WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 y' w6 k7 u1 d3 \1 z# U" h3 `9 twrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
9 D; h$ R* r. g; e
# c  l) Q7 O' t# eDear Diary:

, L; B1 Z: ]! r5 H0 k! o# RFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
- R; P% N! I5 r! H+ P0 }try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 ~8 m1 _) Z; A  b8 p' bnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 J$ [: `/ A; V9 Dinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
; _% r9 P5 S2 {/ \encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
" K  O/ ^% d3 ^! j6 \
: ~7 B$ x/ o! y& xMONDAY:
% [  v3 H3 w7 L% i5 w8 J
' o! g# E' _3 @) vStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
: K: J+ |# j( @/ n: V- F# Fworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
: O5 v! V0 g( m9 z* e" n+ O7 g
2 K% f. M" L- Z& h) o  k, @4 `She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
0 k% `1 J, G' B& H. J( U9 pthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ K- Z  o# [; h. Z4 x* jwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

# s! N$ r' O* N- s( z3 KVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
; \8 j  O9 w0 l0 [although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 `0 p2 B- E9 r& v7 uwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
+ \8 R9 `) M. z2 L! M
TUESDAY:
: ?; p  d* M2 o( ^I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
9 E7 _& e6 `; N9 C* j4 a; Q* {7 |treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
2 T1 Q, m/ c8 I/ Oall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
/ K6 e" p' v) i$ `8 D
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 _5 X, b- u; E- S4 Qbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
. R2 q  @3 U- l  ]: w, m1 rBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
+ x3 q* B/ A! D% s7 Z$ Umachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
2 I! J+ J/ n+ Q3 f8 P/ ?
She said some other shit too.

# f) P, e$ f2 pTHURSDAY:
- d8 G# z$ E4 N/ ?4 MBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
- Z% c; G& z0 F" e9 ]5 Jher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
1 C  o! N* E# b# K2 }being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
& P# ~1 F- A5 l. b  ctook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
$ z3 e0 ]4 e: s0 p+ T& P/ @0 r& ^( ymachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
  I* E% u& b/ P, j9 \: lI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
( R$ h( T  ?% V$ k  k0 iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
/ D- a. E$ D, _- a+ j4 Manemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
6 h; y' r8 B0 A% |could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
# x" S8 ]' w! ~# E2 ?wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
. k0 B/ `) O- a" K! g
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 ?: Q, k7 F& r! ]% ]- pthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

  c4 z+ q) y) p. [0 UThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
, F1 O7 C! F9 e! E2 V/ dor the choir director?
9 R3 k+ x1 {# v! D8 p: ]
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
: O2 `: E& C: a8 q. X5 Uhours of the Weather Channel.
0 h8 |/ a* J' w9 J$ |5 [: F) E; I
2 m$ l8 v  F6 A5 V- rSUNDAY:
5 i5 l0 G$ i- ]. z" m2 WI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
9 J: X2 m4 L1 ]2 Eand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 f" h6 a2 ~) V9 D8 ua root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.