Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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! U, T& c  S/ R* r8 u7 JThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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  E( w5 d0 o; R" m: |. L2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

; d+ R" c# U7 I1 d10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

2 o" s4 B2 b+ K" B6 K1 p+ w11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

: Z) c/ t) H* w12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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/ h: b3 H8 j. m# G: V7 X" U9 U15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.