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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,' k' M/ e: l( y* ?" d& _
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  : F5 G! U  V4 A, T$ R
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
& x/ ^. p8 W( c; I1 D5 G* Q现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.! \5 w+ p  \3 e
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
3 K# k( }# F0 t3 `眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.' S- Z! o/ G. U$ h
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
7 `# ^* A: ?- S; B1 x% Y' N' z/ e猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
$ q+ N. a5 J9 J就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.; p1 R9 B! U2 A5 n! z
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" i6 P* @; I% S8 [; c# V! g那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。% F0 p0 A9 Q' [) H# p9 u
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
4 `- S& h' B+ v$ c: ^- M& H昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
5 T! |' O, Q5 v3 U想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
9 d4 |6 `3 J4 A最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. . r( |7 K9 D: c. ]3 }3 N: o
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?5 L0 A  n: K6 T  I
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
) s. B9 \1 w) A. w迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.* u* W% T0 j" y# S8 A: v5 q
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.) n1 L& [/ Z0 z5 b& ^. A6 u* O
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
( z8 J% i5 Z- KWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….4 @# c% X! ?1 B1 K  ]
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously# a2 T3 a) C$ o. `
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
" k# }3 A. w' W多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
( F, B5 y& M. v; G! G, `为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
1 j# y: J2 F( C4 I, i8 t( f2 O多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 D3 \) V5 S! R( S
永难平息的泪
0 e2 \+ ~0 C; P& D  d8 ?+ c每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 J. p7 b  s+ u4 k6 t
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% G8 E* C+ e, G9 y
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.( \9 v# w* R5 Y) _1 f: s
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
- q% I) P* W; J" Q你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
% h3 ~3 I% ~% d( a( O6 T5 w一抹微笑;  r6 d, n3 h6 {
一个手势;
/ A+ Q  C) w5 w: i5 J& ]一片话语,1 F/ D3 N% u$ _+ P( ?+ C
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、! i/ r( b. a1 {' |9 X
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
. m) g% N4 Y" S' R$ n! v* z心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.# ^; a" g' {% }8 L5 `- m+ @) j! q
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
, E0 ^& F6 A2 u/ u8 [9 J0 R' D7 X也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
! n  `& b1 l* K7 V! F6 _( ^起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,' _, p( f9 G- R, d& {, Q  k
我并不以为然。
1 J" p/ f5 O2 i( A& g可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
5 \- s2 Z* u3 m1 |慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .% v& e) E4 i: }- d3 c  W' Z3 u6 L4 q
被一种情绪所左右,% W! h$ V# {0 ]% p' I
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
  ^/ C. T( |( d& \即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you# e! N5 J/ ?) s5 B
也不问我是否喜欢你,! R; S$ h! H! q9 f4 R- g
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.% T# g8 ~+ C9 S
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you" E' \, b' i/ D7 {
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
! F6 ]5 |+ }6 T心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
. v7 \6 {4 r# O. s% g( q  p7 \! m然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 w9 E0 d' P) }6 A* h你的身影已化成一种氛围,/ _5 n1 b, c- F. X
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
$ a3 T' @/ O7 V4 R; }你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
8 r, g$ x0 ]- N1 v9 z8 ]  ]* g) E随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
! U$ j$ _5 c$ R8 Y8 `$ l3 T- a7 N2 F哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
. T; k; |3 X" H) L* o/ j2 j一种声音,and your voice
  R3 P# F, ^" b! m也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ {; u3 Q. P0 G  N6 g1 c9 Z掺杂著幸福的感觉。* V. z/ m7 m) P% b* H; K4 i
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land: ~: E. b  B0 {4 W7 a2 c+ F& _  g
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
% S0 x3 L3 a+ p3 k$ ^$ z倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
, g  \( u0 O; h纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。& E/ U) {% o4 Q7 v- @8 f( w) q
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss" t' `! C* B" W
有一个能够让思念的人,/ H0 b) h6 f7 l* c1 A2 S
其实也是一种幸福。# i( R: D  j" C  h$ j
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
4 ~+ r& z: h0 R# h柔柔的海风,
* n8 {. ]: S# K  S7 b甜甜的夏天。/ O( G0 X2 i6 {; |6 s( \# p8 d. p
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
& t0 Z& v& i% v: w( `! u只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
: N2 q: c- U' }, y! y$ \) D" ?5 ~仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
+ e8 f  q; R( ~. U3 s2 ]1 A想和你有共同的情结,
3 R, m4 S! Y5 W4 x共同的心愿。
2 I0 t7 y, Q- O+ B. {% m# t# \+ h5 H. ~8 Z: G3 Z* \% b3 q* P0 v+ ]/ Q
) C, U0 M8 q& V, l3 ^
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
+ W) K4 H4 [& b5 w5 g0 p' ]一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together6 Q* }- Y# r% h3 C
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 1 g( ]6 f; S4 o, V4 W
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
  J  E8 k, {( Y6 g- ^5 D『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?0 |) G, L1 Q, N
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
) N+ q: i) e% s) s( }浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
+ {* D. |9 |& V; C5 Z或是轻轻的一吻,
' s) g/ b; B1 p% l0 E! w再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』( H/ q' m; L1 q
就足够了. That is enough.
! @* C* w& X4 g, O9 p5 a6 V2 `& n( U这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
2 U- y  u  M0 E2 C+ C% U% U终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout." Q* n' z. {% Y& T( x- n2 v4 y
萌出了芽,1 [3 p. A% Q4 f5 x) X
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing  S& M  O' G, O( L+ D+ f
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
% F0 R0 k' N9 _% n$ H* I# S$ M如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
& n; P+ m, J8 P3 H, s% w能够牵著你的手,
4 C* @' K4 R% ^/ y那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.1 M4 m4 h% J* P5 q+ F/ J) ^, P
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
1 U4 `4 |9 c: a7 ]9 |0 v% ?- N慢慢地细读,4 `( J8 Z0 ]( _  a6 T7 r
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
- E' O/ w( ]. g7 c; _在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ; A1 w& J. b$ k. l* M
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
5 d# S# c' ~' ~就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:9 b5 p  d2 u1 U: y/ i
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago0 u8 ^; f/ n  T! R
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; J  E3 o# M8 ~7 ?* K: D6 O; pchange to:lacked
- _0 h" P! _/ D2 V1 R  G猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool., D7 `: m0 ?; z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.( a0 U, z3 _" Y- y
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
, \3 ~, F. T2 {* w# \( h改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
$ r. ?  }- R9 i% P% x1 Y4 x) O  v9 FI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ S# n$ q# s, }9 V6 Y
该为:throughyour hands.
, k% o% r) ^' d# h还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
8 M5 y  l6 r8 E3 p不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。( \# a. R" \8 s" i0 O* p% ^2 f
至少比我强。8 E' u9 B$ x5 L
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
/ P& q7 V! r! R
0 Q4 ?, j" I& {这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。$ i4 H( R( ~( R, e7 X. t; C5 G
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
( v6 H9 R5 {; N谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
) d5 K) N7 A" V' O前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
( B% N& F# D# O" J( @  r& }4 {! B& [Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.7 Z+ d  [: Q( e: J4 R+ S. F
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
' c+ x' K8 O% D; j Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.$ t; }9 y# I; S$ i# N7 j6 ~6 f
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.+ n/ V: i$ u0 g( r* Q& w2 n
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
/ c- R* K$ w- ?Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:( I7 \# m9 z; G; y  |$ G  S* G- V
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 5 J# U' d; a# j9 O! I9 @& J5 g
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
: Y3 \! y% a6 w) u8 M; i' r8 ?I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
) [, e: `3 P# JThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
8 Q' |! _" N$ _: L8 q/ @( uThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
: c* s1 P0 z% u3 O1 y3 V1 m4 AI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- |9 T# ?! \6 eI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.7 l! \3 C8 q) W/ X' b
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?1 t; L# P* @; y9 r8 L' q! Z
Intoxicated then feel cold,
) M! F. {5 K: M+ h. L$ L9 ^8 Vthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.$ ~9 ]* M5 L9 {' q  r3 x
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.+ g! Q& a9 P. S- _6 v% i
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?) _. q1 X/ z3 q" }4 ]/ A. Q) |
Why I am always hoodwinked!
* T+ X3 b  Z) W3 WI have told myself many times cautiously
: P( _6 k5 D9 E8 |2 I* ~don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
% `* X/ {5 ~- }! _0 yThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
$ q" K. k; G. XWhy can`t I take it easy?# X0 q, j+ w5 m1 g* N6 |
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!5 D! {! S" \" b' w- E6 i0 t
When the quiet night comes
, j# `1 K# @' y- |+ Z6 _& g0 ryour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
" r  z1 a) c& d6 VThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
6 g0 b5 l' M5 }" y9 l/ Q2 tYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
& Z* w$ \* K% [5 Q- Flight the dark corner in my mind.$ Q8 d# D1 f1 V8 h; g
I feel a bit of cozy.! P9 A% {7 y& v' M
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
, ~2 w. H- l+ a+ Pmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.9 x! \1 `: E, S4 X6 B. ]2 F
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# Z' b% t% U, h* k5 A9 ]2 H; i) E
but accompanying with the time passed" W7 h8 X1 j, Y% O& E: L! m. m
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
; ?8 R+ n/ }: k4 `& ]: ?always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.: l1 r' y- W# p. @
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
+ P5 {% N1 ^# _$ ?) conly feel gracious for your existing,/ [3 O% N1 ]% T" a9 C
onlt want to do something for you.
: Z. Q, P% s; C9 jEvery time when you meet me2 o- `; X" e# |& i- D* K  S
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,  {3 g. E# ~( b9 P5 y
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere( V! d: j" Y! S( {2 V
That live in my heart.
* K! ~4 V' C* W& yDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
7 n1 c& L1 f! FEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice5 m. H: {5 |+ B
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ Z; a  \' ^& [' k2 ]9 JThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land& h5 W6 q: Z4 C3 r
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.0 ]0 U& H0 k: p6 S; |
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
, F- C! q# t1 i; r' a4 ^7 [6 zespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.! p6 i6 N; }& ~- s
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ; Z# V2 y6 P! |- v$ ]# m0 r
only waiting for you quietly3 ]4 {! ]1 t1 P$ Q) o; g7 p
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.' f& ~2 E! @6 M, p% J
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 B* I/ D% N' \( f5 Wand enjoy the rain washing together
, L2 X2 s1 V4 b9 V4 \7 vor rush to a film
% B1 F( [% k% K2 w% vor listen to a music quietly.; C) ]5 v) \8 d- }
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
& J; ?5 i! ?2 L2 {* h) J" yIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
: a; W- X8 {, b. a5 M# J9 X9 gsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"./ |- w% M$ r( I! a6 |
That is enough.3 v2 J( |  U, t2 Y2 D0 W
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
# I" x% ?) T+ S  V2 _finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
& z) @% P8 \" w# q' Sthe same as my missing.
6 U3 l6 x9 `' \$ yIt comes a little bit of verdure.
5 _) X$ x# u1 M: F! P9 |' o# Q+ WIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
* k  C8 E  b* h* C8 d- bthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ B0 O. J3 P- V+ N, kLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
$ O' J" m; X" eI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
  }8 v+ C: D0 _, l, g! E( o% e+ PAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
! ?0 o/ a# x0 i/ athen I will have all care and ardor.4 z4 _9 R: S/ [% Q
Shall we walk arm in arm?) E9 Q( t7 \9 j  o+ A
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 a# o: M% f9 w( J+ A; b# bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., j3 d$ e3 X+ Y- l& Q+ A
I am still the same person of yesterday.9 C& O" ^# t: u0 Y: K' X  M
Unchanged name, unchanged I.9 l8 g; a9 X# g, M
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. ( ~2 _1 t' L! P/ U
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
8 y5 B; a/ K( v1 o$ t) v- W( Q- V; ^7 yMore or less," C; O$ {6 K1 a" a' z6 Q
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
8 U5 }7 I* f0 U% Q. \" a6 g
% g3 M' _' [3 ?. U% y4 M7 r3 C1 CSummer easily slips away
  W- ^% S! v! U  K* T9 W) UThose long lost hot nights
, w# S3 G% s( q$ i can only be found in the old days.
2 b: P2 M/ [. V# a/ v" w5 _/ g8 v
. w+ B* T8 D0 Q$ W- WCats jumping over the window sills, * B! I& p' G5 A! t8 r* E4 f1 r% j
chasing around in the breeziness.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 5 o3 k! L+ u+ R! O: L  |/ h
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% d# J) }4 ^- ]3 g3 \$ M2 TLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ ?" Y& V0 R# y" d( |) Z; uI am still the same person of yesterday., w5 ~$ B% r: W5 t( _5 n0 t1 O
Unchanged name, unchange ...

2 L! c2 ~6 V" f1 ~0 ~0 O& D! h
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 4 m5 d! a. A. b. e, T0 ~
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
- n0 ^4 ^9 m9 j5 m* g, gLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 l" \% T( v2 C7 E& e6 I+ l
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- o2 \+ o- A5 V" @. @Unchanged name, unchange ...

: l& l8 A6 X% U9 p1 V% M5 q0 ]6 I) ~i like it.
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