我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

4 D2 R0 O8 V6 P5 F) ^8 DI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
9 a3 c3 ^# [( ?8 H1 {
( n; V* U; C, M6 _6 LYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
1 {4 Q4 Y* N- o7 BAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
2 K+ a0 @: c9 O4 ?6 a3 K+ K+ d
% h3 g! m0 y" }Your lip is so big
  t% k! m& w* H( tAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
) R% }' B6 o% }6 q& BAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
! w6 H# f' Q9 E6 U# xEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
! U' x2 [' ~6 s7 C8 M3 {% MAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
1 U0 R5 y9 ?6 L8 [# z8 p$ S- @Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
, F5 F2 M$ u5 ]1 [Become a fool to think
; i5 d! e! }- E# ?+ |All trouble things you did
# f1 g6 Q" K7 w% l* l  ?And that is the price for love

& u: P* i# \1 u- _you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
; J# Z& W0 O1 K) y"My man should be like this,
; x4 D2 I/ o2 m: g1 V2 S4 s; Uand I am helping you to improve'
6 U7 {8 N5 e" D  d, P& `3 W
You are loving me
0 Q% d" Y, g3 W1 x% Y8 @0 R( ~or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
1 x% |! d8 B2 p$ B7 Dcan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
! {! W+ u$ T4 i; t4 H. lIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
4 i' n: o( g  h9 E8 G* K1 Z: ?1 k
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 Z% S; ?' r3 ^; _- a
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
' g# c. ?& r( k# c, c不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
+ h6 w! R( K( f. u% F& C8 }# Ci am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: A" [4 L+ ~5 ZAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
* L7 a4 c5 {* m, N% Y
% O& h- I$ L; r% l0 F$ ^with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
) M: T/ _! e- [  F  B: WAs spotting sky at a summer
4 ~$ I! P4 z) x' l$ s# V. i
6 c5 i4 T3 I4 o, H5 Q6 [; aYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 q7 p+ B' B, U  y5 o" dYour body is so sexy
; I6 w& U$ n8 e) `And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

) ^$ L; \4 }- z) L4 L, E" aI am deeply in love
; ~1 i* Y4 J9 s: g2 z. eEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
" a) |/ s2 L9 C! V- [And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
! S, L3 c. ]/ |0 H, V. @+ vBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

) w6 y* @' X) o( o- q0 k
. {5 A; Z$ D  m! b( K! ]: h. JHis hello is the end of her endings
5 T. d$ l# ^8 Z4 iHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
" o# z$ u* K/ Q7 A6 _0 ZHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
- `( {, Q4 h7 f0 r) k9 x9 SShe was a question to be answered
2 E4 t: m5 L: \) o7 wAnd his answer is
) `1 I' T) V5 d' R- Q5 ?I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

9 }) X$ R" q# IBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
1 u9 q/ [, w7 M$ e0 K
, l( }. T6 C# H( D/ f" z2 z8 L6 OIt's amazing how I felt
; b7 \! W7 @* k  c% y& {4 twhen I was with you
8 a# \7 A" I2 f4 g* O( @/ nMy heart beat so fast
5 v* n' e6 B8 \5 vI looked at you and thought
% o' _0 C- z  R+ K- ~# H4 RHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
9 {/ @7 I! U# n. n3 tMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
! V- c7 Q% M+ `* L1 d* {0 gIn the depth of my soul
: D& h- C9 A- d& zI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# R% f; A" u9 O4 O% }/ \就和用中文写一次
3 p- K! c  Z) i阿,我爱你
1 [$ I, v" \$ Q9 z你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
+ f2 y1 h$ i5 l# d0 ]我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
3 G$ r# Z. U2 Q1 k2 O3 D! \; i不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( M# l- p/ L1 Q9 R/ n3 z* w就和用中文写一次
) d( @! B6 |5 K  R阿,我爱你
/ {; G( @- @- w* Q- J3 \/ f你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
; t: w+ B# J$ j! k! p4 r5 O我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  K1 S# k# ]8 d* e, [1 Y
2 s$ U$ A2 p" z2 X$ j靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。