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 New Stock Market Terms:1 h7 K ~* j: ~4 V
4 j% R$ q `) ~8 P1 E* k- mCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 8 h, m5 L G Z2 {5 p1 J r/ k: j
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 5 F! f/ @, o$ j: D7 J
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
3 ^: t- `6 `; PBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. / F7 T$ Y# c0 A+ m- e8 G8 y r+ C
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. ( Q2 O2 _% _" b" L) w" y' D f
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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' Q4 T& C1 }2 n$ F+ @8 ~9 ISTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. ( q. z& m+ x; V$ n
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. ( K" K8 \$ V5 b2 O5 I3 `6 P4 C
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 9 O- V3 X1 X- M3 k/ ?
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. $ L. C0 t5 ?1 t5 v
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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3 ?2 i& `, s+ B8 E5 Z# kINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 9 { Z- J$ k* f; I! f
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use./ l0 I4 F3 g, {8 Q5 B5 ]
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.% K d" I+ v2 T$ v
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
! w# Z3 L. v; [- sWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
* r. S* W" L# O2 N0 v5 `But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. " u" P& d9 y V0 t
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.9 C8 V5 U) _, E% H0 R( S2 M
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? ' E! a% B |& Z6 H. t1 c9 z
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.* U2 W8 \- k5 C* T) E, r7 J& \. S
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... : q1 u& Z ?+ }: @9 q4 R$ b
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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