我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

$ c8 G7 e7 f! P! f3 M4 CI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
, X1 [9 W+ g$ [- V. l% ?
You have charm, you have looks
/ }- Q4 U" N9 Q3 Bwith full of pimples in face
, a& v$ m2 n/ LAs spotting sky at a summer night
$ T9 U# ^( q2 ^0 R8 gThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
) Z8 A( k1 P" [+ d$ W* vYour body is chubby
3 q& y+ @* N# a1 ~: _$ c9 HAnd that is good for sex

6 `; y* c, t# T! D$ eI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
2 _! p3 ^$ o4 e0 r* y$ fYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
/ G7 ?1 `8 U. c3 R* X! j, e3 ^
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
! A8 s6 Z, k( p& ]& |! @3 hI think you are perfectly right
$ o  a2 l) A0 c# b9 M2 uEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
; G& X5 n% T8 N$ b+ a: Y& EBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
; A. m' A. O! h9 z1 RAnd that is the price for love
) X$ @7 D$ g" P: I
you are deeply in love
9 T0 P6 r: H) t- m' vEverything from me is negative
. p- b: k8 d2 ]9 M5 A"My man should be like this,
8 ~( r8 M+ d" ~6 i+ Iand I am helping you to improve'
0 U! G1 r: `0 A) F* `
: ]! Z: [5 D, n, oYou are loving me
- m, d/ k# O( @# M+ xor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

7 q  p  k9 G( a/ \, Vunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
- W5 p4 ?) X' c* _+ s, Z, Q. X. Aand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 K  t( {0 P/ [/ m! P% h
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
$ h4 W+ p3 ]# s9 o不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
  y& ?+ R6 ^# ^* ti am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
8 H$ [) N  a1 h1 g: s" a, @, PAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 i+ }8 @" O* I( H
. [) a- Z9 r5 ^: E$ _+ Swith the charm,
with the simles.
7 B% X1 a% o& I! }5 y3 MI fell in love with you
1 w+ m& x4 O( ?1 e/ Q) iIn the first sign.
' U" M* ~9 A9 T, Z8 U, hAs spotting sky at a summer
* C- S! b, k& Z5 X0 J3 y
$ a+ g) u2 U+ y5 t4 I) K/ Z# BYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
( @5 s% p4 M* E" h( aAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

5 c- Z: R2 f+ l) g5 x: e: yI am deeply in love
1 D$ r/ a, Z8 f# SEverything from you is so charming
# ?% Y) Q" x- Walthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 q+ U1 J1 X: c- l' QBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

7 r9 j/ X* z. F2 r2 A* Y$ d; y- D
His hello is the end of her endings
$ m9 T; S* i& P0 J+ B% xHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
$ O  k4 {( ]. _! i% ^! {* pHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
; E) A9 A6 {1 s' Z. _- KShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
$ O. [" S2 L6 K$ p1 C3 [- k/ SAnd his answer is
- a$ B9 V% ^# E* W2 _5 r) _3 dI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

) s$ a0 r2 m: B- I! V0 t1 F  W" Y! mBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
; W" e# J- m) d, B
. C/ U. p. L; pIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
3 Y# F1 P0 `4 \& @0 ]# t8 k# AI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
4 Q" M% q: n# b% j" P+ D% e
( p# q6 S) o, m( [7 H3 IYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
( z" V# M. I) n  `" ]3 d, u7 MMy mood is like a cloud
& u$ u- P, K* J) \% g+ N) RHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
3 q! j. ~! c9 C8 \$ m) M& G6 ~I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 p1 T8 r( V$ O- Z你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
* b, X% d. U- v# p' L/ `+ V你让我脸发热
& d+ Q; x' I7 y" X+ L我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
3 q' u+ R  O+ t: M( h- b
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" U, F' v* h" ]) H闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
1 H. \1 L' d2 \你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# y. D8 K7 @3 N7 s, w, _4 R) v: OXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

: J0 R. [  x8 R  W% L* p. |靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
0 r* }2 x0 X$ h+ H- O1 {  g

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。