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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
2 D3 W- C4 M3 F- a4 nwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
I3 W: E# I4 j- S$ f2 C6 J" dinto a regular workout routine.
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6 g8 t! P+ U$ v; j7 lDear Diary:1 w! X* @$ v" A9 U# I O
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
# l1 T3 [6 R! i. ?7 Kweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I. ^" s) ~5 P1 W6 j" h
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
1 X. R4 D( }& r! h- ?9 Lyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a# a8 J4 \. K& d+ }4 A/ |: |4 [
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer$ e; `, D8 K7 d4 _' \5 d
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics0 M( m- Q0 o* X7 E {! m
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 B. w8 x0 C* F" h- u
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club9 t) t m. K5 ~. Y
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.) m$ @6 f. B+ W
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MONDAY:8 X7 q' f/ `! Z$ j+ }+ Q
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 Z( i, ~) [) e/ K2 ?$ F( {/ u9 ^worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
8 { I" U" W' B( E, ame. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing- y2 j3 A. G2 D5 ?! T
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!' Z# Z& y2 K! v6 b4 m7 r0 H& L9 R7 v
' w, ] j7 T* ~ M" p# @! _* CShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed- j9 g9 D7 W* }- e `
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her" e0 w+ C g, S" y+ }; d1 ^- a
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
4 t! V( o$ c& b. G" T+ `% Hwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,4 T0 N3 L/ Z( u |! E( `
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
3 T# s R( I4 m9 u1 _( Z }& Ewas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 n6 n* @2 Y1 B! t
/ p/ O* h% T- bTUESDAY:
$ g/ E- n+ d# c( Y2 `* V; w# vI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.7 s9 R( d2 W0 F# ?; Y f( w
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
% z1 C/ v; _2 O* f6 yand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the: o2 B) g# y& c" r1 T2 S7 k0 L
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 g* y$ k# Y: W) @all worthwhile.1 \8 T# j, `+ I. {9 a+ m
* R3 a' k2 M/ \* Y `: s) hI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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) M& d9 B% ] {5 I* FWEDNESDAY:
+ ~* d4 O" c* `6 ZThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- o7 ? x. h% I, }the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have" [+ A/ V v! |
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to' g) l, X# U# d5 E7 j
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
% D/ F, ^5 ~* E$ obothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for |! W" K5 Z' D' g
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
* y u$ s+ [* z# V* ]# Jthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
1 U4 Y! \ c5 e7 VBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a- o+ M" d. W8 T2 z( X
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda: S9 ?/ W, A3 j8 t7 M0 F
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.! e& p! q: ?% p) \9 h0 }
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THURSDAY:7 Q+ o0 n0 y: E) J) g6 p, O4 P
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
. M- n8 M5 G' iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
* L) ?5 N/ c1 j( O# \3 Qbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda8 z" T9 ]" }6 N8 Q# r
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and' |& F' p) w: @. r; h
hid in the men's room.( I9 K) I* u6 F
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; ?+ @5 ]& n; e. Z' z r; t1 U9 pmachine -- which I sank.
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# ~- z& _ Q) i0 _! ~. eFRIDAY:
1 G& J& u& B9 J9 @, @I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
? o3 t/ g+ }& Yany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
. [- a5 K$ V+ u; W8 ?2 Zanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I5 D. i# ]) _. l$ k% {) n
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
" k8 W' F* S2 W' A- @ owanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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- u/ n: P3 K1 ~& xAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
@- H9 c& G+ [the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.6 Y2 ]$ T( a$ A! l: X6 {. ~* ~
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition/ c. ]1 r# n) a8 T/ A6 i+ t% U
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
( A& n8 o3 p* @+ a) {: @or the choir director?4 Q5 A' H# G: W. D( X4 V
. Y4 `3 s" Z2 k$ ^- D9 ?" v& B! ESATURDAY:
. }; h9 a) \3 G9 _- k* gBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
9 I5 F3 |8 y7 a' m% S oshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
`! d/ ~- ~& h1 | _0 W4 rmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
+ w! i; m3 \3 h2 ^+ Y+ _1 Estrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight$ [$ d2 j- V' O% ^2 T$ j+ E
hours of the Weather Channel.7 ]5 W' S! {% ?) U
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SUNDAY:7 Y" g K& C, T$ ?7 x( e0 N
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
_4 e( y" J+ g( v- y1 h6 l3 Nand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year," Q$ t+ G* b; ~- \ ]) M" }
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like9 d- `, Y- Q, C
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
