WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
& R6 m6 ?5 a  J$ o/ P! ]9 Kwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
4 P) a4 B% S& n6 ?# v8 a7 Y
Dear Diary:
9 M4 s! m5 s0 H0 e* U% ^) y
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 H+ h7 l, b2 T! [8 S- X+ m* tweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
+ u7 @1 I; Z  ~5 d* Yencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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1 I2 U8 T2 C- G' z& s' V0 H2 _7 EMONDAY:

1 G4 a8 |$ r0 H- Z: x" uStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
- H, I& f- q2 o9 C( Z, ]( gworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

6 N4 q8 r1 u. l' ?# Y' v8 ~, V" pVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

4 t$ }- `* M: `% h  sThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* }6 S  i: z2 [1 S+ Fthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
+ Z% e  [; H) H+ N1 la hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
" Y* e) ]  z# P  D& B  _% Vbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
# k4 L) g/ l" r& p3 `( Mearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
7 H5 Y6 e/ r2 b, tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
4 g3 q$ o) d" e; F' u1 e6 t; u/ @8 Ytold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
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4 m) C$ F- [* wTHURSDAY:
4 F# T2 s4 r2 Z1 zBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
3 y1 p# G" q6 Z) ~& Cher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
4 S+ M( q  U3 ^# I$ V8 M1 [being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
- F8 V2 v7 v& H( h- o: K- e! r9 n0 r( ahid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
% C4 Y5 A* S0 Xmachine -- which I sank.

# {1 `% F7 z% a6 O! g1 C/ H" }5 c! FFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
2 y* V! i( b4 pany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ ~  p& u5 P/ z' p1 banemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
" {* Y* q/ j2 ]
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
% x: F  T' ?4 ~1 v* |the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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  \& P6 O& d* y7 qThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
  ^( W2 `" w5 v2 v; jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
: e" ~: }) x, S2 ~- T6 ZBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
8 b8 Z$ U7 L. c4 T. _6 {& Xmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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( M  g! H" Y( r5 T: }SUNDAY:
4 L5 O) R+ g2 d; R" wI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
1 R1 `: O& X# m8 hmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
3 m$ \, j5 A$ I) B: ]a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.