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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
* ~6 W. s, I5 Y# y) t; u; t; Swrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
5 P1 y3 u6 N/ y. v( Q# ^into a regular workout routine.1 O- D# d1 i6 q7 T
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Dear Diary:/ e# B$ J. S, V& j% r
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a% ~8 }- w T+ V. k5 N' O
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I9 |3 G: w; O$ @) ^ B
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 254 Y' `& R* I" e$ |4 S& P2 n
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 O- c. }4 k: Stry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' z/ K5 t* l6 x) V) H# x. C0 |+ m& Anamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
& U( n7 G9 T% |) y J3 n4 G J/ {instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 t; U9 y5 q2 F8 Q d- I
# d5 c: f; Q8 x( Y$ M5 nMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& l! d) X& i* Q* K3 N2 }encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:/ F, u, K- H) ]/ Y9 \* c9 Y
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well3 J+ H4 l! L1 v o' L4 I
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for! C3 e) z t! S( _* U; p; i% M2 Z8 i
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
- i; u6 a7 w% }& g! k& E8 Yeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!9 w0 ~ ?" J1 p$ k$ s
# P( V$ h8 c3 B/ S5 O. c0 E) ^7 |She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ K0 B8 y1 E! j' c/ W. g& U) `that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her3 w" d, P3 ~& k/ j# ?7 v
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 _. c$ V) w% W# cwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.5 `: |/ m! a( A) g/ ]
8 G5 a; ^3 b& x, {( u, l& @; FVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,( v, I( {2 l: W: E" @( {3 ]
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
0 j6 c% Y5 E2 C1 v7 t _. {# g2 Gwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!" p; A5 X' P' y% {
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TUESDAY:
( d* r- h& r% x2 YI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 L. a8 x' l: ?( Q' b9 OBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,9 v3 J6 c, a7 G" e- T: E
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
2 |9 G9 @( E4 Z& {# N0 F# H6 Vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it1 o' K: T0 k# D# W( b0 v9 Y
all worthwhile.% [7 w& [ N4 x L! S: A
# t! D! U4 O+ |& I) S. FI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
; c) T+ [% y! G( f- h$ t& q7 n3 XThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
3 \. b% m& V2 `8 gthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have2 v* f/ h- J& s Q9 }/ q
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to7 [6 \$ ~9 V: q% c
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
" ^# F9 |2 n+ S F# Abothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ }7 x3 \& |1 jearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 H1 v* I/ H+ X8 n% |
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
9 k: r$ y# [7 ~, }! W. KBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
- ~; ~1 j; z0 E T0 y c0 O, Jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
m. Q8 Q( L: }- }% gtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.6 a+ N0 S6 y. u3 h# b8 D5 f
; D- Z, f0 V7 b% rShe said some other shit too.; a; E) A, s/ y/ J |
1 n f# \, `+ e5 ITHURSDAY:
. @$ `- P2 I) A; Q8 V! x1 HBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
! J( v! _# X) T+ R( i2 ^her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help3 Q; ^* i5 N0 o5 g
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' I# M$ p2 i+ R6 E7 d& btook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
' q6 I! A1 v7 Y Zhid in the men's room./ Z5 ^$ c) y% S/ N
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
Y/ z) j' d; a* |7 L5 H9 T& M. h7 I4 Imachine -- which I sank.% S2 }! } E( E2 b! p0 S4 t: a
0 `$ o/ g& h0 ~9 _ E+ q5 M! JFRIDAY:% R* ^/ i, w0 w* h" B% A0 E
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: S) Z0 G5 S! L6 ~any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 z1 X$ r. W. ]1 n' {, d& eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
5 A# J$ |- |+ v$ j8 mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda$ v1 I: X: }" ?% ^* g
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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/ ], y3 V" Z4 R5 p$ L3 V" iAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
, [- X6 c. N5 l& t, t7 u% ^! Dthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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8 O5 C/ W& d( c) ^5 t& QThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition# m3 ]( M8 w1 r$ {" R5 z" _6 u7 X
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach! T% S. [" T. [- R$ t( N
or the choir director?0 I0 w7 ?9 f5 y% x. C
4 m p2 S: r# r( x( ?0 ?SATURDAY:% V% N% h, Z" l, J' a8 d& J' I
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,: Y+ n" `' i/ q- w& k# N; z! ~! v6 L
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
4 E' J1 Z5 H% A+ Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* F- S( M# Z8 V% Cstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight" \# t2 _4 {) e* t* w4 n( z1 t# _
hours of the Weather Channel., w+ e6 x0 d* s+ u* Y+ f
8 y& Q; }; I& g# F( rSUNDAY:
5 z" ]: @) S) }I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
2 p J: W1 T5 u, M2 r, M% dand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* t+ b7 j+ ^; Amy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
3 R* u3 n; X% c# k1 ^& {8 Ja root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
