我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

) \* F7 O3 [/ s; q$ z1 u: M1 q# MI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
( y1 G" L9 ?6 A9 M# E
8 h9 }3 M! b  R8 `3 |8 YYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
8 ?% {8 K& t" d$ Z5 h! eThey are shining stars
  l4 A9 R+ [+ \" E0 I- J
Your lip is so big
$ {% K% Z2 c5 O& m! x+ _, O" ~And that’s good for a kiss
1 X2 ~, l( C* Z$ E& T5 \Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

; a, O3 X3 q# e- }* M: {" O  E3 eI was deeply in love
/ q% F( v) P7 A0 z, sEverything from you is positive
6 g" G' s$ W6 }5 N5 B0 x# uYou blame me everything and everyday
/ ]4 X' Y9 [; e. O5 HAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
6 {. A  q/ _) |6 H, dEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

" ~+ }- E4 O/ |you are deeply in love
0 [8 s- H4 ~4 m0 {! l7 S$ z3 VEverything from me is negative
3 @5 f; d! w' }% G5 ?* R"My man should be like this,
' l/ N; c5 c' A5 d3 Vand I am helping you to improve'

3 Y( m3 P9 p4 \You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
. U! O5 d% M6 ?My mind is like a mud
# P& f+ }% I6 g; r  Q7 J! Q) xcan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
. h& {' w1 b! ]3 Iand I am seriously hurt
+ f( [4 i8 N; d! }& q% ?9 g
I will never love another
" t. W$ ?1 S) {; w' d: nIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

; s/ I) }! y# W: W2 L  g咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: i  u8 b$ ^" \  t1 O8 mAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
9 o# _$ {  B4 x5 W* r) H' l* q+ o$ b4 Cwith the simles.
7 Z( b2 B2 H% O- l" t! WI fell in love with you
# h" u2 t' @: j, ^3 ^8 [In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

1 W5 a9 i+ j9 m9 V: DYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
: P+ o9 M. @, D+ M- E; b, Y6 f6 h# |And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% C% y% }; G- i: Y* P* i9 J" O& L
* s) ~$ h9 a4 C& W1 l5 {( N9 C1 mI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
$ a1 {, T, Z; Z# P3 O/ Ealthough You r so picky for me
( _: G5 R4 [8 h/ _1 ]And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- f" C* K) f9 I; B5 X4 mBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

* E4 `7 }: `! A+ p5 K, @6 Y6 I
( O. _/ J9 I' S1 u8 a# ^His hello is the end of her endings
2 @3 p% g7 }  T+ wHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
0 ?+ a! f! e  S1 s: kHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
) C# V! Z" V$ a5 WAnd his answer is
9 z5 F) G; h2 V3 \. U' y) HI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
+ h6 A# B4 Q8 p% C7 q  J: O
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
$ t1 d" W4 Z) P: s( R' H+ fI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
9 \/ b3 S0 X, e* y+ ~! f& uI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 J/ ^& P/ |" S. d0 U你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
" ^9 K6 X# J& k阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
3 T- y. M9 h1 x- b$ f* |你让我脸发热
& x8 L: W2 K3 Z0 e3 }$ s我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% C% P" o, t; r不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

: x  V" q; P1 _$ N" q( s如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
% e: e6 J) c" m% K阿,我爱你
' S; H; c' ?# U! b0 [5 l你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
2 I  t7 a8 l+ C. ?+ \2 y我爱上你的大嘴唇
% P' d' |7 C9 a  b) {7 VXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
2 i. R) ~/ e9 _/ `( I# X: M

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。