Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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- x# D$ c5 r( {* Y5 O" O. P. g# l+ P: O1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

1 w) O3 Q' b" P3 F5 b% Q3 d: x3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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2 M' p/ T6 E' C4 C* b' f9 S& t  x4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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0 x/ r2 E5 ~) G/ Y. ]! T5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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2 v& L2 K$ t8 K8 G3 s0 _6 z" B6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

. k# M7 F! ^. _  P8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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0 ^9 g( Y- g. e  f+ F& J$ B! v. [9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

; X! C$ E+ [6 o0 j10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

) W* N# ^. ?) s2 B  w  \. e0 `13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

8 {/ N3 D/ m) S8 M14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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* s  H) Q1 p9 g* K7 c15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.