Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

# j) P2 B, ]$ V! L: k3 vThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

, r$ n+ ?* e  |9 I* b# u3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

" c1 W) e) {  T. s4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

; r, O, K# T. o7 ]! z5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

8 J9 a8 c- Q$ Z$ f6 N2 R# l8 n7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

' F  C2 ]0 ?9 [% |2 ~$ x8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9 M. W0 I3 @. O4 j5 y5 E8 i: v, \9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

. k3 }- Q. }( i10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

; a  o- g$ P# |6 ?8 K7 U1 z* Y12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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/ r6 D: P9 z! l6 G8 M' y0 S13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

, @$ n- [2 V. f14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.