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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something& _3 N5 Z1 U! d8 e
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get( V* h- u U( i/ M! k, p4 n
into a regular workout routine.4 f5 |$ U3 {; C! t& j; `
4 R* \- r* f$ G0 cDear Diary:
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- m* @1 S( ~- d6 TFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
8 Y$ z: }4 t: i% n5 iweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
4 \/ y4 S; ?% m5 m" Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 255 l$ U$ d0 c( M6 k5 w
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a. v0 S; H0 C8 D/ N; a9 U9 A9 C: Z* A* S
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer5 p* N R s# [, _* H! B: M$ @
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
2 H6 I/ z* m. M( j8 Oinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
/ Z$ _: g! @0 b( O- |* d2 lencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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* H9 J j- j/ R( f7 V/ IMONDAY:
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8 ~9 X* T7 ?. I/ J( |Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
" |8 E* o( J0 V' T5 K# ^8 `7 N2 Tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for3 f4 v2 G1 M: i) a4 e
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
9 Q& N" O. I! } S2 L, o$ Aeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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, p$ i( a9 @. S( \She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
! k9 T5 A' _* pthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her" j* _ n ?) U4 ^
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in# ^, \# @3 Y" i! L$ f3 r
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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0 i T1 l+ {- t8 zVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. m( P6 M& S$ ^2 @) k6 N% i( F) |
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. D# N! y1 b+ h' f9 \# }was around.& N0 w+ d8 ]$ H% \: ~/ w
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!; {6 n, j: L5 y, D
* _( a$ p1 Q- @; `7 H. K- Z XTUESDAY:
) ~" M5 q* ?% I- {2 OI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.+ k* u0 a' F O2 j/ X
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
/ ~1 a2 x0 ?! O* c9 @and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
( p4 n- y1 ?& Z6 h( K$ D+ @! Ztreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
S1 a" J+ q0 x" v5 lall worthwhile.' ]$ K K- Y. e" J/ B) {
6 X o+ g' d$ q, [! R: BI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:/ U2 `# X: I0 y
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
2 Y, E: f% z) S# L' C2 @+ H8 xthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ z/ L7 b7 M4 U. z8 Pa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to! T5 k; }6 _# I' f" J- r) c# e# P. ~
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams9 L2 }8 T: }" z _5 ` j4 F
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ t2 d5 G( a- \: C; w2 v7 Gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
! b- y+ E2 Y. G- g3 A6 k* Rthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so S' ^! B. x/ p7 ]6 e, p7 z
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
5 d3 n+ f0 F4 E9 ?5 J; {& v& bmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda: L" e, U q) e' T) ]- L
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.! G, J% K6 j. r: r: |
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She said some other shit too.
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- L3 d7 g8 _" tTHURSDAY:
# h9 I+ v( P: J# \Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
& D# D O/ _# E( wher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help# X& g+ _* r1 O1 [
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' w$ q6 W% a8 A) O% c7 s ]took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
) a1 j1 U% A' n8 i1 {% x9 C9 bhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
2 W& g3 V6 |0 I4 h; A" E: Qmachine -- which I sank.# j$ V7 j5 `9 B. L! q) M8 R
# U3 }* e4 e- Q3 d7 `; ~, `& nFRIDAY:
, r/ V) N3 F6 B/ u& W6 S7 W- rI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated5 v, u" m* @- q% h$ @* ~8 x- c
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny," p# J) g7 x$ L; @: D* U% I, x
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I9 Y) C: }1 D9 ?2 I6 `
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
. C$ d7 I7 n Gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
" W; h" ^! M2 R0 z L/ D$ ]* M7 Q% Sthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.( B* W$ y W. Z/ b$ W; w
7 }% }2 g p, r% Q* q+ D) j% jThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
/ s- j1 Y1 |0 ~" N" M$ g9 lteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
6 E( e8 d R, y# Q$ N) }% [, _or the choir director?& W9 e* j5 [9 ~& M
& z3 V& a: W) [. d* u ESATURDAY:
/ h* w D' S0 e! f% Q- I, DBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
7 V& K9 @* p3 ]! Z4 W: C4 J9 Bshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her! ?; L' n' J! n8 d( d0 |$ O
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the+ h4 ?9 h$ U9 E1 g6 ]" y, T. P
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight/ z+ {: X3 p8 g# Q
hours of the Weather Channel.
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, d( h- N* O$ L- Z- C LSUNDAY:
- X' V y6 H( E! hI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go6 b2 _# _ s: h. z7 P* y
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
! z. ^( {% X4 i2 {! S7 \/ I `* ~my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
* h3 D& ?, u; e" _: A+ a3 La root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
