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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
. S$ G, }8 e% U" G* D6 M; q
# N4 N4 D7 K' ~5 K, }. }/ FI fell in love with you 7 J# v! s2 x5 M/ C8 K1 A
At the first week we met
9 }0 U! }; a4 A/ J$ w8 x& S4 X6 D& E' `) `" J  v
You have charm, you have looks  n! z0 h: E7 h  e* l8 z! P1 B
with full of pimples in face
; k5 D. e0 Y, s+ @: W$ GAs spotting sky at a summer night# g. H) b! O! Y! P
They are shining stars0 F  K$ B# a$ F. f
: U8 B4 x& b' U9 |6 J6 o& d0 R" x
Your lip is so big) y1 b+ d" G8 h" c$ n& `
And that’s good for a kiss
/ X9 ], k* ^" m, hYour body is chubby1 n% M' x+ z2 k) K1 u# q. J
And that is good for sex
  f; K  h: m; q4 q3 |6 a' I) P7 c, A
I was deeply in love
+ a7 E  e( p6 HEverything from you is positive, i# X: j0 i4 K  ^; X( V" C
You blame me everything and everyday; g# X( Q( w8 L7 y* Q1 d" k
And I think all girls sound like4 c( m1 G& q% b$ D; n
) ^$ l; ]) U+ w9 \
You could not stand my eating
# H* q$ \) T" vSaying no good for making funny sound7 n0 Q6 X8 T1 ^# _5 C; k  Q
I think you are perfectly right
( k* I8 z( f8 y4 e0 cEating with sound is a pig
& R3 k( D- Z8 ~* |, L
& |, ~. u1 Z' N+ H( Q2 f" o* G' r; GI fell in love with you
4 |, o8 @' O  B0 U" w6 IBecome a fool to think3 p$ Y& m8 K. k/ [, S7 K* O/ n4 H/ v
All trouble things you did
" i5 b1 s) {; s; gAnd that is the price for love: R6 q' e3 f$ H; b5 n) V

8 ]# h0 T" {" J; ~% Lyou are deeply in love
+ R; F, O$ x' x3 Q& D) v# FEverything from me is negative
3 n% j# u8 Q. q% ?$ G"My man should be like this,  m' m8 a0 D: G% p2 l" D# Q! C( s  N9 u
and I am helping you to improve'
3 x5 N! L- h) ]% B8 r! m( y9 t! `; H. O& C; S0 i( S
You are loving me 8 O% y# k0 G3 [* J
or that one in your mind?
1 O; G7 V9 u' s/ W& i0 }. RMy mind is like a mud
$ u4 g. O; e0 W) ?+ {: \' Ecan be shaped whatever you want
5 g- h+ d0 g6 |3 }( l3 A4 }5 C
0 q. ]* R5 E% s% q, |. |+ g8 lunfortunalety not my heart% ~6 U' E# k- I7 a: x0 Q# t
It is slashed by you 5 G% u. x. x5 ]% x* y0 j0 I1 H
and I am seriously hurt- T6 H; k* n" t" ?% \' {

: X) K% w5 g5 w+ p4 L' P  vI will never love another
2 ]8 V, c  M0 F' `( O# Q9 sIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 : @" K& M+ c3 \2 S. r( A
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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1 N) u0 q! c' C0 ]; v6 v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 r- A5 l. G2 F2 ]$ A
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
3 e. j, ?# e5 o# ~i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
. Y& g, y, Z" U9 M+ U, h: QAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
6 Y$ f* b4 M' K& }6 z6 N( a$ c2 f% k9 P. f' d+ ~2 U1 I
with the charm,
2 ^: G) ?; t  f* y  K7 j+ `* kwith the simles.- e9 Q9 S* ^  n' x
I fell in love with you : |1 L+ x. J: G; ^2 k
In the first sign.
" L; {- a9 h8 f3 g2 ~As spotting sky at a summer
0 I8 J8 ?& S' {  c% g0 h
- c1 I# |0 @2 E" n; Q; WYour lip is so soft 9 j; I5 f+ D' k9 N
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss; E- ^6 L- N" n8 f- B5 T* J. C4 b
Your body is so sexy3 [2 [1 [# L$ h  c: Y+ m! B; n( }
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.5 H* l% Q# V- ^) |2 @+ j! I( W
1 y+ s* L  e/ i  o
I am deeply in love
: Y5 r& R0 g% zEverything from you is so charming8 V/ b9 M* [  m2 x& ^
although You r so picky for me / Q" e* H/ P# B4 R4 V2 z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& b* W& R) I& e: U7 H1 q% M" VBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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  V, P) i2 e2 Y0 v6 i1 P) o
His hello is the end of her endings
7 d+ ~* ?$ h+ h, `0 i; xHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  P8 p0 {0 s4 h/ g4 a2 V) M6 NHis hand would be hers to hold forever. _5 d! G  x: A  O" K
His forever is simply as her smile
7 A- V) u& X0 I2 u" E1 n8 R' tHe said she was what was missing! k2 c% a5 B& N8 t! d* \: G
She said instantly she knew
; p. f: ^2 g. e: pShe was a question to be answered
# F: F& e1 b6 P- \" WAnd his answer is $ g8 L& n  X( T3 v- {
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas  P" q' p; ~4 g# q1 B
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
5 u- R" r# w8 T  \
' h- |% g* c6 E7 TIt's amazing how I felt ) }; t4 Z9 i1 B
when I was with you0 l$ o, F$ C- F
My heart beat so fast
) i7 g# \3 \; f. QI looked at you and thought
% c# z' t$ K! {9 I4 ^6 IHoly Jesus, you were so cute
2 e, i7 i0 i/ F  }. c- ]5 ]- @& U5 @5 X: A3 P4 ]$ ]
You left me without a word
9 P: x: H. N& NI have nothing except my emptiness! U5 p+ ]# _( a
My mood is like a cloud
$ c, f1 V7 |! X8 G  _5 JHow could it be dispersed?
$ a# r; n2 R, g5 N1 k$ P' z. {* C: b: f0 b7 s2 C0 S* i  x
Feelings bite my heart 3 M7 Y; Z& B0 i  C# G" b
You are the right one I wait$ Y) L; ^( t) n. O9 K; n
In the depth of my soul. J" q# l( w" ~7 k2 V2 ^( o
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美; T5 b- g5 P, I. J7 `
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' V$ X5 D: l: p6 d. F1 q9 l就和用中文写一次5 v7 b' d4 y, |2 \- c
阿,我爱你
& q% Z# [( r0 D+ |3 }- y你让我心跳好快4 E/ G. Z1 Y* m4 [% g: x
你让我脸发热% x( J' `  S) u4 e( l/ q( z  }
我爱上你的大嘴唇0 n% J. ~/ h$ @" a1 Q2 T8 w
XXXXX9 [3 E% ]5 z+ O8 r' c
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?( H2 B& B, ^4 z0 l
$ Q; b& J, d$ f' b- L$ b( `
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  Y3 C# i% }# F) U2 e至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ K8 y* }# Y1 `闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! R0 E. x7 h& W$ Z. D6 v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" ?: p4 J+ g' x  i, V
就和用中文写一次
0 V9 A( q/ C$ \  C阿,我爱你$ S# ^0 A. n( M& H
你让我心跳好快
+ S" {7 I+ a6 w4 X! x3 B( B你让我脸发热. a0 z8 C( ^7 }  k$ d
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, P3 W  w$ |% c! B, WXXXXX
/ L+ w0 d4 Y) Z# D8 b不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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+ d' A0 `" A8 J
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.' c# @: z6 U5 g7 f9 F, j* c
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
大型搬家
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