Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

) W6 A  o+ g( X5 o4 u+ X3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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; u* T/ H  l/ |! S+ }# k$ R! S5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

* O# H, n. m9 H( e$ J4 z" e10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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4 {$ a& L. |$ ?7 G/ t11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

% H$ u% N+ Z. E% x" v/ l4 d0 Z12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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! M0 n* v* F) x13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

' |# j5 x! W" W& c  a14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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6 ?# Y3 A3 U$ t, z& o15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.