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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love7 t& w% w3 X2 e' Y$ e. ^# h, P, S

6 y+ o6 [- h- y& kI fell in love with you " E: V& G* G6 I) Q. [  ^
At the first week we met
' V  l( I2 d7 @6 G. n0 X% j' t, G$ }; S4 T6 V, N3 i$ Z& S
You have charm, you have looks
  I' x; f3 d! Wwith full of pimples in face
9 z9 u4 r5 K+ V# E8 RAs spotting sky at a summer night
# n  K3 j0 t  l0 HThey are shining stars9 E# _) Y% d4 e; a
* G$ f( G1 R! I5 s! A. A3 v# v
Your lip is so big
4 b/ f1 N% @7 j$ v3 ~And that’s good for a kiss
" O+ ^4 V4 m' R( iYour body is chubby, C1 |& N; Q  e* {" U( B$ y
And that is good for sex
1 ?2 k0 W0 y+ T6 ~& A3 E4 u, g7 _# F+ S) ?! M) t1 n7 V' y" |
I was deeply in love
0 v. s" e% _! s1 h; dEverything from you is positive8 K  d, N; n. |) M  f5 r  i
You blame me everything and everyday, H/ m+ T# a+ f1 B* v, v
And I think all girls sound like
$ E! s4 _8 C8 D; C5 d, w
4 r2 d  m3 g% ^, wYou could not stand my eating
4 K$ I& }# l) U- L3 [Saying no good for making funny sound
  {' p: ], y5 H5 A) rI think you are perfectly right7 G- ]  p5 W; S( g6 q
Eating with sound is a pig
+ z0 j2 N! T# f. d. ]8 u$ _4 ?! Q9 [# h+ S7 }
I fell in love with you
9 {1 E9 W1 }+ L' k: O, JBecome a fool to think" ^8 p+ m( v  j( w2 h+ H: W# N! T
All trouble things you did0 J8 l7 k& E$ L6 o& {
And that is the price for love+ Q0 K' P4 a* X
* n  m& ^: y! B! y# ], ]1 p8 ]/ r
you are deeply in love& ]" z# C) S. d2 ?% x
Everything from me is negative. Q+ w! s- y  `9 C: u
"My man should be like this,
) h# I' @! t1 e2 @and I am helping you to improve'5 D$ m3 ^- E7 M8 o" w
+ r3 y$ C% ~6 N) r
You are loving me 1 n; m  B2 ]' _- c
or that one in your mind?2 l9 S+ G& G  w) z
My mind is like a mud
$ P: \/ |* y3 N5 G! K- Wcan be shaped whatever you want
% ^( T$ p4 ]/ Y0 H% O% L& m( Q
7 ~3 N/ O3 n- e5 m- ~unfortunalety not my heart' j9 z2 C. `: |. d, t$ Q" p! \3 E/ M
It is slashed by you + t) S; d5 ]. [+ g7 z
and I am seriously hurt
7 ^& O+ C6 ]1 p' n2 ]6 ^% W5 t  N3 V: |+ w3 L/ ^) K; _
I will never love another 7 v7 z2 P+ L1 M" c! g  l
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 E9 q9 J' r* d9 j9 fmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; i& D3 j$ x  B/ f# H1 S
% \( j- o3 m4 ~$ }- M+ Z
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!' v1 Z& Q3 {% n, V
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ; u0 Z# L0 z5 @! e3 c% q0 w# V
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 w  U, I! H  \3 rAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 H$ T: p% N" ]$ e, Y# b7 x0 t
& M7 c  ]1 @7 ~! l& D7 owith the charm,
  |3 R8 Z* ]3 J/ j7 ?with the simles.) S( h( i9 v5 {/ D. c' r. e
I fell in love with you
3 K8 z# U- }- c2 a# L- |% zIn the first sign.
: Q1 E+ Y- q" ^As spotting sky at a summer
4 b0 x& W5 Q4 H/ ~2 c' ?. P6 _/ `- G
Your lip is so soft
9 j1 z( R# B! j$ s" k2 wthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
( {7 S0 Q# }; L0 A: a# u, lYour body is so sexy' J& K: k$ ~( Q* P
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
/ `! j3 c2 C: R: d- o' r" q
# M  u: {# j& D) b0 c' yI am deeply in love
' l4 l( P9 I1 f* r" ~Everything from you is so charming6 F) x+ h  z0 E% p- ]0 \0 u  g
although You r so picky for me
& R' [* \, t* f) W3 o* ]$ kAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
# o! b. X: [2 ^) |) `: xBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem: p- W$ w4 p0 n  r7 Y: l

" ]9 Q5 }1 N  x# R2 g8 i0 k/ C% W* l5 [- h
His hello is the end of her endings
2 R$ X. j+ t7 aHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle# h8 @; Z  r, J+ a% M
His hand would be hers to hold forever8 D, z% W5 ?0 P* P
His forever is simply as her smile
3 d4 V- |9 Q6 h5 G& D/ k# V1 UHe said she was what was missing
2 E& [. ?* y  i, g7 t1 L7 V/ v2 qShe said instantly she knew
7 s7 T! }0 U6 i9 m" aShe was a question to be answered2 P; f, O3 I4 ~8 G+ O, R3 y
And his answer is $ ^6 A) Z( u4 O6 {6 [8 L) H
I do
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas' \$ ]- M! I4 ~" U4 u) A  @
$ y, {8 i4 s2 [  I2 O8 L- C
Below is my new one, any comment?
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 z" T2 b$ D8 d% f4 _3 t
5 J  ^3 h$ R( aIt's amazing how I felt
2 D1 [4 u1 p5 n1 hwhen I was with you
# h1 E+ f. W. ^1 m* s/ A/ ]My heart beat so fast+ c6 r$ t8 [" r& M+ k) d* D# U
I looked at you and thought* P! \; u$ s0 t/ m; |* ~
Holy Jesus, you were so cute6 D  O( d) d$ A6 v7 Z4 }

* ~$ b( M3 g7 X9 v8 o7 s" @You left me without a word
4 |: i* G0 F$ ~I have nothing except my emptiness
1 M: s- @% @* W6 p, s' qMy mood is like a cloud! h) b( Y  q( s3 z5 ]4 J. K
How could it be dispersed?
5 Y9 P% N1 f( j2 m4 x: z1 L) x" z
Feelings bite my heart
+ O" L- S0 y% W$ p0 u& P" uYou are the right one I wait9 Z/ x% P2 B1 V. y
In the depth of my soul9 W4 R( U$ v# ~- r# u5 u% b" e
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 \6 c' c& [) q- x5 N你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ D( o* |% l6 X# g  Y' V就和用中文写一次
* B) K& d8 [* \6 U) {4 ~! v0 g阿,我爱你/ Y# i) e$ ^, m8 @
你让我心跳好快
1 a$ F# d6 g4 g( f' m' U5 o: o8 Y你让我脸发热9 w+ k: H6 ~$ P+ f% F+ c
我爱上你的大嘴唇% ^% {; U! H! o5 s  }% @& V: q
XXXXX
/ r5 u3 H7 @0 w& [" f不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 |' v7 y! l( ~! x) w
1 y+ t( Q; d6 U+ u如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, }9 Y! z% Q/ L$ e; i至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 0 g% _! B3 }" h* `% j6 o# w& ~
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" J. @! F" [9 |& ^: o/ }% H$ W
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% ]: p# s2 K$ E, I! z9 [5 P: l7 ]
就和用中文写一次
' B$ k0 f) q1 S4 Y( O& ~2 p阿,我爱你/ A9 b) H4 \' x# w0 o& l
你让我心跳好快
' g$ L( `+ P4 v/ }. Q你让我脸发热
$ z: o2 q7 t9 z- D) M& Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
. [! I3 ]' b* QXXXXX& E% E2 w1 j1 Z7 K1 r7 H9 v$ H# d
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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9 y9 E2 r/ {7 w2 _! x1 }; {1 M
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.7 U7 o- E  o$ B% O: E" c; ~7 W/ y
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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