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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something) l, g# q% Y4 i4 [- f6 D2 U
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
/ I) R1 ?6 N, @into a regular workout routine.
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# b e5 ^9 a, } V# PDear Diary:1 l( X9 c4 p3 Z1 f: M( C
7 P( y% A9 [' t+ @. XFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
) e& y2 u! ]; W+ `* tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
9 T2 u( D: W! P) l$ q0 ^. fam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" R8 {. [! d8 ^ |: Z0 z8 Myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
9 h, Z' Z2 a! D+ `! Htry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
# J9 A6 {1 s& Y j4 g; G; ?named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics$ |) v, h+ B) Y% m
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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/ [% F$ m: a3 L7 X ~! Z. ]My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
0 q/ n, Y9 P$ i: eencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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- ~; s. n6 M4 N' XMONDAY:/ S) N9 o$ R* X2 P& _
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well+ J& v ^) {0 M# V
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for( H0 h" f4 M+ m% L
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
# ^0 @- p& z& y9 @eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; b" J+ M) i+ o( D1 D+ p
" e4 [7 r9 [" b2 B0 W0 ~She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed- G$ g, s! Z$ [/ E* F
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her+ P8 r9 N2 ]1 L1 J
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in L7 ~4 d+ I: Y
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.& A/ R( P5 t& d: U) T
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& ?3 Z- G8 j) ^although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
$ f$ g. E8 ^, `/ Fwas around.
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; Y0 X( W0 t" K2 |8 V7 gThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:! B: R7 D( X8 C- k6 x4 f
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
! E4 {2 ~2 P, f8 Q M3 gBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
0 z# q1 R! B/ pand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
' {7 A# o* z' |0 p) G5 H0 {treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
$ C! H6 `) D: Z, V( o& J nall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.2 l j G, \& r1 L$ y8 U3 C
4 H8 t4 b" N( o" }% @WEDNESDAY:5 a* Y, Q6 T }2 G# _ @9 n
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 w! f9 l5 J$ b2 e# Ethe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 p% E) F: M: ^& g3 U! j. s* Ka hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
; G4 i3 K/ q d% {& U$ asteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! T) y7 D6 l. l% ^6 Xbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
- ?: t- i& r6 i, q, B. k, ~) \early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine9 p' k" H: N) r' l: c& B
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so9 b8 p% `; e2 j
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 K8 I/ D0 g- Z* l( X8 omachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
6 E8 x! {# _# o% J5 {1 p+ h, [told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life." t! U* g9 H+ V
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:7 r6 b& b6 [6 E5 l9 I7 ?4 J' S
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* k9 Z" X- f* R* Y3 E9 Iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
w; E# o8 A& `* ?3 lbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda. Q9 i6 a6 T' e+ ]7 ^9 }
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ Q" U7 b# ^. W' Shid in the men's room.- o ^2 c( F# i
2 R: A/ Y, C `# S2 v3 }She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! P3 I7 L6 B" g; h, G Dmachine -- which I sank.1 ?% C' J' o) Q8 `. O
4 y R( w: k1 K" b: |3 dFRIDAY:+ s3 [+ `) H% P9 h% m! E
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated& v- n+ c) V% }8 `, O
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
, }1 `. U/ c8 y" i q' Oanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I, v! F' Y! {5 w( n0 Z8 b1 u- F7 z
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda. a( Q6 c$ P1 g
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!# t. l9 ?# s6 @& V7 O6 y
3 @4 `; o- z- P$ h: e' zAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me5 x/ W1 A2 f/ j- ~/ k! c& l J
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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, I7 }4 d+ j# c8 @: lThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 I, u0 B6 O6 _ r6 w3 `$ jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
( f) `' c1 }: _* ~7 jor the choir director?% S) d4 x8 U2 T6 R" I7 ?4 A: H w
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SATURDAY:
% V7 I0 [" }! `* R. H% d2 oBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
7 n8 R W+ N; [* hshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her3 U9 Z [: i5 E4 k1 H9 Y& r. M" S
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ \2 ~* X- G+ y0 i4 Xstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
! p" X$ ` R% rhours of the Weather Channel.
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- R5 W \( e1 ~* w' iSUNDAY:" T" }# B, W1 w! f
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go( J* ]5 e6 C& T+ z- z, n7 Q
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
" V: ~8 b; x D& T) u. ^" }my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like* ^& P; \" R# i" T
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
