Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

$ y6 h# U& _+ M* ZThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

3 m) Y* R+ ?& s: P3 d1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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1 N: ?% b& Y9 R) I2 V2 p' T2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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( o4 F: ?7 Y+ f$ h  U% h' e. b- ]9 w3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

. R7 C- h' Z& `  i% H' Y4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

; @8 \+ E' ~& A6 v6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

& \2 f! p7 \: k6 Z$ u6 ^7 O# M  z7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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5 R( O$ s) [$ D4 r10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

+ ?+ g1 l: M* o: o% V11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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9 S1 I: I4 `- H12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.