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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love5 F3 ]/ V7 ?, A# z& T# S% N

. i+ F8 L3 p3 C2 u$ Z8 _( [I fell in love with you ! p7 m' \! _9 h( S
At the first week we met7 |% d3 w- A6 f+ H0 [4 `1 x3 M1 r
( [& ?4 w9 H2 K3 p' N! W. W
You have charm, you have looks7 h1 D* K% @4 O- k9 ^
with full of pimples in face1 z+ i9 c# }5 d1 J! X& H# l
As spotting sky at a summer night
* H6 Z& d6 [. |They are shining stars+ Y! j, r- ]* h" q2 N: u
+ J( P! n9 G4 W
Your lip is so big
7 F. R) `2 u5 u# R$ OAnd that’s good for a kiss1 l3 d# |. p' e9 e0 H& {8 o0 E
Your body is chubby
0 T! ?( x( F/ ?. [And that is good for sex3 I8 T9 a1 b2 Z2 D$ E

! c* H( a, T% j& Q$ bI was deeply in love
: {5 q) \5 N$ Q2 G* y; \" lEverything from you is positive
1 x* e7 Z! x$ a" H' G5 F1 PYou blame me everything and everyday
" \3 ?4 ~* n  F0 xAnd I think all girls sound like8 ]' k) {* c& ]# K
2 ?+ G/ ]) |) w& z1 V' ~
You could not stand my eating
8 A( _: Z6 U/ t! ESaying no good for making funny sound+ w1 `' j' T& {; N( ?8 t
I think you are perfectly right
. v. \. X0 y0 k+ L' W4 VEating with sound is a pig
: e3 t2 R4 h, w, @  }# K! Y$ m/ s% B" @: F& \, s' I4 `
I fell in love with you 8 t% I5 A' z0 |( W; K( N
Become a fool to think
9 p. H, K; ^9 S$ ?, E) EAll trouble things you did9 b, T' _' f' u7 k; x- O" @
And that is the price for love
/ ?5 G. i8 G% E* n8 S$ B
$ S4 \/ |- Y: p: w$ L* Z$ Iyou are deeply in love* |& I, ^4 A) P
Everything from me is negative; z- r: _* H' }1 I- C; g# c
"My man should be like this,
8 ]1 T8 R* X, zand I am helping you to improve'9 C- |/ |/ o) n7 a
) J7 a, N$ V! C" j) ^
You are loving me 5 Q2 g6 w8 ?. h/ o2 e0 W
or that one in your mind?. d. {9 x1 r( H( g) M8 G9 h
My mind is like a mud
5 k0 E. @4 E* n# f! \! Ncan be shaped whatever you want
8 K' Z# l+ ~$ D. a5 n9 P) t$ H" I" n- a5 ~! Q
unfortunalety not my heart
2 ]* r. u6 r4 E1 J# u# A$ I1 G2 Q) eIt is slashed by you
8 e8 ~0 m0 r* C' `3 m- Eand I am seriously hurt* V+ S0 d  u$ R
9 @" A* J) L  J; N2 x& o$ ]* n
I will never love another 2 V, b( u, z2 A7 w# J' h
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
- M' a8 R6 M, Y  R& Z6 Wmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
- D9 z# _6 q, R
7 R7 C) P: X. }1 ?: `9 q
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!- M2 \: z$ k' B; H# ]% o
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
6 B) V$ J2 P! k) Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.& Q- P# N$ Q0 T# B5 g
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  T( _: E5 w- m1 k
6 e' b/ i0 ?5 E+ a
with the charm,
( \2 A  H2 D7 ~. D; Wwith the simles.' M+ |0 _  N+ D/ t: G
I fell in love with you
1 T' v3 V% k4 M' D1 C; LIn the first sign.
+ I4 F! q8 x" {, y% L4 |% w& e$ _As spotting sky at a summer 5 `- z5 {  T7 ]  E5 {& K

1 I7 h  x1 r0 d3 l2 N, Y& T+ GYour lip is so soft ' T( ~( R7 Q  i) T  c4 C
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss  ?; F7 {7 I* c8 j0 m
Your body is so sexy
9 o/ q/ x4 l+ o: J7 G5 u1 wAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.( j+ g: g- H. B* y+ P( h

1 x& e7 ?/ y1 {! n# i; QI am deeply in love6 F# ?- U0 H) ~1 V) o" t$ L0 N
Everything from you is so charming% ?- v# M% L5 N, L$ @
although You r so picky for me
6 R6 |2 a9 K5 w& j' n+ y8 \And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.% @- T& N3 _) X: @3 y9 I
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem9 }1 E+ O" [4 S* {" g

8 H& L; g# g  J5 y5 G& Y1 A+ d8 S- l0 ^2 l: W$ b
His hello is the end of her endings, [* Q8 y$ N8 U) ^. Y7 U+ w
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
1 J5 w* x7 y: A/ E. L# f8 PHis hand would be hers to hold forever
) |5 |, t  q  C2 jHis forever is simply as her smile & |" `  {: B1 a9 v% G, H, p
He said she was what was missing3 A. x- h  y' [4 x
She said instantly she knew. J. C; `& T( N: N! N- S4 }
She was a question to be answered
2 H" N& \  ?! I5 bAnd his answer is
# T3 e$ }' R2 {$ g5 @I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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: }3 h5 c2 X8 Q" g) B2 j, i& CBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt. ]5 Y+ c- r6 [, x& N

) r( w8 ]- W, v/ p- ], @5 fIt's amazing how I felt , }7 A/ v$ b5 C& x- H5 a0 b
when I was with you7 W1 Q8 C2 |. e  `' ^) n" M
My heart beat so fast
9 S5 t, x* n3 Y; f% n6 H4 }I looked at you and thought$ h+ N% O5 r) {: ?
Holy Jesus, you were so cute& B5 t  _- |, I) h, _

0 u# p7 N1 `& z2 R3 G8 lYou left me without a word
9 ], L- k3 V# S" B7 g' bI have nothing except my emptiness
  H" D1 V  e! JMy mood is like a cloud
2 b7 L* j* u$ l3 s" B! q& qHow could it be dispersed?
" j7 d3 }4 _7 g, H
8 Z3 z. h( v1 k4 o7 N8 E6 RFeelings bite my heart $ F- ^; e+ G( \0 S7 Y7 ], {
You are the right one I wait
2 B9 e2 E( Q1 l& p8 T4 b/ ]/ aIn the depth of my soul' z) N6 W: X3 r/ g; Z4 p9 P" X( F
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 ]8 |, g! L4 e+ h( O
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% u& j9 Y  D% D3 Y
就和用中文写一次% P- y2 t5 v, @! @! Z2 L' o
阿,我爱你% w% j0 m) n% t/ H9 w: B( L
你让我心跳好快
$ k8 F) k7 Q. N) s# s你让我脸发热6 T5 b0 q  Q8 z
我爱上你的大嘴唇& T2 R3 h7 F- r5 A$ T' r* r
XXXXX
) ~6 p- y& y- R8 k6 d6 ?不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
' U. e2 K( g3 b; @$ E9 m( O, q* y9 f. a; a1 M
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 A7 [2 d8 h9 \( g至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 * P% i7 W- h. v2 R& U
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ ^* v5 |. ~0 O7 r+ a你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道, ^: ?  y3 s7 h2 [- Y: V
就和用中文写一次" R3 \; V4 f) F( F/ R. n: `" ~
阿,我爱你
0 {- v* b/ R( |. ]: h你让我心跳好快) Q- |$ r- k# h1 i  |# O2 L/ [& f
你让我脸发热
6 A- N. g! ?- P4 b6 t我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 q( W: n% ]+ R. j. gXXXXX3 \$ I+ u7 S$ E7 Y# M8 d$ S
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 b7 l6 L2 R8 @3 e0 L- E! Z2 I7 i3 V
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca., J- q1 n: v/ y. ?( Z- _9 P: A
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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