Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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8 s4 f% u+ H0 y' D! a! s4 Z1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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* D5 a3 l' P* g5 e; _2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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. b5 V( m7 a9 U+ w3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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% n$ F; C: m6 J. B; S+ Q5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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. B1 ]0 i( q$ k0 ?6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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1 G! u, x9 i3 c& l4 v: Y7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

) I  m8 P  U) H# L8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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- H' f' R- n8 m2 y9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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2 Z' x% A& _# Q+ W4 t5 c# D; k10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

9 h$ `+ L1 [6 x$ ^/ O12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.