我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
3 h. y2 p# _- O
4 U7 K$ m, c4 I/ v1 Y: C3 xI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
# m/ z2 N( P# _; G: c1 Y, [
6 R4 B. I% Y4 s" dYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
/ M- o- [! x' v! V: S! mAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

1 _2 e* O  ~+ Z1 A4 K' MYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
3 y7 n0 j- W5 S. qYour body is chubby
6 ^( `3 q- {9 X9 C9 X7 `And that is good for sex

, g3 k) f% ~# }  |I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
2 B2 }- R9 J& L8 t/ \3 m' X% V; HYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
) N0 K2 A& E! \. D
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
" e" \9 d9 W4 w0 {, m9 n& WI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
0 o6 [7 C: Z8 a- c
% D- p- @. a4 y, Y5 rI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
% x8 E& N% ^' J  g) \All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
8 [% R* g0 T6 V& O7 F. g
: o. E" r* W, H9 d& yyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
% ^) }- `0 E; O4 ?* q! q7 A+ Q"My man should be like this,
2 W. b5 b8 m, {* `and I am helping you to improve'
) I  k$ z8 d5 Z1 m! G# D( Z0 O
$ v, E1 e) a" kYou are loving me
* h9 D% o; w; C/ Z5 k  F* x) ^9 Sor that one in your mind?
# Y. x$ T, o: J* E1 Q# yMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
' R( }! f% {3 i( G, b/ d
' K, ?  B% B6 J$ I; x; Y2 o0 \unfortunalety not my heart
! g, K8 H  s0 U% u( |9 m1 ~It is slashed by you
% _; V, k1 {8 `9 f- q; |$ _# U9 Band I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
3 n, u2 Q9 T2 M% Z9 g/ A, lIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

4 ]) X6 d" l# J" A
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 s2 u$ Y' V' k' W0 ]' cAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

% {* w$ [% U/ kwith the charm,
with the simles.
- m8 l* L1 L3 @I fell in love with you
  B+ k: o7 M5 [; ]" s& Z' y7 kIn the first sign.
0 s+ i1 m& c/ ^  \) `0 ~As spotting sky at a summer
5 Q5 M$ S$ O, D  W0 |" z0 Q
4 X+ y, ^' r8 ZYour lip is so soft
! s) s; O; R  v: W+ u1 L3 d9 A& c& q+ E/ bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
: F( q9 ^5 ~. ]5 ^Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
! q( T4 w3 @0 }5 M/ E$ C) y# y' ^3 sEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

" w# T8 J  {. J# a7 K' ]- F
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' y" q( o: W3 F7 u0 x2 qHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! t- D* r5 }! w$ \4 l5 [7 K
6 {' V2 U9 l* H- L6 TBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
7 i$ t4 K& c; W  n9 O/ l
: m/ O0 w% H+ o, k1 w( @( D9 xIt's amazing how I felt
$ ]1 [5 g; g; F" O; }' H% Nwhen I was with you
" r0 j. _9 E  MMy heart beat so fast
! C9 |& f- q) }  x( NI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
: D8 x6 Z. D! q+ G' w- D9 d) BHow could it be dispersed?
* k* F6 L, f- L, Z+ K: H
Feelings bite my heart
- |7 K4 l9 j0 f+ SYou are the right one I wait
1 U! I& L1 p( UIn the depth of my soul
$ x+ P: S( b2 Y& ?7 MI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 x) T; X; M; |  `; W就和用中文写一次
% p8 W' ~" Y" ]' {' U阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" F) g( h4 r. b
9 a' X' q- t1 B! s* \4 A. j如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
1 z3 a. `$ y5 b$ m至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ M& r; L4 ^, D闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# v9 A. B% g# h( D; M; n就和用中文写一次
# B' D9 F& m* G/ Z4 o  {0 f" F- B阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
2 |1 z( ~5 A4 Z0 e5 E# _! d你让我脸发热
% u7 h8 s/ B: ^我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 [  ?; _9 |1 O% Z; l9 c4 ZXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

: V; b# j! X' F0 v2 V2 Y. A4 R靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 {) x* s- @. S- v; A' A0 ~" ]$ y4 `

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。