埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5253|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love2 I# X+ x! `8 h* L5 o0 _& R- A
' ^8 i& P. M, L6 ?9 X
I fell in love with you 6 m+ Z) Q% l# e, |& \) ^
At the first week we met! X: z0 @% ~4 O( A

  Z% a1 J& Q# `7 d. zYou have charm, you have looks5 }% D1 q+ ^! }, ^9 j
with full of pimples in face
4 {- ^" j% \- M3 P  b9 F9 \As spotting sky at a summer night# t' ~9 t2 ^" `5 k% s6 |3 }
They are shining stars
; u1 _4 G7 {: }0 N/ s& o1 H
- A7 f; _: ]7 F; y$ a* AYour lip is so big
6 v1 q" h) ~% B1 bAnd that’s good for a kiss9 c+ I0 D/ R, K3 W, w( {
Your body is chubby! M. G( i! H' A( h" o& M9 J% Z
And that is good for sex: g( A- M7 s5 T; m9 A# F; I1 z& x

, S* @- ], N- n/ T( A, HI was deeply in love+ G$ X: z3 G9 S' q/ L& e6 y
Everything from you is positive$ R/ T! b2 V1 i/ r- K" l3 y8 T+ j
You blame me everything and everyday) N" x; L% X0 E. p' |
And I think all girls sound like. r/ W2 M! z3 K) J$ g6 }5 u2 D# O  x
) O3 k0 v5 y% j* j
You could not stand my eating
1 g/ S  S) d' r8 S; h+ TSaying no good for making funny sound6 n" S" z9 b" E) O6 q; f& ?
I think you are perfectly right
' t# W* _2 v3 A* tEating with sound is a pig
. |% l5 x! d) d$ }, o& N! E9 I# Y4 K2 W$ v3 U6 [0 n
I fell in love with you
/ Y1 k8 U7 O1 _. YBecome a fool to think
+ N: u$ V1 V* C( m) Z* K( {All trouble things you did
, M) r$ T4 t) u, {And that is the price for love
0 L, S  \6 W! w) S( t$ i; B* b- D1 C: i5 m; p& P
you are deeply in love' e7 _5 \1 U+ e
Everything from me is negative
! H  ~- N# T9 q5 |"My man should be like this,9 |, C) `0 C/ R9 s- ^& o
and I am helping you to improve'
6 f0 I+ {. O& y# t8 e' Z6 v9 b. Y/ c7 R8 w9 R3 {' r4 h" z
You are loving me 0 j. m8 V; [' d3 o# a' {/ p
or that one in your mind?& I( L: P, g3 p1 k+ G$ ^0 }
My mind is like a mud
' O- E- _3 {1 g: O/ S1 y  c. R5 z2 s' ccan be shaped whatever you want; t6 [/ K3 h* W# }) [
" M8 H5 A3 G2 g6 n: r1 w( f6 V
unfortunalety not my heart
  O3 K4 x% @/ h( g2 g  }It is slashed by you 7 c1 z* G: Y/ G9 |4 a* u
and I am seriously hurt
  f' @5 r# O, K/ H8 d% O. P) w* Y9 {7 L, R- |6 P
I will never love another
: m- c. z: v6 {If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 3 g4 r- ^' X4 m3 Z' a1 ?3 C3 P
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
2 i9 {5 b! L/ M& u% B+ w
. J3 s# H5 ]7 ~) T4 a
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
; Z4 r3 \% D( h不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
+ ~7 y7 v# \) J$ Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.! K4 H' s$ T" z
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
  v1 ]6 c, w# a' o, l1 c
: ?; ~0 m9 g8 d  Z2 zwith the charm,
2 q7 Y5 [/ {& `6 H) r$ R" C: awith the simles.
# N* T* j& i, f- |- ^( D- zI fell in love with you % X" T" \% B% g
In the first sign.. c8 f3 I* u8 D$ i4 w
As spotting sky at a summer . I- R' K& ^& m* M

( P4 n) `9 p7 U5 ]# MYour lip is so soft $ p5 ?: q+ }4 R/ C3 ~5 B: C
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss" Y1 N/ F9 \' a, G8 G
Your body is so sexy. ~* D2 H! D8 n- {
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 B9 A; y1 m- A+ s$ b* W' B7 ?
  |# u! V; b4 zI am deeply in love
- m' D( @6 f, K& x- R/ eEverything from you is so charming
: r4 T$ d; }9 V5 ?although You r so picky for me
) p2 t( q. ]1 [; oAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.5 U1 k; A; W, a  n
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# J3 w6 T1 ]: N$ B9 e
1 u6 H' D. G5 r! r2 I% B# Y
/ p, a% C0 k1 r( B, a# ~  ^
His hello is the end of her endings6 u0 u7 u, U; j' K+ W( g
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle/ }  [% n3 H5 ~* y0 q
His hand would be hers to hold forever0 V) m2 Y5 H# _; B0 A. E7 `  f7 E
His forever is simply as her smile
2 Q% {$ s0 Q5 f  F! qHe said she was what was missing
+ |" X1 K$ C: J5 xShe said instantly she knew
. _7 M$ R8 ]- B* k" _% c, l$ h1 @She was a question to be answered) L$ [" J" R& J
And his answer is - q" j; }2 ]  @9 g" w2 p
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
& y: \  [0 m1 i. ?/ o; g* |. y5 p  K) Z2 t6 T$ g) L! F5 ?4 _# {; w
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
: t* u) W; S; l! D9 Z4 h2 O
4 d( j9 |; y  K% `$ g  a. BIt's amazing how I felt
# J/ {6 ]% T4 C& o7 C5 |3 qwhen I was with you: w& k9 I7 X3 E+ N& H& g  v  }
My heart beat so fast
$ |* {( f* A8 Y7 nI looked at you and thought
! x' N9 C. f4 G4 L  XHoly Jesus, you were so cute& n% B7 H% y& Y' r4 r0 @. c& o

" C8 u% H$ V' S" [' O( ^You left me without a word& N% }4 E1 p3 |' ?$ D
I have nothing except my emptiness9 _: M. v/ p5 c3 A6 |2 l
My mood is like a cloud2 W2 t6 ~0 I5 v# b& ?& J. r  `
How could it be dispersed?0 b/ c8 e; n6 |# O: G: R+ |! Y2 ~
+ {8 |! x# K8 ]* d) E+ Q* h- E- W* B& A
Feelings bite my heart 5 b+ }4 {% y1 B" x9 x: R8 p5 c- C
You are the right one I wait( ~! U7 G& v; ~; l% [8 K4 n7 u
In the depth of my soul
. f, P& e, f5 J/ P8 FI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, b! P+ y% U. @" F& g& c
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" L; ?  R" T) l( L* h' A2 |. u
就和用中文写一次
! ~4 X2 f. d" ~; C- Y$ Y7 _阿,我爱你
7 s8 p6 @. b- h6 Z/ G你让我心跳好快
: w7 I% s- g0 f3 E& o' Q你让我脸发热
6 h' F5 ?3 P5 `) ^9 y2 `/ h我爱上你的大嘴唇7 Y( @- H: |' b" p2 E
XXXXX
( V( p& q6 E9 D8 K, u  n+ V6 A不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# T. Q5 }8 W3 q+ u) R/ h; i4 v; X
1 \8 W8 n( R. y如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* v, K, U! t; c2 r3 C. [# y/ |
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 d: r1 D. e8 n# t, e闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 Y' ^6 ^1 \' O$ i8 }# I: h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道. _' c$ @0 `7 ^& }7 ]" `
就和用中文写一次
: E$ _) I. ^* u$ n' \阿,我爱你
0 ^6 p% g/ \( y你让我心跳好快) N3 Y" @7 Z5 K- a! e
你让我脸发热
5 E8 ~8 G% h- W% ^/ J我爱上你的大嘴唇
, s0 ^6 O5 W, N- ?) M- QXXXXX- N2 l0 x) }# \% a+ b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ v$ x* p3 N! m6 [) H; N
# D7 c# C/ _# U% F7 D靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.. R( a+ c, k7 M) b1 E% U
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-4-30 05:18 , Processed in 0.186708 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表