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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love* g) Z; }6 C! e2 [' y$ ~
. x5 {+ d* ]2 f5 b/ y: i
I fell in love with you ! v0 f6 w7 H2 x" O0 L
At the first week we met0 `9 W5 o+ p5 C& m; ]
# \: g7 I' [) E* Q
You have charm, you have looks
7 h: U, t6 L4 h0 K0 U& Ewith full of pimples in face% r9 B) A% W8 ~) Q7 I1 I
As spotting sky at a summer night
" d. G( O, G/ y4 ?/ @: }: c8 |2 vThey are shining stars
& R: J& R9 V( t  Q* ?8 m8 ]" W  X& {/ _% h
Your lip is so big
, E! m7 N" q* s  D% k& AAnd that’s good for a kiss
1 N" s5 ~+ f' l$ [! r# nYour body is chubby
+ ?* \, X1 a! H- O( y3 cAnd that is good for sex
3 J) `+ f1 k  I6 B+ _# [" D& P+ Q
I was deeply in love
1 Z- x2 }4 {+ l7 T; XEverything from you is positive
4 _& b9 }+ d  ^1 `1 p& d. Q' TYou blame me everything and everyday
5 \) |+ t9 l0 A! T3 [+ p* P5 kAnd I think all girls sound like
6 Q6 r9 u( ], |/ M, U; {) d+ ]5 i0 i% a' g
You could not stand my eating, Z& k6 x% q1 c# t5 G0 T. T
Saying no good for making funny sound
; R* m& U1 t  n0 ?$ o; I* Y1 ]# gI think you are perfectly right, h8 o* I7 A" |" ~5 l2 \+ @
Eating with sound is a pig
; D$ K( ?+ {. ?: L+ Y
( S- {0 D& @7 t3 D6 e/ B+ p- Q2 @I fell in love with you
1 q2 I9 \9 f/ `& gBecome a fool to think# \3 _9 ?% u  Z3 v$ E$ y
All trouble things you did
+ m) B2 [2 x# k6 {. |$ l" {And that is the price for love1 K% J/ ]  c5 Q7 C5 K0 r6 j
. \1 _7 f2 ]1 C, O6 u) M9 T0 v
you are deeply in love
. s7 P! N. p2 y; XEverything from me is negative
9 J1 [/ U& K  ?/ s% `8 s"My man should be like this,
1 \- ?2 R' g1 Y, C1 u$ vand I am helping you to improve'
) x2 R+ q) w% d9 R1 U( p9 k) {; _+ t1 T$ |
You are loving me
5 ~- J# W, S! Tor that one in your mind?
7 Q2 ]8 ]7 C! r' ^9 I+ dMy mind is like a mud* J2 z: [7 E9 V" }
can be shaped whatever you want  }6 W" c/ i% y8 m5 O6 T  _
) R0 x4 I! m+ N# A
unfortunalety not my heart+ V) ~% z8 v; I4 B
It is slashed by you
  W* T0 g, c0 \4 s0 ]and I am seriously hurt. E3 M4 j  x& h: R

) G* ]' }4 G% z0 n! p2 V2 N/ R, b' Q4 OI will never love another
9 k0 D# y: Z; E( S" NIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
  ~8 j( K) _% y6 Fmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
$ c" ^$ U; ], r8 v
) h& ?! `8 x) \, X$ T
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!+ V# H# B! ]1 }# J7 }* \9 l
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, : ~% M: }+ n0 K5 j
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ U2 K& G2 L  Y) c5 Y9 j$ [
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed& \  h- ]" i; ?
& f* m9 c, c! k5 c7 B! r
with the charm,
4 H6 _4 c! y; pwith the simles.) L5 E6 V1 V, D/ u2 w5 l
I fell in love with you
. a1 d1 S- d- J1 S' B2 N; zIn the first sign.
( r' x" R- I. bAs spotting sky at a summer , F; Z& u8 Z% j8 J

+ y) K3 p: ^" [* R; G1 NYour lip is so soft
% r7 M% v/ [6 q% ?6 pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
) C) X+ |9 D0 m% w' R4 n: PYour body is so sexy
" w# d0 w4 h  B8 dAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
& I7 D! E/ f9 x, z4 k. S
- `4 u% |4 v3 q! m2 i7 oI am deeply in love
3 [) ?2 g+ I! T4 R  t3 J$ GEverything from you is so charming4 x0 J/ T5 T2 }" @5 a2 S' C
although You r so picky for me
8 I* S- i* Q9 u6 R  bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, [2 D. X+ Z, _0 o( k4 gBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
* O3 ~3 z2 D) P' j* A" y
# [7 Y5 E, @5 U) p: L
. S6 W# E  o9 Q, R9 d" n" THis hello is the end of her endings
7 i( w; W5 B9 ]6 F; @* P4 QHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle, @# h9 s/ X2 a/ w1 z8 u
His hand would be hers to hold forever* E% C8 }1 N+ t( y! e) o7 g0 f
His forever is simply as her smile * |+ m7 T, Q  P/ Y; n
He said she was what was missing
2 w) K; |& R6 s% P# l, D2 f4 ZShe said instantly she knew- G" t. }( g" X' z+ N, X9 A
She was a question to be answered
" S- F. o9 l5 L( f% nAnd his answer is $ H+ l) u4 b2 A  I' E- H
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
# A0 z5 Q" {& x& A/ f  [) ?5 \& u3 }
4 @) }, t) Q$ m0 Y" n+ JBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt# L9 @. Z  B- d! r! u

- [5 q' i+ d& L+ K; GIt's amazing how I felt ; n% H5 e4 r! P" W2 n4 i, |
when I was with you
& S, \0 @: V# C' oMy heart beat so fast9 U0 P1 G- i; E, z
I looked at you and thought
! e+ }. H+ U( m+ SHoly Jesus, you were so cute( X4 _2 [4 Z# d; V' N& F/ v

5 f5 y, N' |0 zYou left me without a word
' A3 s4 @; E: ?2 h8 ?; y# X+ WI have nothing except my emptiness
4 e$ v4 }, L% h! g6 AMy mood is like a cloud% m- Z, z6 x" d  M' y* V; t2 z
How could it be dispersed?
7 o4 l% J/ w; Z& k+ J
$ H2 D; R9 p' aFeelings bite my heart
3 ~: C  e2 m. _7 x1 y2 P! sYou are the right one I wait4 [% D4 P8 ^5 [: x8 ~
In the depth of my soul% [( I. g& X3 H; M+ H
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美/ d6 _# ~2 E( N/ L5 D
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" d& r2 W' l; {1 b5 y" Y就和用中文写一次
2 v- E* x7 f  @. n! u" t阿,我爱你3 N- Q+ K- L! l' e5 h+ r2 `
你让我心跳好快
+ }/ [) U# b! q! G4 ]& i. u) Z你让我脸发热
% S0 m9 e1 h0 V我爱上你的大嘴唇9 _8 v- I3 D+ }
XXXXX& N+ y- N1 p9 q* F( T
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 O0 ?; _  g$ N( g7 X% c! S; K# u; i  L& {$ y
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER' t% Y7 V) ~" M6 e- C
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
/ i+ t0 D! W1 F闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美( |- R. [+ m" Z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道6 }& p( N+ O. U/ v, @( M
就和用中文写一次
- z4 a, p& K1 }) N! X阿,我爱你# b' v( s+ h* r
你让我心跳好快- |! k& O/ l  A8 l. ^7 S
你让我脸发热6 U; E' ~+ p" y& e3 G
我爱上你的大嘴唇, |* K0 q, S# g
XXXXX
9 d, a0 w; n. s& q; e5 L不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

5 T4 X; u9 W9 e
% W: E0 x  h% `; w' y靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.0 r, r0 m% T! [
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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