Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

% m$ l. B  z/ L& }% B( C" Q/ fThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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( [) M5 v' ^5 L7 N1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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. c" c* P! h- R8 d/ E2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

- j% @  N# @  `" ]4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

$ M- d1 J% {1 Z8 n! T  F* Y7 g0 Y6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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0 j2 x+ u* H) q: Z1 x, j7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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0 H5 C/ B" C, j" c( M3 E1 a12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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$ \# V1 k$ V; t+ Z. l15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.