Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

% L9 \2 E% h- h0 @# C$ rThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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3 v9 _  I' ~2 W& x' `8 x  {9 C" M2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

% F) H+ N$ ~: m3 ]3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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/ C4 j1 f1 T, z& F: d4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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+ c9 k, _6 S" |* Q' _9 r5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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- e; h. R# s8 y. R: U# u6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

3 t7 Q0 t" y! N/ q* \8 ]3 t  h7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

& I' a7 U# {. n9 G& v- ?# ~/ [+ z12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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+ l7 t  X+ [% `- M# A13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

7 b* L" ^& r4 d/ H14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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3 L6 ?9 Q+ O4 A) f7 v5 A# f15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.