Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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; F! Y- R, s# n! k7 l3 yThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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6 |2 p+ [+ Q2 V+ J* ^1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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" E9 f& y  j+ s; M3 T9 A1 h2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

7 L0 z+ @9 v/ N" u" a1 f7 c4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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, i3 F; a/ h# ^9 |: h5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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, d! o  B( |1 P4 D- P" b1 c& j7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

: X% R* M/ |  u& b; d0 V9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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% f5 s9 Z3 L2 W, |- P' ?7 \+ A11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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* }8 y9 @" \7 x' A3 z. E12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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) x9 h( J; c% a) b* _6 Q% i15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.