Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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0 }) G" N% J5 [- ^& ?( [/ O% S1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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' d$ @, ?. P: \6 H0 r4 l* o* f2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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  \, a9 j- T8 m: A. L: T4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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6 b; }. n1 L! J! k" I% E5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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& x" `/ Q1 V6 }: g11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

- G( Z/ B8 J! h8 S# u& u, z* C14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

1 Z- U6 H# V0 \3 J15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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# a( g! l" }( z! O: W16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.