我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
2 B6 `" q5 P: b/ Q" J
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
# m1 Y% K+ M$ [+ Y
! G' q$ j2 _5 N8 H: bYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
2 X) V! l& {+ j1 F/ U1 C" SAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
7 z6 Q  t. P4 U$ C+ X- gAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
# S" C+ e) B( b' O$ O
; W/ V- W5 W  t6 O4 ]I was deeply in love
; @8 v& o+ g$ cEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

1 P! P8 J) h9 K+ _7 P; S. yYou could not stand my eating
$ s; h1 i' q  X& E1 u$ ~- E: i. d1 _Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
( }! L& t. {. G5 GEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
7 M' F; m) e) x# o1 q/ [( mAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
! V3 \& V5 u8 ^7 v0 I* @6 c+ C! vand I am helping you to improve'
1 l3 u) B! J( i- K/ y
: t3 ]% @$ }0 I) N* T! c8 bYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
8 M6 I/ {$ I* l% @" m2 m& E$ Jcan be shaped whatever you want
, l; f: [8 f4 s0 e+ A+ `% P
1 l$ H1 B, M  U- y. z6 [/ |unfortunalety not my heart
: C1 l; p: q; m) w( A/ p& P  GIt is slashed by you
+ t' |) T8 s2 M6 P5 Jand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
- d) U+ r4 R/ \6 ?; lmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ @# c# C9 E" s$ S, D
% p6 d$ i+ y& L5 W2 r6 C& C咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
) c7 U" M' |: g3 C  r+ ^i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
. m  V4 ^* U7 U. z0 ?' X8 [
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
) O- o( |, g! sIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
$ p  C; g& v. _0 W9 G4 [there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
5 U6 U. |8 d6 J( }: U5 jEverything from you is so charming
$ j: k6 q) W( J' h+ ealthough You r so picky for me
) o3 ~( T' o" ]; k: ?/ Z1 KAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% L8 n) k% s2 |( `7 bBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
/ V9 N  o. N& b4 f# z" u* FHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
% h$ i( y/ n! D1 w, J5 f+ JHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

# E9 ]6 k# h$ a. RBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
+ z6 c& [# G: fwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
# h- M' z& n: `2 u' HI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
4 |$ Q5 Y0 @# q2 U9 V1 q) O8 SI have nothing except my emptiness
9 r8 P2 C6 P& W% R! ]- ZMy mood is like a cloud
4 |+ H7 v9 j9 c4 `6 {. OHow could it be dispersed?
# ]% X2 Y8 Q8 u2 D
Feelings bite my heart
# d* \# W5 a7 n3 eYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
, n6 g& H2 L( Q" k- I+ yI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
- I% y. v0 `8 `就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
# h/ ^. y. }  `我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% z0 A) }2 R9 c9 f不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

1 W/ G$ X3 t* C/ h+ b如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  L' X; T+ U0 l( I) B9 |* y+ h. W" I至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 `6 |4 [/ F; t# g0 d6 D闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- x$ q4 a( |+ g" h- ^阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# l; f4 W2 V# T0 d( U' |) tXXXXX
  D$ ]5 @4 Y# R! u" n不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 J3 \; v0 t# C9 d% J8 U  d

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。