Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

4 c$ [+ V  I- |: O/ ?; q; g1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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6 C2 T8 {; N9 P: e3 y2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

1 Z' E) c1 q$ `1 \; E# E* o5 f. |" b5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

9 \2 V0 G$ ~. c0 [* o7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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' G  c) S% `/ W4 d, Z( l( S8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

) h) B6 S! A3 B1 `5 K( n9 n9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

3 M% Y0 r) ]$ d# J$ H4 y5 T10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

+ a% t7 z% t+ c12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

* Y0 ^) K3 m. e8 B14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.