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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 `" ?* X: D3 Q5 J: O" R6 Twrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get9 ?# p2 F' Z* T) {* g" J
into a regular workout routine.9 E4 ^ G; H$ N) }
7 O$ G9 ]1 @+ W# uDear Diary:" H! m) L: u+ [0 q- N7 y
# u2 P7 d6 H3 c. d: yFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
+ [- K& m: H2 H; A) U \week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
) ^* F9 O9 t9 y8 I: L7 n7 \. lam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
+ E9 e+ |' A* R; n6 B/ B3 Z* a9 Hyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a" X" F- V. ], |) ~# o
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
2 A; N" ~* z: q/ Q( z! m0 Mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics$ e/ g' b% E( l' e% b. M
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.3 m; _# r8 W8 j, [7 p" e$ g- d( N
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& r' L, b- _! ~/ aencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.- k' |+ T5 C1 Y" ~" U4 j |
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MONDAY:
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2 K0 j0 \! ?/ ?& RStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
0 i) C- m' D: hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for3 v: ~' G6 E/ a3 X* M7 s4 j
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing) C6 O8 t9 j+ P5 b6 e2 q* K% s
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed6 d% Q# Q5 b8 x$ u
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her$ i+ m& h' y0 s- L5 \
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in. Y# U( R) p5 a
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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6 t* F1 Z' j# LVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,5 M( ]# i' N, W/ @5 }3 n
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
* Q$ R' A( q" i( i5 ewas around.! J6 O& [0 }/ \& i! m+ B
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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3 }' R( v$ _9 a4 MTUESDAY:
8 ]& n. R. u- c+ @, \6 tI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door., @' ~" P: ~3 S9 V4 y1 C
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
" z. K" W2 |& ^5 |0 ?* [/ Sand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the1 g% |7 ]: A. F2 I% ~
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
$ h i5 G1 ?" ^! d" y; J, Vall worthwhile.
( {4 x& ?1 |$ V* d
& a8 M- m- T9 G Y" tI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:: q u3 O1 u$ K& k! W. }! N; S
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
# V9 a( s- @ `: |the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ I( q; }- @2 E) P- X# b7 j U
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
/ B8 w' ~) X( [4 a/ b: e* Z3 [% U# gsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams1 {4 W7 K% ]" m( y, ~
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
/ ~8 K m9 D# X$ `+ vearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
. c6 U# c! W; i8 e1 z# Sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
0 m, n9 H8 }0 H1 P0 FBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a+ ?) Z K& l: Z
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
5 l) K) _8 Q3 f( H7 N% o: s2 A' otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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0 o2 m1 o$ I0 {. K% oTHURSDAY:
9 J4 B$ U. h8 h. z- F# Y$ J7 {Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% H- {, M, P4 rher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
7 L1 e" e# V; d8 Y7 Wbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
" ` A$ g: g( W2 Q9 |9 @took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and0 x; L" V8 D7 |( e0 B) D
hid in the men's room./ R* j" D# S' X/ Y) J, V7 p Y
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing, ?; |3 `% z* N
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:6 a9 D9 Q% r, ]# |& y6 Q5 z
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
$ w8 f+ Y' V7 kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,: W9 `5 ~& L7 l
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I8 O& P0 U7 u& D: X& A* z& t
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 p6 v; ~/ E- @2 {/ s: B0 d$ Iwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!% s+ M6 p4 n# I6 n+ M$ G ]
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
; R, Z6 Z3 m+ ~' w5 Sthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich." p: C! r( d' O% l+ N- G
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
# J% g2 M! p& [; `7 Vteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach! [% D* d K% Q1 V
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:: p, W4 k, P# v) j- F
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
5 }# U$ p( U1 Z! } Rshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
V$ U1 u0 P2 D1 _3 l0 H Tmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
1 L; t+ m, `1 u# ~6 P, I' R' \strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 D* A! w" h$ n1 E$ a- qhours of the Weather Channel.2 T) i/ S5 ~7 T5 A! H
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SUNDAY:( ^( a0 |! Q* E' h
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
" r( E: M" i/ U' C+ }4 o% Vand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
4 c; s3 j' @' Gmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 R& T/ C: a& U- X' E5 F
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
