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Dress Code:
9 }$ v) p2 l9 }. B( _9 u! e1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. - D7 q' \0 S \4 J, u9 S8 Q; V
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
% i3 B3 S( U" n! J% i, V3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
: p9 D; A- x; }, b4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. ) H" t) }' J5 R. M! C/ Z$ I
9 ^# Y; [# H& f5 r7 ~Sick Days:
2 z9 a3 o* ]7 j7 Y# G6 W4 g2 `; V- u! PWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 3 Z7 d6 J `- M" `" S5 K
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Personal Days: ; s# ?7 W) Q6 d5 O0 G! K' ]
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 2 d7 R1 V" F+ B3 d
2 A! D$ q l" p7 H2 n+ y, JBereavement Leave: ' U4 d/ f" w4 u- d# c* E& e; o, J
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
$ o: Q# L9 I1 B2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.
. x' M8 u) J! o% b3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. , `7 U/ c6 K* ], \3 f; h* t1 W
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 3 K1 _1 K# |# t1 p! D- R7 d
Z9 c$ n( K% i" MBathroom Breaks:
: j; D) `- \6 W1 {2 \1 _1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
\& }0 {/ z* `9 K. Q8 }2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. - Z2 \1 _3 n9 ^# t" I( g, k( {
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
/ [' F0 G/ B9 K6 C4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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Lunch Break: ) a/ [8 i6 i% b% {
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
' A% W" f( r7 @& Z6 P2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. , U1 c+ o- y9 u5 F j
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. $ F+ |/ Z+ @" N$ O
* j5 p5 d) f2 N' f" pThank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 0 A6 {( j" h/ D* J; o! t4 ^
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The Management
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0 E5 p9 G) N' E" p( pPass this on to all who are employed. |
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