 I0 \& y2 a) q6 j
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ T" R/ ^7 I3 }( L* u! I# `Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) ]# R& ?) `: p: H9 [# }machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" m8 B& f( ~+ ^4 X/ ?" k$ {told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.% w E6 Z( ^, N& h8 X$ F1 p) Z8 o
/ r( v! i7 G8 R' s/ FShe said some other shit too.8 g3 T; I4 _; a
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THURSDAY:4 O+ |) y; n) V
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as0 K" y8 R; I9 b, J8 ~- T3 o
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
. T" F# c( ~! w( Qbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
0 g) P5 F3 t' ?4 x2 S- r7 [! [took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and' C. i+ A1 t) w
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing2 t4 y, j2 r* l2 E& i
machine -- which I sank.) i7 U4 n+ [# b7 { U' X4 I7 Q
5 m7 A9 f5 a) R( S! V5 w. pFRIDAY: \8 C& {; F; a+ z8 _
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
8 b$ A x) _3 y: l" z1 q' jany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,# Z, W8 O' Y! J
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I3 M) U) D+ G/ z
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 h* B& o M. ?: Q" Z/ \! Bwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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4 _9 I% \! D# h3 W( t5 `8 QAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me4 P# Q& \0 r+ Q6 ^& d6 f$ D
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" X; ]- L. F a: nteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- P( ~; S! E5 B% aor the choir director?$ R2 P" d* X( D" q' R1 P& Z
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SATURDAY:
# h3 Y* o6 m7 y& XBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,' s0 d# \& x! J3 _% |5 s, |
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
9 Y% a$ L' x8 W# r6 D( c. tmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ l; r% k& O$ D* `1 estrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' x; Q" h* S8 \/ Z( e0 ]hours of the Weather Channel.
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* @: u$ d1 N' {( {6 ?& o+ A, f" L; fSUNDAY:8 l4 |$ O& S( ?+ _. Z! s# ?
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
9 r& B2 j l; Eand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,9 p1 g) e7 g( q+ h
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like" ^7 c! [" Z! m: _* W! |3 ^7 g4 _
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
