WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
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4 D0 I% @' S9 B' ^6 ]( @9 ?For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 U) B, n9 o) u1 @& W( ^* y- mam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
0 I; |4 i% N" I6 b' _( x1 \years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
  z7 V) C1 E/ m# r% x2 Xtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 l: _2 _1 Y" W7 K/ v! V: I2 ^instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
" W# D3 \) X) a+ \encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

* E7 A. s8 Q$ `, J7 F- G. N+ g# qStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 g$ S9 S# J2 K* t( A: U1 Fworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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/ }5 i. R8 j. s1 y4 d4 V; MShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

' v* a0 i6 h% Z0 K& a* Z) XVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

9 L: S! c9 P3 K5 J( M0 fTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 F/ u! D( U, p2 }Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
- q* ~, ~: H$ D6 T; J* ?! rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
  M2 ^( U6 L% j6 Ttreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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' s* Z+ F9 G. O! m5 }; O7 u7 J* MI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
3 q7 C9 R: o$ b% D7 S* _the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
! }: t( u- J" Z, c; B/ ea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
& U/ T1 x  s) ^# _9 Qbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
8 t3 A: F# ?. B; w2 [2 @0 [Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 J" O' v; [2 T% B1 Z& Bbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
: U) [+ g  ?1 K1 ]1 fhid in the men's room.
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/ r6 f7 b* @4 ]She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
2 T( Q- k- a0 j9 Y: \/ |machine -- which I sank.
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1 q5 N8 V- C3 m7 H9 q& w8 x( CFRIDAY:
: p! a) V- @. s& y) \I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
  ~. G9 B5 H) ~4 ]any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

9 c; H8 R- }7 B1 ?And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

) E; u  e/ i* I( l9 l3 l8 R# [The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

( U2 R5 O' p1 S# E. X- vSATURDAY:
/ k6 J  H; m7 |. u6 @9 ^Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
$ s1 a5 l5 l; E& ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
: Z: m  X. d% I5 v8 R3 I' pmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" p+ f( G$ L" |. Estrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 @# V% A- {1 C9 G: }% [0 I0 Ahours of the Weather Channel.
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  U8 X2 _6 f" ~) jSUNDAY:
; N3 U7 Z/ w8 w5 GI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
. T" }* x8 e- b7 Band thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
' G* @0 k" ]/ Bmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.