Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

# S( F2 \+ A1 q( \' LThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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" M* P( S9 ?8 ~1 z3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

+ W/ ~- B$ t9 I( G2 O4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

! ^& {/ R! F, O. [4 `6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

* x0 [4 H7 Q2 q- {3 h7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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6 t3 D& a7 B6 \9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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9 o& f) r% b2 f' Q11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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9 I* n3 [* c& L  t+ _9 n, B0 o15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.