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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love3 o4 B2 I) @, X; ^: M. s

. E% k' F& l4 q9 A7 }  U+ sI fell in love with you
3 e( Z# m) O' qAt the first week we met
: E3 V3 \+ o8 c/ u2 o; |# H( D2 F/ m9 `5 M3 f
You have charm, you have looks6 }* R( V0 B# m- k' V9 N8 a
with full of pimples in face
& x3 |) a+ V# \* g% w' K" vAs spotting sky at a summer night
/ n8 J3 I; g- b2 n% OThey are shining stars
9 c/ l7 z* ]8 ?2 e7 v1 ^1 e( h2 d8 P+ G  `; r
Your lip is so big
( K- N2 `  T/ t4 T7 L- Y# B: iAnd that’s good for a kiss
# D' S) V# A1 B) c9 g$ _Your body is chubby
! a9 U( n, g  _* S' Z, w3 IAnd that is good for sex8 e. q. b. u* }+ f& b

" R  ?! W9 L) ^( p+ eI was deeply in love
' y0 Z) }# D- f0 i8 XEverything from you is positive' z' d, P0 W' k, |! r7 W  I% }
You blame me everything and everyday8 O4 Y9 U. N8 w
And I think all girls sound like) w: t; x. P2 a8 l+ d
" y: U4 z) ^8 Q1 m! B
You could not stand my eating
  \: Y4 ^+ z2 A% [! F) ASaying no good for making funny sound$ k2 {: H& ~& a5 t8 `. `( Y4 v
I think you are perfectly right9 N3 r8 Z- e& Q' V: ?1 j$ l! s) {
Eating with sound is a pig
! o" t  N  V# J; W/ N7 Q" v/ W
3 ]8 h: `  \: X# |I fell in love with you & y% C6 H, x) `/ u
Become a fool to think
4 i" j) V, o9 r3 V4 dAll trouble things you did4 \/ e7 R" z5 Z! U$ Q
And that is the price for love2 X' F4 d' \7 g3 F- H; O- @$ p
4 e$ g7 P, W! D( m9 t: n
you are deeply in love
+ @/ B0 o* |' _8 y4 [% `Everything from me is negative9 S# B6 f+ F# Q5 \3 T6 v. o5 R
"My man should be like this,% p& p! l) O, X! w' l/ C. k) F  h' S
and I am helping you to improve'! A& Z5 i, n9 s8 ]4 J
% g9 ^' u7 q! `
You are loving me
, {1 \& ^0 [% q  @, @4 kor that one in your mind?5 v0 v: |6 |0 m1 f: d- t
My mind is like a mud; v' J! {- ^$ T) m
can be shaped whatever you want
- M+ U6 ~/ ~( ^& z
+ W, |4 v' W/ W! s( G: Z. `0 ~- \unfortunalety not my heart
9 m2 t: m% [, tIt is slashed by you
7 F, _7 R" M! t8 h# |/ \; C* Yand I am seriously hurt
6 \7 X0 {5 V& f( P" {4 v
" ?1 d' U* e, E$ n) n, G$ mI will never love another
# i2 ~! ?& F, u* n' J5 ~0 eIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 8 h6 @' u; o( a& h
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% D6 Z" _' J) W" M+ E/ G2 k9 E* q/ t# Z: D6 s2 j
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!' C4 }4 R' g6 F% C9 d
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, & r2 X+ M8 Z3 y: Z! w
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.; Q, h" u9 v5 J) K# o2 @+ Z
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed8 H* x; H" w* p/ L
6 {0 _4 [9 i5 l4 {+ ^( @$ t1 |& y, Y
with the charm,
+ _" S# Z1 J5 u9 Swith the simles.4 {6 Q& n) Q% b) o, _
I fell in love with you
7 M: x) v9 C/ HIn the first sign.. }, A5 f+ {+ v
As spotting sky at a summer
+ _4 |- v2 _% d, b8 f, \& j
6 f  H2 E  `) f( c; }( v, EYour lip is so soft
9 Q. P- o0 x6 G; othere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
! J, Z- ]2 }/ ZYour body is so sexy& W6 U9 U0 V8 p/ ?- V0 O; w
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.# ^, m$ [1 v2 ~; e. }

: W) F5 Q8 n: xI am deeply in love( S" v, o# Y/ k2 |3 t* v
Everything from you is so charming
- t' m9 k# q9 P7 z. U9 w/ Calthough You r so picky for me
% J0 Y( a: E6 {And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
; I# s1 w# v1 GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
  m3 o7 U2 r6 H4 O6 `0 ~# W2 A/ X7 N
: {& P: h; N" f: j3 `, C9 z2 i
His hello is the end of her endings
5 q/ @6 m* H4 X) x7 cHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle; C* J  w' _3 {2 K0 u5 s
His hand would be hers to hold forever8 r- Q, y$ ~8 t" E! Y/ f
His forever is simply as her smile
+ u5 w1 Y2 m0 R' k) v2 v2 cHe said she was what was missing& i( `3 [* _; A* o+ P
She said instantly she knew* @  \% ]7 c9 S, g6 O" ~! R
She was a question to be answered
/ c# S4 o$ R! ?% r5 m0 vAnd his answer is 6 U2 R! M5 U* U8 N
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas; O% `) M( y1 `
; i. l$ k$ x2 ?5 y
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 d1 l" ?2 D5 a# M/ _1 ]  [" H( q; f2 x
It's amazing how I felt
- |& G. O3 h5 r- X1 \* [when I was with you4 f4 I- W9 z4 F3 v" J) e
My heart beat so fast
& S& W% K8 h: Y8 AI looked at you and thought) r  P, [+ _+ J/ ?: o
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
/ D/ Y( u" j7 q& J  n2 f# s/ h1 h
' N8 G0 ~6 e; Z8 I9 JYou left me without a word3 c) m# S* Y* l4 ?; p4 o
I have nothing except my emptiness
' y# L2 A* @6 R1 j/ oMy mood is like a cloud
8 \* C9 P3 m5 n& _+ uHow could it be dispersed?
* T6 _2 g2 k& R( v8 W+ x3 A& C3 g, B/ r' @' W
Feelings bite my heart - m* x* U  |3 z- h0 J$ V. m
You are the right one I wait
" [+ f1 X* C4 w4 IIn the depth of my soul- z1 [7 B6 M) |8 y/ l2 n
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 _  R! ?* E: M, Y7 s
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道) e" Q& l7 N3 b
就和用中文写一次
9 t. w5 C, b8 M* c9 a" }阿,我爱你
  L# |$ @/ E% A4 a你让我心跳好快
$ t/ D" ]( t& l# r, A% \2 v6 F你让我脸发热
, V3 Y+ P9 W" ?3 G! Z! g- Q我爱上你的大嘴唇6 A6 h% C8 I! L& V
XXXXX4 R# X7 R3 o5 }6 a
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
4 M( W/ R: {( B: R$ ]( F7 J( K3 ]
& U' G/ D" Y% l/ W3 n& {" ^) W如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
! X8 w" G+ n9 r. ~) A3 @6 u至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ) b5 d1 }9 i% n8 S7 i$ ~: Y# m( `
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. }7 K7 W. }$ ~3 O! U* Q7 T3 h! C你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 S4 D1 i$ i4 z$ ^* F3 J! T就和用中文写一次
+ |+ P/ u4 @0 R/ F, w0 }; v阿,我爱你
" n, c* ^* B: _$ G: B你让我心跳好快
( i( [! R" O; g: ~你让我脸发热
9 D! b( k% e6 v. x- X我爱上你的大嘴唇
# s# Q( e7 ?1 Z. x/ F$ bXXXXX: N( w) G, v) h
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ |  ^4 Z# H- M
# Z, n9 P1 I/ W2 _, U靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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