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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
9 q- i+ k! _5 F% jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get' ^. z j2 _' v- L" E# N8 x
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:! W" J. a- |& o7 V. y$ e7 ]
* ]# J! _: M* |9 t/ wFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a! F& i% d; X4 j
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# z2 I+ ^$ C3 o, [# Uam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25) c, a# b# a g/ l$ q/ l
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
- N" r2 I/ {' \1 ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer/ v; Q, c/ D5 f6 r# L6 \( n8 Y
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
1 A u1 o& n+ w5 h, Tinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
- y+ n( A3 g4 C, d- B/ ~- j, uencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.' k8 N( T& R/ d3 |* t' z5 g' R
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MONDAY:$ E4 l, l1 {8 i3 |
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
: F" g6 T) U3 R$ V% G) \worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for; e- H6 F1 j, `
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing {1 b* m2 x3 p: J' x6 @
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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; }+ M! t( `& J _She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 |1 ]1 X" z1 d6 L: I x
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
- o' c" B1 R. t* uin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
5 x9 u8 x4 x; A5 iwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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n$ t, F9 ]7 W( Y ]Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
/ b4 u. _9 C6 S/ m9 B6 I& O4 balthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she1 J& @' B& y9 ?( [
was around.2 H- n& u9 W; ^8 j$ ?
y% w# `/ K/ D# y/ d0 `; V9 jThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!1 _5 \6 }6 f c# h0 ~2 j0 @
9 b% l( E1 o# Q2 z mTUESDAY:
" O& I, Z: E$ k$ iI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.- H Q5 R, R' b1 g- C
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
8 L5 P9 g" g& l6 Kand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the& j9 _' l% D4 W8 E% S: @
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
) R" T% J6 }$ M6 I b: Fall worthwhile.
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' c- b( F2 Z9 s/ m& I- V* \1 UI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:+ u6 Z! `/ R& ~7 g P4 Z* H. p1 c
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
( o6 [3 X2 `5 J# f o* @the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have' @* S' _5 s1 d
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to4 k% J& X9 }; K r
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams; g- _: x# }1 p( p
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
# g% P- C$ a6 E" E6 Kearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine$ _. [( W8 e, ^' T6 r
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so! J+ Y1 K& ] w9 V1 R; {# y- c
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a; g& q+ ]- i% A( E
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
4 q' d) P4 |8 o% S2 r3 d7 Ltold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.6 t) Y- t/ c" ^- H% Y
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
/ w4 D9 O# a4 Y5 pBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as' j; K6 F3 ]5 D0 s
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help( v) ~3 u4 i/ X4 J7 l
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda! \2 ~3 _+ X8 q; G7 S0 |
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and7 D. b$ P9 o& b1 e5 v
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing8 Y0 Z1 Y% W' k$ L0 O
machine -- which I sank.1 m) n9 a+ K! e3 [
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FRIDAY:
Z( R" L% d; ?6 y" U9 ~I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated: N0 Z# s# M; \- l! |
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
7 H* A/ h% k' q1 V8 ?8 qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I& G( _& I4 Z) e1 K5 \7 s" q
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda1 O6 D& D- k& J6 \; d J# a
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!7 {: u( Z) y h- Z& R
% q! V/ Q [: J, AAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me/ e1 T# e# I8 o
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.) G4 }7 X: y+ F4 O
0 y% A3 z; n$ r* AThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition, w) ~2 e2 C# v) Y' Y# ?6 I
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach) _; L* e4 p4 q9 V- M3 v& j& T
or the choir director?# q: k' |: _! s
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SATURDAY:5 Q# g( r. D- P
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
% k) h8 N7 ]" M- Z- ishrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her9 K1 V+ n5 o; i4 \
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the9 N" T* Q Y8 O" T3 e
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight/ k) q2 O6 w, B
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:* u; l3 V }) H, v+ z1 u
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go/ ?; s& ~& i7 z: M8 M
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,4 ?% N; I" A% l5 |) I1 T5 _! ~) h
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
6 [. ~- j+ f J4 p* ua root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
