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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love0 |* }% G6 p$ j1 m6 ~+ ~
4 w, k$ h( |8 Y: b
I fell in love with you
  s  X7 r5 `3 h0 TAt the first week we met+ \: M9 s. H# Z5 \) @' X

' j9 f: u, |$ d1 ^# e0 uYou have charm, you have looks
' R2 G! k  T( R: p0 L+ Y) b- _- e' Owith full of pimples in face$ n+ T6 w* ~: d, i( O4 S
As spotting sky at a summer night
( N6 N2 a' `. H6 J- |  X/ {: jThey are shining stars
5 S! ]* t  p( O" f& W" k4 ^, x
& P6 N' ?, k/ T1 q' c  lYour lip is so big
- T% D7 {5 q. D" iAnd that’s good for a kiss" e  m! F; j2 b
Your body is chubby
# v9 l! Z4 [+ X: K* Y% p+ _And that is good for sex
) H/ y% ]* S5 I: J7 c& d6 K. S7 X# F
I was deeply in love
. b  F3 ?; F! ~3 ZEverything from you is positive' a( Y. m) H. I" j8 }" Q  N9 v. ]2 t
You blame me everything and everyday
# z: H2 U" q& g. I  |* W/ |And I think all girls sound like/ u% M" l% x( w1 f3 E1 O
1 T9 Q% `* N1 x, ^* r- Y
You could not stand my eating* @( K1 m  g" T3 o
Saying no good for making funny sound! c! W' R! T6 O5 j6 @0 e
I think you are perfectly right- L) s/ f' R+ d" {' {7 y( P# p
Eating with sound is a pig
, i, T1 H4 e& O: p) v+ O
. H. O7 a: A$ z" @. H+ r  WI fell in love with you / Y: H/ g! q  q1 H# J6 W* y2 c/ j
Become a fool to think8 Y9 N6 n  q7 ^# n; f
All trouble things you did
; E! g+ i* O, eAnd that is the price for love
( ?% H# g4 J  X/ _4 Y
) Y& G7 r0 Z& e' b$ Uyou are deeply in love
) n! w: f- n( H9 UEverything from me is negative
- G2 c" y( }$ C, q2 ^"My man should be like this,
- G/ X, {. A" Fand I am helping you to improve'- k( u. \% Z5 ^, n8 b# U
7 a& J' Y% J; a. D) m
You are loving me 1 K+ e8 f# J. }
or that one in your mind?$ n5 ?3 h# \- X/ o  b3 g) e) w
My mind is like a mud6 d. G/ [* {/ j# v' `( B
can be shaped whatever you want: l" h4 s) t7 C: v: ?

6 Y7 [! I/ y2 n! Uunfortunalety not my heart, i( S& |7 v8 ~- _, q! I9 P
It is slashed by you
6 A+ j  G* M! cand I am seriously hurt
8 R0 {7 z) g! Q8 q5 G  m# g0 F, k
5 P  t4 c) j  r1 a3 i+ vI will never love another
% g  k/ w( Z1 o. j5 V! U4 bIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 : W5 _. V4 \; b! \2 ^" Y  t
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
, L! k( s* _0 |* C" r# E# ~

* }- M" m( E7 w8 Z+ _咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!+ W  E; }/ I& m2 \% s
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
; b' ^; Z; ^& Pi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.  H3 `, ]; M2 b# O* n
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed8 T& B; b2 b" E# c

1 X, j% B3 o& {5 o, C) Cwith the charm,
/ L$ {% x1 e8 h0 \" R. Wwith the simles.
4 C+ I) U8 d5 P6 c$ d# m4 d. F7 v1 VI fell in love with you
" ]+ @2 l! {* J6 \4 O5 X4 AIn the first sign.* j! Q# \  F8 f) t5 a2 Z/ B7 z" a
As spotting sky at a summer 5 a% \+ {; K, }) n/ U. B' i1 j

2 b5 q% H# C: O2 U+ X1 r7 |Your lip is so soft % A% s6 I- f' l$ Y
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
% ~! o% m: n0 i# W, LYour body is so sexy
8 i' r0 W* ^* m7 d. E+ v" KAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
' v" c2 L1 n$ H  V
, C- t- I1 q3 ?4 _8 D8 LI am deeply in love
& I  \2 w  r' o8 Y+ j7 KEverything from you is so charming
$ E1 D5 n# d1 h$ a8 @+ s+ L/ walthough You r so picky for me
6 Y; p) P/ n9 ~1 U: r9 x; dAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  |% b6 T, y. H+ gBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
/ D' l: l; u  e% a4 K$ T: L
; ^4 l, h( ~5 g! w  D- I$ H2 u+ G8 t3 q/ V
His hello is the end of her endings: w2 S9 p1 P3 x- q1 s3 r& r; ?
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle1 Q  v, V. d% X& P) R$ Q" c  l9 R
His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 b, @1 P4 W3 B4 @His forever is simply as her smile
% @7 R1 l- d+ @) ^' pHe said she was what was missing
& T  g! U( \" c8 X7 }7 D# J! h: jShe said instantly she knew. G, a  V/ Z8 c; H
She was a question to be answered
0 W5 l0 I2 R  W$ FAnd his answer is * O8 j4 k& B4 n9 }9 f# [1 L+ s
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
1 c* E2 X& ]( }" [0 n7 f, p; @6 l
: r  s/ M( L, I3 Z  Z  C6 XBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt' `6 B& C' z+ W
, s- V+ \- @1 Y- }$ `
It's amazing how I felt ! a- ~3 Q' s3 E8 Y2 c% @( d0 ~
when I was with you9 `( c6 O+ {, c$ h
My heart beat so fast% S5 N* ?6 B) f* j% x
I looked at you and thought
5 a" Q4 }1 B0 y! OHoly Jesus, you were so cute8 x' K0 A3 u9 U1 P; A+ c

3 R/ ]8 S/ _, r$ D+ dYou left me without a word9 ~) W; x. M# a5 k0 S, \! X
I have nothing except my emptiness' ]3 i0 Z0 u$ H, _
My mood is like a cloud
$ ~* B* R% R: ?* G: j( yHow could it be dispersed?
( Y/ ~" H9 w+ R
, z3 D3 v0 q& x* g6 D$ `Feelings bite my heart ' n6 J9 I6 B  ^$ s# q9 y0 m
You are the right one I wait
7 Q5 h( S0 ^3 R4 ^/ LIn the depth of my soul. [' L5 Y2 m8 B# A. V- h' V, z3 I' S
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% @5 H; ~6 b# |% w! v6 P你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 r- b' A( o: L- R就和用中文写一次: O( Y1 V% u( \8 U& D, u" ^; Q' y
阿,我爱你
. K, C7 X/ k) M/ r7 ^) N你让我心跳好快7 U& J( V: }: h% g  u% S! L
你让我脸发热
2 K/ `. @7 P. k2 `  n( `. P: u6 ^: G我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 M+ T1 [8 x8 G' |  X1 |XXXXX' Z. Y/ G8 n, @' _& q, c
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
& I  w# C: A5 q8 {0 T9 S
7 S3 D6 h  \" m, M: V" A% I如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER# d) d: u/ g/ x. q7 \! d
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 t: B) C( _/ E; z$ o( g$ T# x闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  @/ c; h- @: c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# J% \. j# y: I  ?8 g! R: D就和用中文写一次$ G& t" L4 K$ n1 J3 q2 M$ T. D
阿,我爱你+ r- m5 `, ^- s5 R9 x
你让我心跳好快
& w! R; o5 }! @. ^0 J你让我脸发热' P+ y$ a7 z2 Q9 A' z0 @
我爱上你的大嘴唇
: Q* B# F! |0 R1 bXXXXX3 _8 d8 l" ~+ L6 k
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

9 R; @( e$ |2 ~/ D1 _: j/ O; t7 G$ _* j: E* o3 T
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.0 _' D1 w8 ]0 }' K  b# _
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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