Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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- |  |+ J$ |9 Y* x! c% tThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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1 R0 S5 Y: [% x' K6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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3 z( z4 ?% O4 a4 x# J' Z4 F7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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) I& Y5 e* h' W8 @; r- m2 L8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

( R6 X: P. y6 ]; ^" j2 H- @9 p9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

& j9 G8 O5 c+ Q$ Y/ e8 N11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

9 y* v0 U" R8 \3 ^* k12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

# s5 |/ x( F( Y# I0 K0 X13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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& i( w' `& x3 `# n$ I! J14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

, P" z1 E7 f$ `/ z# Z16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.