WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
; Y' Y9 h# R' ?* ^wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
2 S& I/ a$ y- p: n' zinto a regular workout routine.

& ?1 P6 Z) v$ a' M% A" o! jDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
) Q7 k- T) k, Oam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" Z) B8 {& D1 g& ~- n/ Jyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
5 M: T% y) Q2 A2 Utry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
* g- {9 |( Z4 c& q6 v2 K) q% Sinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
% U$ m* C9 }0 k# q" I
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 U; [2 t3 `3 I- {0 Wencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

! v. W5 K* c  v0 o. P; Z0 P: }MONDAY:
& |, K( N% |! |0 O6 Y' I) f
, V4 F. u; X) T) v; q) XStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
( _& P1 Q, T( P5 q$ e9 |me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
+ }+ X$ s7 T0 M: e: S5 R4 i
- B. v4 [! x! u& {She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
: a: c6 V4 K. q4 Q2 n& o- Othat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
; F3 c5 G1 ~! p9 J) I/ L3 M) x  p1 s2 xin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

7 H) a$ Z& M7 H0 `) U$ d* T9 ~Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

2 |9 l7 H' Y& ]( I. hThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
7 o( D. O4 m4 f; K8 h' l% z
9 }. \7 I4 J/ j+ @- ]! YTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
% d! ]/ z3 w7 k% I4 y/ wBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
: b% t  ]( Z) u+ T7 s8 t; wall worthwhile.
/ Z2 R! l' G2 e$ }  Y
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 I" r7 p9 ?; B0 T0 t' cthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
9 B' |; I; N8 v/ J, r- ^a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, u. e1 P4 t; [steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
" @7 D. P/ \; J- Vbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
) F5 g) |+ Y/ Q2 ]2 ~that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ L3 e# b3 t/ e! CBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
7 B: u+ c& u* rtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
5 ]+ n- k; \% C+ C' x- d. D
She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
: H9 d5 u; q6 S) I0 UBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
! y$ |3 h) D: h! T0 l+ ~& |0 Btook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
6 c3 m( c. G4 W5 a; T+ H& V4 {hid in the men's room.
, l+ N8 a! [) V9 ]% o% b
5 N8 c' _1 {! N) OShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
; t1 b% u; w* E+ x; Q# @; E# MI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
- H# l7 n! L3 R1 W" Janemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
+ s5 J2 K1 H! x$ [+ Dcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
  |5 {  h( m3 h. ?. z/ y9 uwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
& I2 y! ^& a2 i& Sthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

- L9 {) m$ y9 S& \, s& l" dThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

8 p8 _5 x0 B$ aSATURDAY:
& `. d9 Y1 N8 JBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, S! d1 B- I! j: N# }( [strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
. D3 p& P* R  n' W, [2 ?" u5 ghours of the Weather Channel.

& [; @8 E# n8 F* R( Y% DSUNDAY:
% g) h: u! m9 D% F/ r7 T( g0 bI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. q9 V) o# A& q7 t4 m/ r6 i- hmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
) E7 w9 f9 Y6 O9 p- ~" y, d* Wa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.