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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 o0 b0 n2 r; l2 b7 x. p8 ?wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
' o9 v' v( W/ a' L- Linto a regular workout routine.
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% G6 I M& ]- x' F1 R: n! CDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a' ~: x2 t" b3 c+ c2 |
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I3 }/ d+ k! w' M* }% ?- \4 b
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; U' D' Q* G) T( byears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 T" m9 j# y: K, itry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer3 V9 j( g) s! K
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics& h& D. D; {% c7 j6 A
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.3 N9 D `& _0 ]- ~
9 \* h* W9 E9 n$ gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
R, y( m) Q0 n% I3 |* Jencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.; O1 F: `; z9 X/ m
% B* ^. G* v4 G- N0 L4 tMONDAY: i- l3 K! `; P) p; Y, C
7 j8 H+ _; Y1 [3 TStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well/ F, y' B( d1 F4 {
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for2 D3 t2 H# ` b# D( D+ O
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing' S7 L6 W1 p. ~- R
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
6 P: r/ M# R) ]* f: O- athat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her3 ] u0 V/ ~( l+ h" P, T
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in& [) x7 q4 r$ x/ f9 K9 i
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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. \5 {0 t3 @) A- pVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
3 F+ Q% A. B% X% N! b) L7 n: ~# {although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she+ q" X3 h+ w: N# j: O9 b
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!1 G: ~7 E3 X- {: Q
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TUESDAY:
1 W4 \5 b0 E9 ]4 y' OI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.6 e' P8 ]; c. Q# z, p6 L* a6 }
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,# M4 j! C( j3 u+ T
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
% ^- U c1 c. S& ]0 z: v' \6 Ttreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it1 J/ n+ t$ T) L$ f$ }) L
all worthwhile.
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. M' |: k3 b% o1 HI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:5 z: R5 k2 `, r1 w3 L4 T
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on" B5 t& f" G6 E, C+ g
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ^7 S l" ^9 [* ?
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to, w' u) D" J a, S. x
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams$ c" A" S. X, F+ m, W O% K* {
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
* B3 l9 R c* Y; L( i0 Q$ J/ S$ Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine% t% e7 ~* ^6 L3 S
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so( j' u S6 A$ U
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a5 O! ^* u/ M, X
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda, ?8 E J8 ~/ k* J
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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3 v7 X9 V6 ]! U1 N! v( h3 RShe said some other shit too.+ t6 k) i/ b0 {& S+ `
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THURSDAY:6 L. }4 @+ Z/ v) n
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 |$ m2 J$ u' q* w; Xher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
: M, u/ {8 ?1 }: g# |/ ], I' i; ^being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 H5 n! H' a, H x* h/ ktook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and5 K5 [8 a3 O+ j3 M2 n# C5 R( d
hid in the men's room.- I5 F$ R' Q! T! f2 |1 t
+ N" U2 k: _% L( K9 \4 cShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
) e6 ?9 X* T2 R1 imachine -- which I sank.7 X0 O1 T$ n2 }2 v4 ~
7 C1 \4 g& D' M( B1 DFRIDAY:" \" r0 T6 u) U1 ]7 w( H `
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated8 w( J( h! X4 V4 D" v7 q/ ]
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
: H; X3 B, X: h i1 B/ b0 q Fanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
' ^/ l# c- q& {/ Bcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda& p' W5 r( \4 `0 F Z
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!/ J q& W# \& Z& }2 `' e7 F
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
' `. V# {1 e! m% u F! z) r) D$ }1 P4 Othe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.9 L: s. ~* J) S4 }, ^7 M. ^- c
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
. v( j9 `! s8 vteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach9 G. r9 H. e% {6 m
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:: a* p& ]2 l. f+ a! G
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating," }6 Q& ? X6 F0 Q* J4 T! g3 i# x
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
( X2 b. Q3 J4 g% |' A0 x1 Tmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
$ R0 e8 `* x# ^, j! Sstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
( F" ^: M X4 B, Rhours of the Weather Channel.) i9 @- j0 }! m
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SUNDAY:
1 W8 W5 [7 e. |8 mI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
1 b7 ^2 f- k% k$ sand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
( F3 m( ]8 f" @* V* a3 X! [my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like# ?# E: ]) I p. ^" T% n1 f l# @
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
