Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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+ g9 U9 b+ Z  H2 p4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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4 h4 Q3 ~  p( t6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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5 ~' ^$ w0 A, S! X$ v; N8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

& O, ]; [7 ~, B10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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: S+ n, R# w6 P: F; f7 G13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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( A' B. ?# H5 y14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

! W% s% f6 t0 z" S3 ]! F15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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0 G8 S; d4 |( U9 ^16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.