我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
9 B; q/ o5 c  E" ^1 a/ L
3 K6 `: |2 }# b4 T- uYou have charm, you have looks
9 @  Z7 f. f( P8 @- M' p8 u- n' swith full of pimples in face
" L9 }  q& m& bAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
* l  U  @. `( U
0 v4 f  g$ R' W0 }( D* P; AYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

# s& N8 L  C$ m7 f6 V) q0 jI was deeply in love
0 g9 e. [; E' i3 C4 jEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
& Z$ y& P- F* |1 W1 W6 o! gAnd I think all girls sound like
2 E( ~0 s  t0 e- \0 I- f* r7 F
2 o4 n. e8 e" n' G4 o- F% ~You could not stand my eating
9 L8 F, A9 L; ]; r6 Y0 I! J9 w; \! m9 SSaying no good for making funny sound
3 f( A: g/ J! T7 KI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
1 m% T7 {) r7 }
( p6 }: U4 n1 M+ ^7 n7 zI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
5 |$ x) j1 N# {3 w1 U+ p5 X
: k" o( H4 ?0 N- ~, c+ qyou are deeply in love
( O4 g  W: s- `% c  J; OEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
$ n8 d: g/ g* H' B7 `+ J9 k- uand I am helping you to improve'
2 x- h& J- }& m1 G3 w. s
You are loving me
, b1 ~% q0 D, ~1 T  |or that one in your mind?
( @- ]* |' j' nMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
4 S7 `$ \7 s3 s4 h  n: T6 u0 a
unfortunalety not my heart
% [2 c  q3 _+ C* BIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
$ o; {1 ~/ k; i9 v) fi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 A# b$ C1 k' T5 z+ j
# i1 \. i4 p) ]9 @/ e8 l4 L) X" ]with the charm,
with the simles.
1 v9 N+ q! V7 v/ mI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
  c% |' r! {+ ~/ ^+ f' ]: s4 u
) E5 k" Y, n' M6 Z& Q3 [1 gYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 K4 N" q* `8 i' g- X# h2 nYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
, M+ x  H0 n7 Halthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
6 R/ d- y5 P4 x) y+ L$ s& {
4 \- {4 N& u: C; `  `3 \
# b/ E- w' O+ n3 C" JHis hello is the end of her endings
$ C, u- {5 c2 HHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
' ~2 \5 B2 E0 B2 p5 b% SHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
! L% \( k6 q. ^2 X# [' eShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
+ x( p. C1 x2 m4 }' AAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
6 x2 L7 f1 C+ y1 P; Z2 G' ^& w
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

1 I; G3 j1 G" tIt's amazing how I felt
+ L- I( Y* ]6 G$ ?$ g3 g+ i+ awhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
7 c5 }* z' c( x" x2 AI looked at you and thought
, N6 d6 ]  Y- |" RHoly Jesus, you were so cute
% g6 k! A% _6 ~" k' g" c; ^
) ]" a  Z1 I  I; u+ W  m/ jYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
1 V8 A( o' Q4 d$ vMy mood is like a cloud
! y9 O; r$ ^* E$ v# SHow could it be dispersed?
  v+ V- s5 c8 u+ J
. J2 a$ m0 k; A1 g9 XFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
8 ?' q; w+ F/ r5 a, H! E7 b2 _7 rIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 i7 r: f2 e& {7 I( O6 G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
$ f7 W2 B: q8 T  a& P! ?3 O1 U9 ?0 ~4 k就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
2 h( F+ Q5 ~6 w3 c) }' Y7 h) H我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
1 d/ E# j. C+ r! c3 l不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
0 C1 l  k! ]! c+ J% T
0 K1 C( O  i( i* p如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
1 f/ x* p* W6 d7 l阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
; z5 U/ d* [$ s3 Q* j! P+ R4 O不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) Z6 U$ V  e1 w$ O
3 I6 Y4 W3 D0 b& C* q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。