WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
' R+ b2 e2 g1 h$ X% Minto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
- W" }3 ?) i$ b/ y" W, wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' U' y+ l- C. d8 I+ btry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
+ C6 T) I1 H: F) l, t- T& tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

# `- ]+ A1 {; y2 u' ^' k8 m! \+ TMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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) g: `& o  K- r) T+ m# N" RMONDAY:

! s! E8 o1 H% k$ l; \$ C( Y& kStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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& A# L, P4 ^& y6 Q! mVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
9 V) I' V- f. Zwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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0 _0 {. L+ U% o7 {0 A$ S$ ^TUESDAY:
( Z; T/ u  s5 }6 S% z) kI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
6 c; x! g$ z. I  ]Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
# n5 z8 A0 }7 P: J) b7 e$ n1 @and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
# }! s  r$ {: k0 i5 Otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
% n. H* }" S) U, ]7 J* @$ Jall worthwhile.
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4 E8 }6 M# V7 I3 [& n# f' cI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
( |% S5 f: V8 ]0 I9 xthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
% L3 V0 S1 h. V6 Qa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
' ]9 x/ @& E# w5 P& f- pbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
, y* r( Z0 r, j7 k: O$ a6 V5 P* |! VBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
$ ?- y2 k0 F4 C% d! U! V" UBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 T$ M5 ?# a/ w. T/ n: Nher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
! A. i: S0 r; x. p% M3 Gbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( G. Y2 j7 k( m, V3 _; X- Stook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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& Y2 \$ t8 L7 L# d* z% u/ HFRIDAY:
! l5 Z1 Q* ~3 l9 ^( y) aI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) p' X' P; j8 Sany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
, ~' D: V& r8 r8 U0 U% t2 }anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

7 [& T2 d8 ?8 y3 Z! C0 N) L$ }And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
2 ?0 _! T) h% lthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

3 @( V/ |0 `* u, v, sThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
1 N, k0 F) _$ R6 m4 c0 k( fteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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  M/ @) S5 N6 m, C6 c: QSATURDAY:
) O) L4 }. t% q7 s7 V. A) iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
/ b2 F; ?! a- b7 D) R, E# [shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
0 h9 v  v  g- w6 P/ vmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
% B8 u3 ]+ P  g, i) Y( v! zI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
5 L- A' \7 h/ |+ G: a% ~& d4 b  x' `and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.