我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

* Z+ D) N; W+ V5 {2 I; }You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
2 j( X; e( x3 YAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
: ?1 x- m9 B) z" I% ^And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
; K& a" Q2 l- l1 X9 B5 e3 F9 pAnd that is good for sex

$ t4 s" D5 V' H/ l, b5 G5 S6 sI was deeply in love
9 L' }7 s; c5 rEverything from you is positive
. ]) {4 C; K2 i8 [7 N! L. v+ TYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
9 E, Z; d5 P  @6 }" N
6 G- E8 T0 `" k# D1 r; Q$ P9 m; C! TYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
! }3 t- v/ d" [Eating with sound is a pig

4 Y1 Z3 K) x$ m% K; O8 lI fell in love with you
% c' a& @3 s1 jBecome a fool to think
! p- Q. x, c3 Q# l# t# N/ E' w4 R$ }All trouble things you did
/ h$ |/ R3 q, dAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
2 ]# p6 v, R: x8 m. D
You are loving me
: _; z: O1 v. @or that one in your mind?
3 @, m1 ^" H  Y6 Y+ p3 I/ t7 RMy mind is like a mud
1 j" ~8 U9 q# q% }+ O8 s6 ycan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
2 h' P2 w  T+ L, {; e3 QIt is slashed by you
, d" L, q1 M+ l& B6 v0 r$ Band I am seriously hurt
6 [' Q# a3 s0 F2 [' B. w: |$ F2 f+ d+ Q
I will never love another
# R2 _  Q9 y, x) ]1 S# KIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 V7 |# Y- L2 g" k. v4 J' Emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

  v. e- O6 e% c: v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
9 T6 J+ |; E. D2 D+ H& e3 @9 G4 u  ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
" q2 O" L5 Y5 G( q9 EAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
! k5 I5 U+ ^: C/ ]5 UI fell in love with you
3 Q+ H$ M& ^1 v6 yIn the first sign.
( r5 {3 o* o& _, M0 v* \, KAs spotting sky at a summer
) Y) @: W( m5 t
) s/ I% S7 \) y" u) \; F  l1 E; bYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
+ ?# S1 Q. l+ o+ iAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
; @+ c& k! y/ b' W! a+ Galthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
; g( X) [/ D0 t( RBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) q/ b& ?( g, \9 p9 z

7 }2 f* [8 H9 M  {2 t' ]His hello is the end of her endings
' Q8 r& W6 Y  p: THer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
' {( U. M: q1 W/ aHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
' Y6 ?8 K' e6 G9 h  ~( M* ^She said instantly she knew
' U0 ]* s! I+ ^- gShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
; |, h( z. `0 R# @9 @. s: P& m8 G0 ?2 vI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
. I1 y4 n+ a; P- S& E+ y
/ }$ a, `4 j7 o5 ]" K; ^Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

0 J% x- `" i1 ]  c- ZIt's amazing how I felt
9 ^! M# j3 X6 a" S) \when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
- X9 M' Y7 {, oHoly Jesus, you were so cute
! L2 G, W# \/ v8 X- P: i; \
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
6 e1 N0 T' k- D$ a5 F' DHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
0 ]+ \: F6 J" d5 d' WI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) s; f3 ~2 n2 x9 S2 L( m) B你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
5 s- \! y& M$ \; E6 R阿,我爱你
1 D2 e/ B9 c: v$ O4 j0 _3 G# h+ E你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
+ ~2 J5 D! k; i3 L6 W, r不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
5 I2 M3 M1 x' t2 ~/ P& E至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, n* m; w6 A. }" L3 f6 s- P- T你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
) X, O" z7 ^% u  w+ L阿,我爱你
8 X( }3 E! g7 S你让我心跳好快
* u% F( n7 G: Y你让我脸发热
7 _6 A& D6 E) l: ]* k7 `我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 c) l& h& B2 y/ O! J; a2 }
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。