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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love  @; @( |# A7 D* W4 X7 L
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I fell in love with you , F+ W% [7 D  |5 z
At the first week we met1 v1 g: G# C  I! ^% G

8 v3 }; D$ j9 O8 }You have charm, you have looks
$ l  z! K8 W: d$ c$ n; d7 X$ U& Hwith full of pimples in face
  A3 X7 l2 w4 k4 P8 v# j1 O+ pAs spotting sky at a summer night
5 n4 [3 \2 C# ^( `# h3 OThey are shining stars
- j! J6 A* c9 P- ?; Y+ Q$ s9 _4 B. u
Your lip is so big& ~  o5 a- l8 Y0 J. D0 |8 m
And that’s good for a kiss1 l; h# l  i) g) n, K: {
Your body is chubby
: o2 g- E3 a% S. NAnd that is good for sex7 P- w3 S0 ]) x

$ L2 a6 z9 W7 s2 w8 `8 AI was deeply in love+ P3 e$ s/ N$ K( d
Everything from you is positive
- O1 g- Z0 C' G% c0 Y/ fYou blame me everything and everyday7 {; u$ z; D3 V: j. ^- F
And I think all girls sound like
  A/ ], c* D/ t' ]5 p$ @2 P1 o" f
: j1 ?0 ]+ V4 E8 O, |3 S, OYou could not stand my eating
/ X$ S6 s2 D! l, WSaying no good for making funny sound: }2 r, t$ z% R/ O& g5 Y
I think you are perfectly right
3 U! t& T* {6 B& ], R  VEating with sound is a pig, K- \) ^* d  q& {5 I, H

5 z& ]& J' A/ g4 I% cI fell in love with you # c) X; e  q5 c. a
Become a fool to think
. _- E) T" y+ b% y' D3 O: \All trouble things you did! c) i6 f, u$ F1 G( ^4 E: K& O5 y
And that is the price for love3 D1 D( L* y) c4 U$ W
  r' L% W4 }/ k1 M# s2 j) K2 w
you are deeply in love
2 @! P) E$ Z! M* I9 G$ N% REverything from me is negative$ ?2 w& f8 K9 E7 p
"My man should be like this,+ O- |" v0 y5 Q" E1 I! @
and I am helping you to improve'
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You are loving me
  W8 M  g0 G2 l% \or that one in your mind?6 a5 ~% C2 D1 }( _# [+ S
My mind is like a mud
8 K' O+ S" ~" n" lcan be shaped whatever you want5 g7 x) D" ], h  |: N( P2 n6 A, {( U
0 E% Q" g: m3 h& n4 T
unfortunalety not my heart% E0 d# Y  v! S( i. n! U$ F: F4 X% u
It is slashed by you
  w9 U7 Q1 e0 b0 nand I am seriously hurt3 H5 V, n* G( R* q

' a( I% b! p+ O5 r& t4 R8 g- }4 _I will never love another 3 H6 ^0 \4 C  T  f8 _4 V' W3 Q  V/ z8 W
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 y+ e& q/ Z4 d6 t- y1 j+ }
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
2 R9 a% l5 F! m' M+ R

+ M! X/ x- T; W0 v4 z咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
. G4 ]3 t% b' e) Z+ f不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, - _+ i/ U4 X9 X7 s5 l9 N# s
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 G! }+ e. [, {$ W8 R  b4 IAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
4 j  L# r: M# \) z; _6 b6 F
, h% P0 R! w( o' w6 h) Hwith the charm,+ q! r! s3 y4 x- l
with the simles.
. g2 ^! ?; h! ~I fell in love with you : K- W0 |4 y) D! P9 ~* j$ r
In the first sign.- W+ c3 z) s& |7 E0 V8 q8 A. X6 C6 z
As spotting sky at a summer
& ~, x$ g  V: [  T7 {9 E. a& j  g; k
Your lip is so soft
# j7 J5 U% `" E& `8 Mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
: p/ P; l, j' N! ^6 o! aYour body is so sexy
! Q; Y3 i1 p% [& W' \" o0 U% [% h5 j: CAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
5 n) ^8 G% d0 \2 n( V. n$ y  t& \: F
I am deeply in love
# t7 b' ?2 ]- q! a3 P: p  ~Everything from you is so charming; F. [% R. Q8 t8 O  W; T; r, @
although You r so picky for me
$ K& s- C8 B+ M3 [4 sAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.( F; k7 \; F: Q! m: p4 \- s; W
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem1 e. k0 {# `; ^) Z# u% E" C
, O& }  H# R/ {5 V# l
+ S9 v* H2 m' c3 b3 b: {# e
His hello is the end of her endings
$ L, m9 P! S  p8 H- hHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 }( D% r  V  V6 H: L6 ^His hand would be hers to hold forever
  K2 ]* A( I1 Z) _0 v! m$ HHis forever is simply as her smile   \9 N; A1 t9 D) E
He said she was what was missing
+ _. m& [1 B# Z7 u+ n6 i7 XShe said instantly she knew# u. a' B. c0 @+ f
She was a question to be answered
5 B+ [! \# M4 `$ ]7 w/ j- k3 N' u8 iAnd his answer is
/ V- q: G& ?+ Q# e. V0 P7 [5 YI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas" k3 \+ v' P8 w. e6 e
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
2 Z2 {$ H9 Y; C4 U; J' G! N4 C2 o- o1 e% r! F$ k6 y
It's amazing how I felt
. L" E6 l& V( b1 F# e; E3 X8 bwhen I was with you! L, V- E* y8 |* c  J+ y3 J9 P7 K2 Z3 ~
My heart beat so fast
- f# y7 h8 S) P; T" ?I looked at you and thought
- z+ i' L1 a3 A5 a" FHoly Jesus, you were so cute) P5 o. X! Z/ n0 q

3 o2 H$ T# z; F) A" o4 u4 N- Y2 BYou left me without a word/ o& k1 T, N- f, m
I have nothing except my emptiness1 M# W8 c- r  H- [6 k3 S& L+ y
My mood is like a cloud$ i& G  C, h7 F: q
How could it be dispersed?
' ]% Q- ]' M# n1 C& a; J  E# E" E) c( c& v: g( o9 B9 a- ^6 J
Feelings bite my heart
& S. n: h( W, ^6 v5 S6 F( mYou are the right one I wait5 {5 @+ D1 Z+ T5 R/ d' @7 k; m
In the depth of my soul
, _# P; p7 d$ {; rI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: h3 L1 G4 I/ _! t5 s
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( \' I% O( W, A. H就和用中文写一次/ d# I. c5 ?- T0 f
阿,我爱你
! F+ j: A5 [3 k8 G" ]$ A* ~你让我心跳好快, P2 v3 g% U; U6 @# Y1 X& W
你让我脸发热
. I; ?6 K6 A& U! Z3 n) J我爱上你的大嘴唇7 |4 z6 S% H7 ^1 ^
XXXXX& h5 V: |& N! U! i( e
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
& d$ L4 x6 ~7 R! J) }( ], @  Q- `) C$ j) }, m2 I
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  Z) ~$ c( O9 o* o至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: [- f* u* u' I. a5 O3 Q( p闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 E$ s7 z* l7 |你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( x' L+ j7 L% X% C
就和用中文写一次
) G1 q2 R) |% Z8 R0 m阿,我爱你
6 m, R- }3 u1 }+ A1 Y你让我心跳好快+ G  `2 |& t0 |8 h
你让我脸发热
3 d, e6 e" Q  f$ S7 r我爱上你的大嘴唇
% V+ k# E. k: PXXXXX  j2 ~' @1 |9 O8 j* E
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  B# _) b( w$ E, \5 ~
. ]3 Z8 h6 `' \% Z5 d- f! ~
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
" ~3 d) J' S3 [
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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