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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love" m3 e) }# J( d

" _1 B! d/ P  ~0 h4 O' R/ lI fell in love with you # W7 Q$ x8 |8 J7 h# _: ^
At the first week we met
9 R' m6 q; e: N, i, c! r+ [
& U  t- T9 s0 D5 B/ N! V! K; x: sYou have charm, you have looks% T& P+ z' E' W% J
with full of pimples in face
3 _8 Q/ U2 l* A8 a* U  k/ O, iAs spotting sky at a summer night) `) c8 _2 [! S' J3 @% ~$ N9 R
They are shining stars
; Z& s+ I  W& C# ?( {4 v/ b- P; h
1 |7 Q- h. U. t/ d- }( QYour lip is so big
6 G" X" o# g  A) Y# \And that’s good for a kiss
3 _9 ^+ T% @8 j% q! I. x+ lYour body is chubby. o! \: q9 x# O5 q, t# E+ d
And that is good for sex+ y; G5 s" }  H$ {& D' m' }

- f, z& C# n# Q5 P' {I was deeply in love3 B# t- C( }0 m4 ^1 A% q6 z
Everything from you is positive0 ~: P( ~2 E7 i& E$ e
You blame me everything and everyday
. t3 }  U' f) O  u$ u& F. `, \And I think all girls sound like4 J  A+ g& @. @* {0 I; K

& ~! O& L& ^- H6 a7 F$ @9 |You could not stand my eating4 [6 k8 p7 P9 U1 Z
Saying no good for making funny sound6 A! V. P4 _) }
I think you are perfectly right
- A+ a6 W7 r$ p* r& o  mEating with sound is a pig
- _) W5 x0 @/ D' P+ x0 v+ \* i% k+ k
I fell in love with you
! z0 S9 t$ Q+ ~7 }. O+ r+ LBecome a fool to think
8 S) t  A2 u) Z0 ?& a$ bAll trouble things you did
( y# U$ ~4 X+ w' I# {And that is the price for love
' ^( F) H; g7 D) I, N0 O+ |  m7 ?9 p$ U
you are deeply in love* E" T& o' L3 h
Everything from me is negative. h( }# `  |; ]& v' v0 R# T
"My man should be like this,6 Z) i, z+ ~3 I
and I am helping you to improve'1 p" B4 Z0 e3 |
9 {( C1 q9 d5 N7 K5 H/ c+ l
You are loving me
* s* [; B. }; r) z% Z. vor that one in your mind?- g& G2 w' g. J
My mind is like a mud
( A# |+ I, M, F0 w- u3 S: Gcan be shaped whatever you want
" W  d2 K; V7 x" Y) p0 @
! {4 x3 D; b3 n1 y3 i4 Z  dunfortunalety not my heart
* K( k" ?2 r. g  _It is slashed by you 9 i2 M' O& L0 l( F- H$ y/ C
and I am seriously hurt8 y4 `, N) D" `5 q, i" L

9 _2 D4 i6 }' {: G% vI will never love another
7 p& n  `/ }* l' BIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
) `5 z1 N# V" ^4 B  F$ `8 t" }my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

$ x! i2 ^3 {* f* j8 z, ?
$ G3 P1 s' [$ g" P咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!% B2 L" _, g" {: P/ w5 _
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
' H1 |& n* W, `! v( q+ Ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 S  g+ l/ ?3 X# [And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed+ W, S5 w' R. T" a# a9 ]% ?
" F3 v4 ]+ p, T2 P1 w/ }% f
with the charm,; \/ T0 \# |& l0 p
with the simles./ ?" w1 a6 h6 q4 z5 J% v
I fell in love with you * g) i* {; `  N4 q6 U
In the first sign.
+ {9 [2 D% U& \As spotting sky at a summer
; W# r" q; G- s/ x% |0 L
8 j4 V7 j$ @( R# Q& CYour lip is so soft 8 i5 Y% d& u; u  U# C% S; L
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ J! m9 J- p1 Y9 XYour body is so sexy$ o" O. l0 E; |! A: S% f
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* v& q' ]  N9 p) J5 V3 X6 j4 k  f, S

- ^! I* Y0 n! n; \3 P: M3 J) M& kI am deeply in love  ]5 S7 n. I# l$ j4 o
Everything from you is so charming
0 \* |7 T- N. U2 u/ p* h5 Lalthough You r so picky for me 0 Y4 f0 P5 a  U6 ?0 Q/ i
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.) T% M% N' P( J0 j
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem9 u) d9 H, H9 O; u

% P) F2 ~$ h4 F, x2 ~* Y7 H! S' j2 H% i: B# D& T
His hello is the end of her endings
: c0 j  ~" Z8 H1 ~% n1 D- _Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
6 {8 T6 t( C/ H9 rHis hand would be hers to hold forever6 X: k2 n/ T' s  l0 p
His forever is simply as her smile ) H1 r# Y& p2 f" x7 c0 T# v% h+ p
He said she was what was missing
9 @7 \1 Z2 t& q. {5 h1 _& ?She said instantly she knew
- q+ q5 I4 _7 G6 J! T/ k0 I0 t# F6 o; iShe was a question to be answered
2 m0 F+ P- A" S) H4 U' n: ^$ [6 L  EAnd his answer is
) F0 n6 A& I0 o6 l+ JI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
- C. c$ d1 O% U9 E
1 f# k& H+ a2 `1 e8 SBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
; w: T" a: K7 o: a+ ~5 k. ^8 Q* H
) ~: f% D3 t! _/ v. @  s/ _4 tIt's amazing how I felt 4 w2 \0 @6 a- h1 d
when I was with you, q+ N$ l( \' v: o! n+ z4 E
My heart beat so fast
8 ^; o, U7 ?* f6 K; [I looked at you and thought
. t; m; q8 s3 s" q+ @! _Holy Jesus, you were so cute6 b7 O- Z& M- f7 k6 H. E

% Q* P2 w. `( {% Z+ Y( ~3 X+ |0 _You left me without a word' g" v' s" {3 E. W- @* \- |
I have nothing except my emptiness
( r  n+ o, ?7 D5 K$ C% A* BMy mood is like a cloud
/ L' M8 J) u. a0 I1 x, HHow could it be dispersed?; D. {6 ?4 m5 p3 a7 A4 e2 O

7 L5 c  F6 E7 u# ]6 n; bFeelings bite my heart
+ R: C; K  w  a- h) PYou are the right one I wait
2 ?5 u3 J- X7 c) vIn the depth of my soul( H' f* v2 Z( P! e6 N1 t
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. c. [1 ]! l( r2 j你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 v# ^  g% Q# ]# b& B就和用中文写一次9 G0 a2 x0 ~( _$ c; ]: f% L* l% h6 Z
阿,我爱你
; n; h; o) Q& y$ J; X, K9 ]/ t你让我心跳好快
. N$ ?: e0 W+ c  i" G: k- |你让我脸发热
0 s% Y& R+ {; G5 t. M# J" y我爱上你的大嘴唇6 s& k( b; w' i8 _# n( ?0 y  H6 s
XXXXX2 Y& D6 q% b' @( Q) j
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( I# a- n- d2 `! Q1 v! U2 ^3 M& @5 U+ S1 o) G( B3 R. ?
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER$ |3 ~1 s2 v/ T- [- u( ?0 C
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: R# `) v6 p  Q2 u/ V3 ^闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" X: b1 S9 \  O$ K7 u
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道# h0 B9 K2 Q9 [2 a% W  @; j
就和用中文写一次
# {% ]% R8 O8 F  F阿,我爱你
4 g7 m2 b- F) a3 v1 x% j3 \& u你让我心跳好快' y% Q) o! h$ P' n" y+ O
你让我脸发热" G* B& M" c; K  I2 o% O: D
我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 i0 z, U) w$ M0 E/ ^% TXXXXX4 `- w6 n2 k% j- o5 E
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 _: g5 m& a6 M9 [/ G8 i/ A
. _& I7 r# K& z- |; ]* z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca., i0 ?, r( F0 V0 f
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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