WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
$ c/ `% r9 B7 Q
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
4 D  I9 }2 Q# T' t# Cam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# A, Q) e" C. c7 Z' M8 F% W; L/ \years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

8 ?  ^, s0 @1 V" WMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
- q1 E) {4 L. y0 W, gencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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6 D3 {& R8 E8 }$ o  AStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
. Y: G# ^' Z( Z; J- v6 Oworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
0 _- A4 g4 M2 d: c6 ~/ Geyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
0 b3 n7 x4 w" B6 C. Ithat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
) G/ b4 ~* V3 Z0 t$ ?6 Iwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
$ K# [% i! ]/ O  w; i9 Pwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
) ?& p$ P6 N% r$ k4 y/ EI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
6 t7 M  `! o  Y* i9 {* Yall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

3 S' B. c% t* x- f' i# nWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- X! S' v- T: y  w* a+ V, ]/ [1 rthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
( [3 k- ]  |' G: C; r- Da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
4 q1 d- l; l$ A( I, U! j& dsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
% W+ F& Y0 H- qbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
6 @/ X$ `& `. A* d9 G. bearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
' n. x, I& W2 sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! g" X( V3 A" M$ U4 S9 ]) sBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
0 a; m0 E! Y7 C7 S1 Ftold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
/ K- T5 }1 w# r* |5 x( yBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 @, ~% K. A0 I, N# F1 H$ h! Iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
6 {1 e" i; K$ E  W4 V3 Atook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! G6 S) `7 J9 Z4 K0 Y* n8 A: qmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
0 x# }: a) V: o! fI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
; g" p3 d) |  o6 r4 xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 V' p# ~1 e" J1 p1 l1 f+ a: Danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
) d& e5 q7 _; s% icould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
  H( o' i: C1 Y1 e* C! m) y" q0 _teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' I5 b1 C+ [% }* E$ v5 V1 wor the choir director?
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- r, Z2 P9 a, N7 _SATURDAY:
( X, }' T3 [( Z8 Z/ M  FBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
: G8 t0 Q6 g9 A* d7 V/ H( v% Kmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ H) q7 J7 R  A9 [' Mstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
) h- ?. D9 I, O& D& }hours of the Weather Channel.

- B+ T/ K. I# D3 zSUNDAY:
2 c' |4 i8 t: ^7 DI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 c4 G( }* t: Q* a; ]# Yand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. f7 n7 E0 Q/ u5 U6 zmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.