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Dress Code: M# q% T" o6 t. _
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
v) }5 j. c; P9 {( U8 N7 V& ]2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
" ]* w5 R. Z' `6 I3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- `; n1 `- `0 D2 }" D9 L4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. - x8 r7 y4 E9 N; y
* T. O: d0 ]9 ~7 I* z# L8 ?9 gSick Days:
2 p( v/ n0 Y( H& e6 HWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. ! j/ C& @8 S; J" V
0 N8 F* b5 D; d9 jPersonal Days:
+ Z( k9 R- V' s; NEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
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Bereavement Leave: 6 r, l) k- u1 i7 n
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. ! B: d# v1 D: {9 w. V2 z
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
$ b2 `% ^7 D4 f/ X$ v3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. 9 ` G, G. K( Y
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. s" i+ s! l6 w7 q5 b1 J
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Bathroom Breaks: # j, V5 n, J' z$ S* i! [
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 4 D+ f7 v2 j+ H/ x% A) J1 v
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
5 P+ S; G# g8 j# t2 g( K) g3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
9 W: n0 }8 q) M) V& l0 i4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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Lunch Break: ' |0 f. `* y8 s1 \; V+ g
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. 8 ^6 j5 A$ x7 r, t# M: l7 Q1 T
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. " K3 z5 ]9 _: j9 y2 `! Z
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
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9 ?7 y& @& s7 ^! C4 H7 r: ]$ vThank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 5 D7 ~- i3 o* [
+ l. Y: e" C! \5 UThe Management . i2 e P" P4 {: w9 y) f
5 l) H$ w" L0 Y qPass this on to all who are employed. |
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