Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
3 s5 Y2 x- y/ S% g5 ~  n( C8 \8 T
( e* B4 A* d" t# gThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
+ R# W+ q" E8 O: l8 h3 k1 p; O
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
1 {. ~5 N9 V- s: M
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
6 F" {) p( C2 t8 c& J; Y
/ }4 w  ^/ }: a9 s. z# k5 w  s) P2 P3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
. x& ?) ^) V9 b* J
. i: {4 N0 ~0 N+ _) q4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
* p3 o3 h4 N* ]* f
- k+ I) h1 [& Q1 F- o5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
2 l( [- d2 j1 q( }# k: h
( `( Z3 X  z' Q* f9 |' [4 _! F; U7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
0 h  U/ Q% |  m
3 y. T0 |# t1 b* o) T6 L) j! y8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
4 ~5 \  A+ B% }0 d( |' B% [1 r
. ?( A) b' S0 Y10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- W) j& M  I( q' _
+ T2 O* W/ b& [/ w7 T5 d11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
4 ]5 y' A; p) E1 `& S
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
/ D" Y* _& c. f" b: z
# [- \1 L* H* m+ n! Y' \13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

9 \# v% W7 d) J# M- H3 D15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
" G8 A' D+ B% e) C. P# r
5 @5 ?# Z$ k/ g4 X( Y16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.