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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
+ I: N2 x! |. F& k# i' e# r4 K/ x! E0 C% r/ H: B8 x# W0 i" R, N% w
I fell in love with you
4 b+ ^" ?. G$ }At the first week we met
* l  V& Z: N# F2 M) Y5 p, G; r
* I4 r! S9 u. _3 i) fYou have charm, you have looks
" m) q5 T& {/ o3 |with full of pimples in face
& [! ], B7 K+ s/ ?0 P' KAs spotting sky at a summer night
% @4 N/ @) u3 X6 Q. y9 s* q, gThey are shining stars2 Q0 }/ u7 k: ]% ~. I
: U' @6 C7 n  T5 Y+ X# }, {
Your lip is so big5 N" p% a) k1 {# l+ q" p
And that’s good for a kiss7 e/ A' X+ `2 ~9 t/ Q% c, c
Your body is chubby2 z2 G8 x$ i+ v6 x( }% P2 [) T( Z
And that is good for sex) z& Z. G' |( t, s: Q; f4 @  X5 B, o
& s1 N+ ^, ^1 c: e+ V* P, L
I was deeply in love
# D( w& L: m% r7 N# ^Everything from you is positive
/ O6 |' f1 g1 n0 f- \You blame me everything and everyday
; Z. F: l* n/ W6 u% `And I think all girls sound like3 D. G3 d! ~, a* r4 |! G
* i' Z# v4 p4 X. w) r
You could not stand my eating) s' _8 D8 |# B/ A/ x1 b- k2 w
Saying no good for making funny sound
. o& M: |) V9 J6 |( z# b- e. A! pI think you are perfectly right; ~+ s- g' Y6 E/ p/ f8 E! q; ?
Eating with sound is a pig
  W- C' r( L. T3 c2 \& h3 G
" n% x! d6 p5 i7 H2 oI fell in love with you
% s5 _9 m5 t; l; k& X( ABecome a fool to think
1 y+ T( s$ f5 b- n5 T5 MAll trouble things you did; A+ _' y( |0 R( n
And that is the price for love
. {2 y# d' M- n' L, t( d  c1 ~$ I: F/ h4 b: ~2 f+ q
you are deeply in love4 k, o+ F' @  d' @; v# f  s) ^
Everything from me is negative9 N( z1 g: L" c' q
"My man should be like this,
; a" S) O1 M' N. O- Land I am helping you to improve'
) I; e7 K, {( H1 L% L$ F' ^6 ]/ _# B& Q* A/ \
You are loving me ) r" s+ U% e3 r
or that one in your mind?
$ @- H7 u  c7 S8 X) WMy mind is like a mud0 R. Y- i  V9 P! _/ |5 {9 ]+ M
can be shaped whatever you want0 p) }9 L1 A6 g5 v0 y" N
1 Z+ p$ ^) g( v* q9 j3 ^' \/ X
unfortunalety not my heart* G( F8 A5 k' t9 m+ ^; e6 }9 j
It is slashed by you 0 q3 M* L1 |. Y% E
and I am seriously hurt" L! ^' A1 g  y  F

. h+ O6 x; W" Q( nI will never love another * \& @1 }# K! a3 ~0 f6 h3 X  j
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
8 `5 i2 h) m# T8 u. |  p! Y- n0 D+ Qmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
/ X5 q& a* O0 T  r( `
1 W7 s& |+ L7 M. u- {
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!. f/ I" n' x, F% w7 `
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
( Y& c& ?, r7 v4 F8 Ki am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.0 o! [( x7 R/ l1 ]% n
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
1 g" K( z) I  L3 b4 l, Z& z; C" S0 S0 y8 }3 y# }
with the charm,
2 \7 I( q4 @+ c; J+ N) C- ~with the simles.
" C4 o! w5 k, z8 K# C8 ~5 q' oI fell in love with you
) d" `7 p$ y7 |8 AIn the first sign.& r: I, ^6 V8 e7 z/ e, q
As spotting sky at a summer , g4 c4 p* ^# }* M0 K
  ?0 ~- ]! o8 B% P' r/ Z- }
Your lip is so soft ) j+ {0 B6 o( u2 w- j" L, s5 S# E
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& I9 C; Y* x" I7 {
Your body is so sexy: r. K7 {# V+ R. Q- m
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.: N0 g& D! B: e+ X3 {/ q& B% C
+ n) {4 M  D2 S! k0 \: ~: A
I am deeply in love
% H( Q7 O7 n9 i# f. A- U6 x  hEverything from you is so charming5 M) |- v$ v. s$ F; N1 l
although You r so picky for me # c# v2 v  L1 L& }( v* `7 H* e: ?5 y
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
5 y: Y, J: R7 G# T: PBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem. Q3 p' e* F- y

! b; n$ ]3 S( W& ]( o; n; m, {0 |7 k
His hello is the end of her endings& E8 m, c' V/ m$ ^
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
" P, \1 u9 g+ O7 V2 w4 lHis hand would be hers to hold forever0 E# M$ Y0 t, W6 O: l1 H
His forever is simply as her smile
# z, m) ^) o$ j; U! P- o. w5 x1 ^He said she was what was missing
! X' S/ W7 x* lShe said instantly she knew
) G7 B1 c* }: m* u; y  sShe was a question to be answered
/ c2 {1 L( J4 \$ y' FAnd his answer is
* Q* A/ ?5 T1 \0 ~I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# s8 [. A$ W; b# U. i0 p& T

! ^! M* M0 @. Q! RBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt  A6 p! ]$ ]; w8 m. ]0 ]

# v& p+ J/ H/ U( W8 n6 Q" ]It's amazing how I felt * b: T2 X% M4 s9 N
when I was with you
5 u) X" ^4 b+ EMy heart beat so fast7 _9 P  O/ j, F  @
I looked at you and thought
6 ^6 P% K) c9 H4 C6 ?Holy Jesus, you were so cute/ N" P- T7 F7 j5 N2 Q- p' ^% K

  x- e8 g" N0 |You left me without a word. N6 l( p: k! y; K( N- a
I have nothing except my emptiness0 M& _% R( s0 u, `* ^4 U
My mood is like a cloud, c* d6 ^! A+ Y  ]8 G6 h7 J& G1 `0 V
How could it be dispersed?
" e  M# Y! m3 }5 N( I+ T3 A% E
; |0 T* C0 g7 g4 x# ^0 n: y: |0 dFeelings bite my heart ) i) P0 ]* i9 P4 ?, k
You are the right one I wait
+ f+ A8 _: E) |1 A2 s) mIn the depth of my soul
) D( Q' a- |" [! H0 F* X9 u# Q% A2 OI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* }0 z1 x3 i3 C# l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: S* b8 j; P8 m1 u& f6 C就和用中文写一次. l# _7 K) V5 G# d9 V$ i; f+ [1 j
阿,我爱你" s" w8 F- n  _9 ^
你让我心跳好快! g2 s9 {4 l7 \& G# |
你让我脸发热
. s( d" g; y( t我爱上你的大嘴唇4 y" E5 o. U. u" G/ D$ V' {: @
XXXXX
( }; _+ F' X. t, x/ i2 B+ n  _: o/ d不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?8 A' u& r8 Q/ Z

' t3 v2 I0 C4 V; F0 ~如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER  H  y% m1 `% {* r5 r
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ) `0 F& S" p& M/ m8 V
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, X9 d6 N6 D; @7 l* D你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; N4 e3 \# O9 O' V2 [. c+ X就和用中文写一次. p1 n7 j% V7 P( T5 |
阿,我爱你
% C% _8 X: D7 M* l7 p你让我心跳好快
% b8 b/ s' U/ Y+ q5 }你让我脸发热1 e% o# P, B( o4 w; c+ N
我爱上你的大嘴唇
. C7 V7 J0 I7 H8 IXXXXX7 I$ Q3 F6 z' v
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
3 f0 V( S  K# N( x
) c" F0 e5 v. F+ \# X  M; E* J
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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