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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
1 P/ g/ Y1 ]3 q8 U" Y4 nwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get' ?0 n0 z' D3 _8 f% ~! w
into a regular workout routine.
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" M" a+ X# Q9 t9 f" G( i- x8 T: `Dear Diary:, i4 o0 I. H) h0 P7 }( h
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a1 H" K8 p$ X! N# R6 v' C- F
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I8 N6 x- `6 w0 e
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# x* k3 o p$ Z( }" W, dyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a7 e; o2 P8 U4 I" s
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
& N/ w1 R! K% ]1 i; u" r' Y$ Gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
* L% ]1 E- ]& S. n& s) i5 xinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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: E. ]7 v& Q8 h d5 w( }$ EMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
/ [) K3 T4 E& O. t& A+ @, w% {& Mencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.6 U# _( @- L4 H0 i
" j9 k! i4 A% H5 bMONDAY:
' ^$ a2 s' e7 g, \
) N" \1 M' j# U' c. cStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
6 {4 X6 u! Q" o1 H/ uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
7 b3 @' e' M; C) S* z; H! ^" x6 Ime. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! `2 v* o, X8 ~eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
$ ^! L# a9 B! @0 O
, I% l4 c# d* {/ {' w6 gShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
9 M" u ~ c2 P3 j( n5 g/ hthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her+ c$ w5 Q, f+ H( R: \
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 \. ^: w2 ^, i9 [+ n! V" v) xwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
5 J* z# Y' t0 p( Q
0 Q, d+ [# \, ?! p; fVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
9 @; n' X# K9 F% B4 |2 galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she1 l0 j" D7 c( _$ f2 m3 P9 W% ?! k
was around.
: M' D* M+ Y& ~0 @- p Q. P6 ~
4 z) e$ @- |0 C; a) {2 M0 jThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!" A/ t; W* d$ g5 U
, `& @- t4 J+ I" C" R) ~( `TUESDAY:8 H* D0 g& I+ g4 z" R4 {& e2 Y0 d
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
6 I3 {: ]4 x6 L7 A0 d r9 yBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 Q }( u5 h1 r6 x) [and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" _4 \: I; o& P! m3 D! jtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it9 a2 t& f8 P2 m+ F% H" O
all worthwhile.8 Q2 l& B( r5 ]* |
' B& t" Q& b! \I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.1 K# U( H& x7 u# k( N# A! D
7 T, j7 D$ S: \+ p- D* K1 j! T0 YWEDNESDAY:% l* w1 Z, a; r8 T/ }; U
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on0 r8 M3 u+ A$ H, P1 }6 W
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
+ _" a; U- j$ X% ca hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
& ]: j. A& m$ ]. o0 y& Ksteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
& ~2 X& N3 O( W2 o- {( vbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for+ E, S4 ~% e& j; x- p9 K; z
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
1 ?% H. j% i% z$ z* B8 E |that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
( Y/ B: Z0 {, }. P* S8 \Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
: S; t/ o4 a- R D8 w+ E' _+ pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda0 Z, q! ^& U9 D" k; G
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
: d' n+ N$ x5 H# G$ |& Y B) I" }% _
She said some other shit too./ S* m+ Y+ J+ A. a
" a: c5 z# m- S& T L) p% aTHURSDAY:9 s5 K+ e i) ?) q9 z5 D$ Z
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
- |! I8 o/ k) {6 _0 hher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
+ Q7 {8 S" u; M, N! G0 A* g5 U+ ibeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
" q8 p0 |9 r# J- ?% l v; q. btook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
; L- n% f# X0 k+ a$ l2 _hid in the men's room.( }( ^) {1 Q! x9 [1 y( H
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing' z0 r: x& A: `- ?) G9 \2 }; f% P+ k
machine -- which I sank.2 d" G: O1 |, p/ P1 _3 S
3 _% b+ G/ G, j5 A0 J9 Y5 o/ l- p+ n
FRIDAY:
3 _( k J x9 ^+ SI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! J! z9 I) W7 e& @, b2 {5 gany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,+ q2 m* b, x5 Z' \( o
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I# x0 D* l1 D! [4 k1 B, I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
- |3 R4 ~0 T. Z$ T+ ^* c/ I/ Iwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
# J4 u0 i3 j! c6 J4 _( ~' J6 N* A" g, z
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 Q, n+ h2 E. [6 U; c+ F7 Bthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
q: X: m4 w* E6 } |6 ~! B
: _9 t6 Z, A& X$ F; `. f3 U& ^The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 Q! d8 b, ^+ ^9 H4 l6 R; L T
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
# P* E8 `1 [# N# Oor the choir director?6 U- G) H8 E6 T* W
8 w7 j6 C& Z. y3 Q2 rSATURDAY:3 O0 [6 L1 f7 V1 ^7 n9 V
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
3 O F" A% d4 Y9 Ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
5 k" W, |7 Z* J# j# Amade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" g' t/ e _2 Pstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight% G. x4 S% B- B" H: j
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
7 ?/ T9 z! u! r' d% `9 L1 _I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go& m/ i6 O: S B$ {
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
3 r) b; V, {- M+ r) y& W+ qmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
+ Q2 c/ B/ o3 |$ p+ Pa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
