Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

7 P9 X( i6 Z9 U) y1 I6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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& R4 A3 ?- S2 P% \7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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; f- }. j/ V  ?  l  j* v1 a9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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+ o: [! ?. L6 B* _- F# [- c13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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) V2 N7 s. K3 M/ ]4 J14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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2 _: L7 i  `' W: j1 t4 X% p0 k16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.