我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
0 Z+ g' c# X) p2 V) @4 a
9 r+ s) Y+ j, {: C4 ]I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
4 S: p! `6 Z1 b9 j2 w
You have charm, you have looks
& s' _' I+ a4 o& d8 u, j5 ^with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
5 Q9 c3 V' W+ c4 e2 a% ~They are shining stars
! n2 {* l* n, P/ b9 u3 m" n- u
; s# D4 g' G/ Q& D* wYour lip is so big
4 Z- t. M% z4 W$ {+ ?2 P$ I8 ^And that’s good for a kiss
+ j) I/ {% e4 j1 VYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

+ k4 E5 }9 \4 n- S; C2 L. CI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
, h! e3 ?4 u" N0 N8 Y0 ?You blame me everything and everyday
+ ]4 i" U* r4 E+ Q; u# @And I think all girls sound like
8 b) g! Z) X0 P: T! a1 K& A" I
0 y7 k, Q- W0 l" ^, o6 `. }: {* KYou could not stand my eating
. x2 f) n$ a, L8 B/ K& j  m1 YSaying no good for making funny sound
- I) W$ N4 H7 [3 q( [3 b- q$ iI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
" n7 z! P2 ]' G) M7 W" D
I fell in love with you
7 F' k) e- V6 u( P! I/ SBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
6 |0 l& s, Q" K- s3 OAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
8 U' V3 z0 S- nEverything from me is negative
! l# P9 g4 h, u"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
2 B9 `& ]: q8 T6 g8 q* Z& A& ^
You are loving me
" V0 [% H# u4 V1 ^. s, ^1 ~or that one in your mind?
# R! }0 t1 @, pMy mind is like a mud
3 y, {- L2 j. r$ l3 bcan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
7 q5 i1 _0 F& |1 @- B; y/ LIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

. O2 q3 Y6 r( jI will never love another
9 Y- q, Z( C0 |; F% O8 VIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ I, M0 H  w; {9 v3 l% \咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
9 K9 g3 A3 u# j9 L7 Q0 v/ ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
, v8 a! c4 Y4 l. N% [8 aAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
9 I  |/ D5 J4 z: J7 Dwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
$ o8 ]! \0 n# v7 wAs spotting sky at a summer

' E. q6 P0 R6 W6 |4 R0 R. aYour lip is so soft
, ~% S& @4 {$ }' Ythere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
) i9 ^  P* c' L- R4 ^. x( lAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 b$ k' R1 \8 ^% v) s5 Z* k3 x
I am deeply in love
  i+ ]) k$ |( w0 V, A9 I8 FEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
! v/ \* i7 F  ^, bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 v  S* I) E9 v, ~But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

) E+ P. _! Q$ R2 s6 T# X, W
His hello is the end of her endings
$ b! h; s1 `1 L* l) KHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
0 F8 z5 d% i" W5 q9 m* U  `His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
4 \+ J# v% R4 C7 iHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
$ X2 v: n/ C1 O5 c# h5 d  f7 UAnd his answer is
- b6 V7 Q# b' E  O6 w% aI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
5 K9 Q7 ~: a7 r$ J9 M; P) p
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

. L. T5 l/ @* f8 t' h) _It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
. a) i2 M3 I4 f- {7 K; PMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
( j5 t, f' s* Z4 J, @Holy Jesus, you were so cute
' `/ ?; F6 X2 S4 G9 o
! }. ]' X: C. b) i' v8 {* q0 kYou left me without a word
, S! Q; R5 e1 l2 A$ v8 t, ?2 E& OI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
+ R* o6 G& ^7 W1 SHow could it be dispersed?

! m% E: P3 N8 p3 OFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
& Z  U1 H4 f; _+ z- T8 sIn the depth of my soul
9 f8 W% m" D. [, _5 QI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
8 N" ~; @1 z4 d# b! ?4 o4 x4 N/ r你让我脸发热
& o, p6 r) F3 x. T8 t我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ Z6 u: ^8 K  Z; r! e& t/ V+ j4 t* f7 W闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 L& F; Z- s( b/ n$ S你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 q0 S  h! q3 i- x6 v' A' u2 O就和用中文写一次
8 h* A' |2 x" X  a( `8 b. ^阿,我爱你
5 x* V4 _( l; v" ~* _你让我心跳好快
. A$ ~/ J/ ?+ f, O0 U你让我脸发热
$ {* o- W6 D/ s$ w" `9 T我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
' ]4 S% v- ]; P* I; [不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 g. E) F+ z1 v8 y+ k& m
- A( `# |1 J: |0 N0 V靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。