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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something# e9 r; j* k+ E& t% @- r0 E. m" p
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get# ]- ]/ O& m8 W: \
into a regular workout routine., |7 j, S- ~' P
7 Q6 J" @# B$ K5 KDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a6 C: U2 d# c4 j5 p& z6 Y# Z
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
5 \0 U4 t" j9 O$ e; p* a) E! aam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
/ x0 k j' K- fyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a0 a& T1 z, n2 g5 ^3 O1 W
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer! l1 B& a9 G% ]' @3 G+ r; S* u
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
. `% L' L0 Y7 zinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club3 b# V& F! g8 r5 e1 O
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.& t; W8 r5 }1 Y8 c0 r
! R3 g: k) F8 P1 m- LMONDAY:. _3 ]3 \3 @; S4 A, b
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well1 Y$ c3 Q$ m3 b( x/ j U
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
! N1 P9 ]! o8 sme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
4 l' M# r6 m5 ?eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!5 s8 a4 N0 Z8 O" x: P" V' N. o% i0 r
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
7 X4 Y9 u4 I) E" f. J5 C% Z3 Ethat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ f9 w! m# D( t, K3 zin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in( i+ b) m; r, q6 L
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.2 C0 C8 w* k/ |
2 {. e5 L3 F( U5 T2 UVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
" q9 J3 I2 i( Z1 jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she3 f! z$ r# x. k3 y9 K/ F0 R
was around.+ G: |; ]; \3 \1 w
: o0 p' a. i- n6 l: XThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!, e* v2 `' n8 a' u; A7 F0 Q
0 |7 I1 F" L+ Z) [TUESDAY:
4 `( p( c/ S1 C' L; {I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.9 M; t3 ^! T% [# l
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
3 a6 y8 S8 w( |and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the: _5 C+ H/ b+ i4 C, z/ J% N' x% a1 |
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it! }% P2 I' D8 ?. M& p9 B8 q3 r2 U- I
all worthwhile.
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* B& W n0 j( ]: h) {I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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) R4 |: P9 I6 D+ G5 LWEDNESDAY:5 E( E/ N( m( h
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on* ]6 T1 ?% m% c' ]& Q* L
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 }, b2 h0 W) C4 p2 qa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to4 d# \& d2 n$ a/ ~( g0 W/ K5 A
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 C T. j& T7 J$ \; rbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for6 a1 l) G" _( T1 {! g. x
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine" K/ E; [" ]5 j0 m
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so% G' K* U, f- ~! R
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
! @, M- Q2 T) q* m; Q# G+ E; pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
) Y3 n0 V/ L G3 Itold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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$ q7 e, i% C0 n+ R' n, gShe said some other shit too.7 M# f7 k- x3 W4 O3 P+ e& S1 w6 k
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THURSDAY: j$ M& Z; T6 U: ^+ t
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
2 o7 ~0 `7 L6 r. |; H1 Jher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help. T: U3 M% o2 c$ k- o- c
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda2 E/ K# [1 X0 J
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
" m* i9 r- B* t1 b k1 rhid in the men's room.2 b; b7 h! ^- Y3 t$ y( |7 g
0 E) E* D' j( Q# w& ?She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
) m/ n! L9 u# D0 C4 cmachine -- which I sank.
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1 |+ j+ f ?( ^/ P( ~FRIDAY:# [) p) H* M+ P B
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
, m$ y: V L( v9 _, i8 b9 Nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny," y7 ~, q$ k" z; ]4 [
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 b s; a6 ^; a7 L7 L4 J ocould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda9 l, Z4 L; t3 d( W7 b! o) }& N
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me9 }0 s5 a) O2 ?+ o r- `
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition$ _) ]: I$ h7 L4 z
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach' l# H2 w, @( H% X; h7 {. [ Y
or the choir director?9 x: n& f+ D* a+ s" _
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SATURDAY:
' L1 Q+ @+ G7 @" Q/ u0 i( pBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,4 K) [4 J, f% S; ^# B6 Q. H
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her. w' U9 X: y0 z) i+ Y$ U* a g
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
9 j# g: o( h- U3 j% d Cstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
+ F* a6 ~- U/ [1 e+ Q5 G0 Ghours of the Weather Channel.( r4 P6 x2 h6 S. u$ y5 U
- y0 k) W# m( c. x+ `/ [2 _SUNDAY:
# f y( H$ k, U: O, jI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go2 @% h2 G T* t6 a/ D( L4 r
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year," G c0 U S# }- A+ Z
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like, t# [/ {& N2 F$ H" Q" H
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
