我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

- q# ]4 q; a2 iI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

! C$ W+ `; g, l$ P; p4 uYou have charm, you have looks
! |& h2 V0 H/ H9 }with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

( M, ?7 B+ b2 K  {Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

7 T8 z0 r0 |! x! g% |I was deeply in love
/ A' ]) k6 L1 ?/ @+ E  f7 P  I6 _$ XEverything from you is positive
/ d9 q8 x" r) S& }You blame me everything and everyday
$ L+ c4 H) h& H6 GAnd I think all girls sound like
$ m; K  b$ s" J, d
6 A: r9 S: q5 O8 W  ~4 ?* cYou could not stand my eating
- o! F9 H( B4 m- H5 aSaying no good for making funny sound
6 V# z) x' t* B1 g9 NI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

+ N5 Q7 A0 ?, I) C! m+ i* J& B  RI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
: O+ y8 @! [2 `0 a5 u4 C  ?# ~2 R
, V9 N% n3 a4 \/ l5 N; syou are deeply in love
" _- }/ Z  I+ k( l# o: REverything from me is negative
& A/ i- @5 S* f"My man should be like this,
) N' ]) Y; T( _6 [0 s! Mand I am helping you to improve'
# M. W! J: o: I$ s& ~: s, U+ C1 `
& j8 H" P" {  b, L3 ^. P* u  oYou are loving me
2 j, g5 U2 L' q8 P! Ror that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
2 j! N1 Q2 k2 g& kcan be shaped whatever you want

3 Z  |  U3 A6 r6 h% Y) \; sunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
; p% x" `: z+ [) Jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 _6 ^/ T' V3 a' |/ K咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
1 P6 }. Q# \) K( W3 H, J' Qi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
+ v- R3 E, i  S0 ~! C- `
with the charm,
$ f. p3 c# Z8 V! i! G3 f9 iwith the simles.
, g3 c7 h4 D2 T9 T1 v& i( c# _I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
% U6 W4 X' [4 c3 s# Y( b) Tthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

8 G; s* J) q- V- ~) gI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
2 F4 v2 {9 B1 ~2 F

3 q: k$ r9 \+ w$ n! z% LHis hello is the end of her endings
( p+ e- [2 F2 m) Y) z& j# Y; [5 RHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 D' E, K0 K- X2 z: U+ KHis hand would be hers to hold forever
' d6 b, w. M5 U- d* |, a1 PHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
5 b! [. G/ L$ v4 e) O) h. ~She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
8 F7 t) C# w$ G2 H3 fI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

, W7 |3 {1 _( H; C/ T6 mBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

6 `5 B- F  `5 x  BIt's amazing how I felt
2 k3 k1 ]7 u/ y/ g1 Z- m, Qwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
8 L/ Z* x- f$ h3 dI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
/ C7 d. L5 y: `
You left me without a word
) J1 j. @! B0 [, T5 d$ PI have nothing except my emptiness
' Z6 M+ T: q' K: {  j3 ~My mood is like a cloud
' H& q" n: R; e8 {0 m% WHow could it be dispersed?
& [0 L" P0 M/ q( h
$ R" P- k+ C3 _: [" N( ~& sFeelings bite my heart
) e& j; X% T% s  K6 U# sYou are the right one I wait
4 q1 s9 H( w* hIn the depth of my soul
- W6 C, A5 u" B/ z; O6 Q6 }8 RI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
: y6 W& O( B' i7 _; f. G0 d阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
: ?* H( `# ]# c4 |1 ]我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 Y& T5 W6 D0 P4 t: PXXXXX
$ u! l/ j; L. N# {1 X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

; F$ ~4 u2 @- y; D4 L如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" x' X& E3 {' x) X  J% I3 @你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
9 j, v% q# K  k/ k1 u0 e2 `阿,我爱你
9 C1 ?3 j; B% T: c. D, U8 {你让我心跳好快
  }. v: _* P0 P你让我脸发热
$ m/ e/ q! w. d$ Y4 V0 A/ x我爱上你的大嘴唇
: u9 a8 C  c7 d) a6 T' sXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。