Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

7 h1 [4 @' M4 x, S) X, ^4 _1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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" U) e& s$ @8 b3 L* ~, \9 k2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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% m, R4 p3 O& l8 V/ f9 J0 t5 x5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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- \5 @7 f4 A+ {6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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; O4 d1 G- |- {8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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  F# K+ a" Q" B% x8 C5 w10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

4 I2 `/ Y; \& Q: E3 I11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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% }5 b4 }/ [3 e: f0 Z3 z  K12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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3 D5 N2 H2 e1 u1 S9 _, W! x5 ]13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

9 _0 \% S5 p) s% i- E15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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+ U8 Q7 F/ B2 z& \; E! K16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.