我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
2 a. ^( c% H! w" D3 e8 |8 LAt the first week we met

5 g* K( j/ ?  J+ C! f+ k  RYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
1 W1 ^- l. K4 _2 r+ J1 K3 f' i
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
3 _- {- i$ I4 {  o) p1 |4 c; FYour body is chubby
* F+ k. H* i- MAnd that is good for sex
- q. v, {7 |! D  j6 G" b1 y% {5 T
I was deeply in love
# p  s& J1 X2 s& eEverything from you is positive
$ @; ]& ^, s9 h+ A3 FYou blame me everything and everyday
7 ^# {3 o& m. g. y( k2 O% j8 a9 CAnd I think all girls sound like
3 ^# L8 _! I# B: ?/ V/ M
" t/ G+ e, a8 _$ w7 J2 n$ s1 |& BYou could not stand my eating
/ h: h3 j; y; T  M6 hSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
/ y% @4 t- t! _4 m$ gEating with sound is a pig
* n3 B9 n; S% [# {5 H% A( [
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
$ {; Q% i( v! C  z& WAll trouble things you did
+ E9 w9 ]3 v6 Q& g, c, tAnd that is the price for love

/ a! S, n  \( h5 [% |you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
% J) u' s) p4 C4 f9 _8 B1 [; j+ U: r. i"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
  {0 h, J. |/ q, |0 o
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
9 X& Y1 j# H' D( PMy mind is like a mud
& m& u3 M! A/ x; ?can be shaped whatever you want
9 |. G  q: V, a" p; i$ K; ?$ ?8 X& R
+ u- ~; {+ T. B' L# a2 C; c8 aunfortunalety not my heart
$ W# h, d2 o  X, J: y1 lIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
) s! ]5 z% E% s+ B$ q. Q' eIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 C2 \' L% W- b& X6 A
: c& a. a/ X) t' O* o- u0 D9 b咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
) A# L* ~- |4 \( D7 g) m9 i1 ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
  N& r/ Z9 W) m# h# Q3 \And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
; s) T2 k0 C7 f. u. S
, o( A& K& w! f4 n" N- Owith the charm,
with the simles.
# G3 Y; ~1 {1 H3 MI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
" r; ~' n  s$ S4 vAs spotting sky at a summer
6 j- b+ l2 p, D
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
. `9 @, n7 J1 q7 z+ i% EYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
7 d6 N9 k" v. b/ G& N
  f( N& g6 d; q6 mI am deeply in love
( H5 ?4 O1 B: m8 UEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
& p1 n, G  p1 f

His hello is the end of her endings
/ \" j5 g. E/ E$ jHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
; W/ o3 h! D% V; r: d( M0 ]6 cHis hand would be hers to hold forever
2 a5 J' `0 A# C% f, e: C0 Y7 p: t+ VHis forever is simply as her smile
9 W# F) y) M6 x8 d/ E. LHe said she was what was missing
* g/ E5 |0 z0 ^* M5 ~* j! `) lShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
, R. l* f4 [" E9 r4 NI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
& z! @- B6 |- _3 W: d' ]
- q8 q9 ?  P6 @( {0 yBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
! L: d$ M9 k+ Mwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
' {8 n$ j5 X$ d8 k- {) sI looked at you and thought
  Q" t, B$ C' c; `) I5 V3 J) q% oHoly Jesus, you were so cute
* y0 |" K6 a! S* |  k: I2 T$ ]
! s2 \  D5 j' `8 d! Y& b) zYou left me without a word
" N6 J: i9 B3 r9 N) V5 l: xI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
, H3 r; C2 T; V2 D, D. {, `- x2 _How could it be dispersed?
! n  ]- P' k3 M5 n1 `
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
! k+ M' t6 [! p' _1 A+ l2 f8 iIn the depth of my soul
( S6 ]8 ^9 C/ J9 mI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 p9 H0 e, M" p+ o+ L- o你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( I, X0 N) d4 t" u9 G就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
. @$ y: a* \3 a9 Z6 ]  ^你让我脸发热
& K  c$ z" Y  z$ q我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
. ~" _) \! S: l; F不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 f6 P- {3 n, d" F
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; o: G3 q+ }) n. O9 G5 b1 R你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 I# {" L8 y' b# T- _+ H就和用中文写一次
% Y1 b9 S4 {' b3 I" E' A/ v阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
3 S& u: J" t* ^; ?# D我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 Z$ {4 l3 _9 W( C1 NXXXXX
. O( y+ B7 V2 @, v+ L不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
  e6 N7 F1 e! N8 W0 J

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。