我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
- d$ x+ x' T$ x+ v# {
  ?/ ~  y! @$ N; x2 \& |I fell in love with you
3 M/ z, e- ^2 q& \" r7 v+ \( Z) FAt the first week we met
; O# X* X+ [% y, j
You have charm, you have looks
( ]+ a# D" C5 T/ Zwith full of pimples in face
6 y! L( g; o8 M5 c0 X- V8 ]4 uAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
+ Q) p& F& A  v3 v. _And that’s good for a kiss
. {$ I& p6 [" g( }( d3 c6 zYour body is chubby
* V9 N6 V8 d0 A6 @! C* n% k, FAnd that is good for sex

' S2 L/ m0 T$ m9 eI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
* y  X( N. ~* K9 L* T- SAnd I think all girls sound like
7 H; L8 Q8 h/ S  {3 U  R
( B! ~! V- v4 w5 `, T7 G. `You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
3 a) x) r- R' P5 n+ Z3 t/ @+ {Eating with sound is a pig
8 g# D2 U$ M" k8 K5 `5 c- d
; H9 Z5 Q! c; x. z) E9 Z/ DI fell in love with you
- d$ H9 U7 d3 W* u3 LBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
# d/ ~" w1 x  I# Z8 n0 ^( y! v
- u; |' |% }  Oyou are deeply in love
0 P* ^! W# Q% X3 r1 o9 GEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
( _$ r9 W# S9 h7 t9 N( XMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
/ {% s" i% t5 K/ z
0 |! ~- X% d% wunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
" V6 Y3 J2 I* @, d3 Band I am seriously hurt
/ V0 O8 d0 p3 G+ f3 J& {
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 O' R, U% `  w8 x- Umy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 v/ ]" Q$ S) e' Y$ P咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
3 D% D, I% S& r9 }9 W- Ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; w: E+ b& h. q. }. X% W4 QAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
8 w  @* @; j, u6 ~9 h
; ~) _5 n  X8 K2 @5 m8 Twith the charm,
with the simles.
) w5 i8 }) h$ _I fell in love with you
4 G( G& P' W' q% f7 t) J* U+ HIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
; u- G- x) v6 [: i2 w& e
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
, U7 |. L; ]- D+ r) TYour body is so sexy
  P6 U' w  s8 f; w  Q/ AAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
: u4 l- X) W* uEverything from you is so charming
! |' p0 e  X$ j  \0 Kalthough You r so picky for me
# y; Y( K* a" v  z. B* t- TAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
8 Y2 D0 d7 Q: c/ M; D

! k$ q8 |: d8 V7 J: V- ]/ {- `$ Z  QHis hello is the end of her endings
% M9 x& E& q: m& m* FHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
7 m) E% N4 [0 G) ?His forever is simply as her smile
8 h2 e9 M' o  D: M% p8 W  `7 M* p) FHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
7 Z$ V+ s2 s: O% H3 H% rShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
, f) c1 w, l- m" c8 M1 D" ^& GI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
& J/ \9 J( P, j" {1 V
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

& `& b" Y- M/ c) B% {It's amazing how I felt
- G& y5 M: D; [+ }8 P4 w+ w- z8 c6 iwhen I was with you
6 g  c. b, N0 J7 j3 n3 c5 fMy heart beat so fast
# `9 P/ S2 h+ X6 s& `I looked at you and thought
/ j1 u$ t, U- ^3 n4 O6 lHoly Jesus, you were so cute
4 B* y7 n8 S0 T; R7 `+ R/ Q
You left me without a word
& m6 J0 _8 w7 w+ k* KI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
, @4 b. H" m! T; Y# e
Feelings bite my heart
0 N8 w* g* A: N' e9 lYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
- _7 J. m: J- L$ E& `I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) |* x  l6 j+ d! z: q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
6 ?* V$ E' w0 C3 \* |8 B9 S& Z阿,我爱你
" R+ `* M0 W/ F" y0 a你让我心跳好快
, K3 c" _1 S0 Y7 U你让我脸发热
6 p9 r; S! w7 M) ^1 b  V( x# C我爱上你的大嘴唇
. n% k! r% T: j0 x* hXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 k% a6 J: Y4 E3 G$ r* d
: _4 Z  A1 E( S. ^0 M' u  l0 Q6 p如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
6 g* i+ N  M% h5 ^. ~& K  p闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& z) e  e' d" s3 K) o9 D& e. X. U你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
3 X) f: F% }" d- ]9 k9 Q8 v我爱上你的大嘴唇
# I, r# |; w% g- ^XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( m. n* B5 N  a4 `; q/ q% X
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。