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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 B) ?0 [( ]: g ^& V7 `wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 q) R+ r+ q7 C! a
into a regular workout routine.6 H+ Q7 t3 c* Q0 k! Y, i
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Dear Diary:8 X& L |2 \4 v/ e ?
; W4 p! {- ?+ s% h/ A8 @, L: @ u+ EFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a3 [' \5 e+ v; b, c3 G2 Q! t( E
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
3 i }* L7 H7 z; F) wam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
- {8 m$ {( g. z) `years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
1 E/ ]4 w' n6 \1 ^9 |6 k4 }6 ^try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer0 @, R) G7 d% e$ a- [
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics6 ?8 M# s# l7 p
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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1 N1 b: X6 F, l6 ?1 I, q- rMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club6 @( O& d& Q' [
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:" [* ^1 B" R# \' ?) {
$ y" e8 X- u& c& X4 p. s9 z- rStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well" ?% ~/ z" E0 Z: @% i4 ]
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for3 z1 Z0 Q' I4 T
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing6 |6 v# z) F3 n
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; d0 z+ O4 e0 I9 n
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
5 j' ?! a: Z) l- {4 kthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
! j" `- z h+ fin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
( o* R5 h& u9 W4 ~" u6 j5 {which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
3 i# r7 F7 |0 V, Kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she2 v! T8 v) o4 f- R" v& z
was around.% A+ ?% w+ s6 M
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!4 K6 v; f1 z; Z. E0 j3 |9 k
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TUESDAY:7 P9 n; ^5 g* Y
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.9 |1 V: d! w6 N+ h) y" A4 X/ d7 p
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,8 n( i. `6 r) `8 U
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
7 M' k' |6 q P5 M) O% j% `$ }, J# w- h$ xtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
1 o! ~# b4 `: w v9 V- \ f# h' J9 Gall worthwhile.' K$ u8 P5 |9 ^+ U# ?% O7 h
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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6 }2 p; i: L- b' D" d8 gWEDNESDAY:
. `" e! C4 z9 b) lThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on0 w; F' p# a% ~/ B/ N4 B% R
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have) g( A/ W0 T$ ?" \
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" v, [/ t6 }3 E7 J; b/ asteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* g9 {1 y4 S8 P* u& n7 kbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
2 w r3 C! Y- Uearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
( _2 |7 N6 W% Bthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ w- n5 p# b3 g) j9 V% y+ |8 vBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a1 Z9 t& `4 q# u$ t: [# F5 R) k$ t+ ]
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 j3 m/ h0 d% g8 d5 I/ ptold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.: q) e% A! E! f6 R
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She said some other shit too.
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$ i0 U* _! E7 d. z+ U2 S! L7 hTHURSDAY:
i/ V4 r& Z! V$ X* aBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as* A% W0 y. w1 E; c' h) z; s
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help+ M& V% y7 _+ m$ S7 B
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda: w& G" {# I, d- w% n
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and/ p& P- v% x T% t
hid in the men's room.
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5 o+ K) k5 \) m( CShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
2 G/ `' | R% Y2 i+ Qmachine -- which I sank.- h5 y. a, H, x
* I |. O7 v( F3 r$ Z' D- TFRIDAY:' @/ M% R$ h9 l0 Y1 {( { V
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated: {/ Z! r- x( G+ K; j
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
: ]# K T2 n+ e" l* z: h; I% f( Qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I* [0 v% Q" d8 \4 M `
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' V; ~8 e, H9 s: d# L' _2 V% uwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!" [1 h* J0 I. k/ B" {, i( z
+ J5 ~1 M' R5 L' h' Y `And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me. m* ?( E# v0 L: ^
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.( n4 i' k, }; ~9 \7 A- |& d) C
1 r0 G* \" y3 J5 a- c2 ~The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition7 b- u# j, T( O( Q/ N- O2 S
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach! w4 y8 N% n! T; J5 F' {* K
or the choir director?) I5 M7 c9 \: d8 W
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SATURDAY:
7 \3 B- m7 [/ j, E8 R1 U, ]Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,& a0 _: N8 S8 F$ m
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her) `" @" q# f# _% Q
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
2 I8 r0 w0 |1 k, E* }/ E+ [# R zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight: c2 ]+ m n1 B4 R0 H
hours of the Weather Channel.
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* X7 R: p/ N9 A* M5 G- R; sSUNDAY:' [: e8 o$ g0 }, b- |
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- } O. h! l. M% mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 k d2 G( U: Lmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 \- K5 r7 z1 t5 x/ M8 i
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
