Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

; K; X# E8 C4 @6 o# x, f; @$ o7 u9 `The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

& U  N( o: _, I7 c3 M1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

$ ?1 z- x, g2 P. d: m7 n* h5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

$ G! y2 z' y. ]( I" P8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9 `7 M% u' j8 s4 `! @  j0 B% U9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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$ P% L; Z9 D# E4 {3 q' E+ ]10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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" T( M4 y: c- Q# \7 ]7 V% z; z12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

0 d+ e3 F9 [7 H' H13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

9 a1 T# t3 ~. V- F# \- Q1 r15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

' {' v  g0 s! S! `* I16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.