Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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3 v7 }# u7 c6 _) _7 U, w1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

9 ]. r' ?! \; p$ f3 D! V2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

1 o0 x. R. D1 |- V# V+ }! H% X% X/ L5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

( k1 D* s  k; x& k5 g2 d$ w! O6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

6 a( v* X" _& i( x5 f0 x6 b) C7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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; @& k% d; C' e- F) V5 c* F5 z9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

& @* [6 [6 O1 y3 G2 D10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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7 u3 ^- o7 h" h  m  M& h5 q7 ?11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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0 L( O7 F1 x" g/ ?% Z( k- e" N/ h" @. o12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

! r- w4 u$ f. w; t& u13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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/ ]0 c9 Q% L  \* c0 R4 w. F2 a14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

' l& K% y) p7 s/ l8 _16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.