Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

' w+ S. `1 b3 H2 Y  F8 JThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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* `4 ~# x% l6 l4 T8 k) A1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

# C" C3 }8 w+ A1 Y3 V" x: q2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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$ F& {) [2 _" M) z9 o" }" r- e3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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7 T4 b9 n$ v/ X6 ~" T6 M& S4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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# p7 \# m$ w# z10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

# \. J1 B' e( ^. y5 Z11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

/ b4 O* ?+ Q+ E5 M: B3 D: b) S( B+ L12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

( P, f8 K" w; u; W5 n6 z, b15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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6 Z) M$ J- _! o2 P1 @4 g% n16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.