Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
" ]; A$ h3 p! E  O
% H" l1 ~  b8 W' [# T1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2 X! ]6 c8 }+ A) p! C+ X0 p
: o. [0 O$ ^% e2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

! A, ^! E& X$ k9 u0 k& W3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

. x* W2 D$ \1 k; ^6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
8 }& P; y+ h/ L0 N
6 k% B  F6 u5 G5 k+ p7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

( ]1 z0 J: ?7 W8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
! A- v* `4 ?, n/ B; `
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
; r4 n5 f( J+ e
4 d: m7 r, f* y; G, [+ R10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- ~+ C9 e( i6 E( @7 s. C8 ]
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
3 _' r; H2 ], B: E' `- W* r( X, E
% ], M% O# l, U: E13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
$ ^3 I% ?/ t& j+ O  @& [% I2 n6 Z
: s. {$ ?) ]6 z, ^. J14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
6 W4 v! T& a$ G3 Q% q& Z' A" B
& `9 m$ f" N- j4 p15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.