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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something8 F) C8 P& q# d# T* T( u
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get% ?: v% I! S- O" h# p
into a regular workout routine.( \9 s5 l8 H; D2 `- A- p, ^
9 W, C" X$ M9 U
Dear Diary:: u1 N- {( h6 I
- M% c6 h3 z2 j; lFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
: a6 P2 T- Y2 \" p6 ?) m4 Kweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I) p+ W2 b; q4 [ w L$ }1 U3 [
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25- X$ C4 g" i7 Z4 T5 Y: e% M2 T
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a; F. i! k7 I4 U8 L
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer2 A1 }$ V7 U% o* D& W! v8 ~- H
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics% D$ ~2 m I4 K% o
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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3 f. r3 ^2 w$ U3 S$ u2 x( O0 LMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
* B1 D: ^! |& H' ~2 eencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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" m7 k8 g" g' I4 W/ Z2 sMONDAY:
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8 V+ J5 J% H7 QStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well4 w% B. c0 V, v, w+ o# ~$ Z! }
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for# r0 Z; c9 ~. K8 \7 u; Z
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
* o1 }! j! n3 e9 yeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed% U2 H/ I9 I$ K ~' @$ o
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
1 d* Y* f l$ Fin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
8 V) m* i; ^6 H$ I0 _9 F8 V- |which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.+ y: `, F0 F8 C$ M
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
0 F& f j( S# galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' a4 H/ z& G: e% n1 c/ a8 Zwas around.; H B: t, g% D
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!4 e1 I9 t: e# |9 [+ u
/ y5 R$ H) m( i1 Z2 |4 E5 E5 jTUESDAY:
8 B, [! h; P$ j k: `% DI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.& A8 k$ Y6 I$ z0 w, g. `& z
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,- B. f* h7 C$ f- W* P
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the/ U. n$ O3 N$ H7 N2 ~
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it* g% }/ [8 m/ |1 d/ p: q
all worthwhile.
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! o! u1 `- m- N1 j+ f, K3 ZI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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9 x& d* E1 n5 N- ]( M& IWEDNESDAY:
; M9 X# @+ w4 D$ a$ W9 ?3 I) B1 [4 n' hThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- q) a! x- \( @the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
5 d) T7 V/ V) T, i6 F1 X6 }a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
5 @3 A0 A$ C- Q" D1 Rsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams% i1 i/ ~; _, L
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
9 [' I5 j/ [- w( g; n0 S* zearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine3 }2 y/ T+ G- b7 |9 v$ U
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
# g" g" e [) [8 OBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
8 s, K4 H. W( w! u; M+ @" T$ m% k; wmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda4 D# b2 [/ [! B8 b* K, f3 [5 I* r
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.6 z$ \; B, P! k1 R1 [
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She said some other shit too.6 j9 l+ F6 t/ u' v6 K( O
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THURSDAY:0 O2 R% E5 V# R! u2 Z! p6 h* q
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
2 Y' f. z) k! K W' Yher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
; {$ w! K' L- Q7 x+ K) Fbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 E: E+ D& f7 b7 l4 S1 qtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
3 s6 I2 r; j4 B/ vhid in the men's room.+ e0 b% O" d1 z1 o/ f. w" o
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! g$ v1 k% e/ ^1 I2 p* X0 r7 V+ g' Hmachine -- which I sank.1 V# Z9 l A# t T4 R6 a
O9 ^7 I1 ^1 I3 U; a$ o6 k
FRIDAY:
0 h; n) `2 `: J/ u4 z0 \* sI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: u0 W+ m% Q* T" t" S! E& Nany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
3 M+ |+ v' t! v; m+ d/ i, t7 b- T9 Xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: b8 b6 I" c6 @/ y" T( hcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda" r1 [. }* G" h' k( Q7 S
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!* w2 ?! J. }1 ?" F
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
# W' A1 J- E3 X: g2 \/ o9 V8 }the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: n" W* B1 A) p) \( {2 y
! p7 j. k" l, }! A/ N% }
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition5 r: c% S( L: f$ Z* Q, }' l: D- m; q
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach5 z% f2 {$ H' y. r5 F3 k
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:' D m) G5 r% P( V( q; z
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
" Y/ u5 E6 ?& @- Y ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her# h; E* p( m+ J d d; V3 T9 s
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the3 P9 C! y4 P& C# l& |, B
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
. R+ O5 z; r! h) x" Zhours of the Weather Channel.- k7 P- {3 K6 B* o% L
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SUNDAY:
9 V" N; X! ^6 M: F0 C& LI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
# ^! q% E5 v) t- z0 w9 ~" k: `# ~and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
: s3 W) f( V) {/ j( ?+ r; z. |4 Imy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
8 G% M+ a9 P( n& D6 m4 ra root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
