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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something- }# U8 \2 E& ^* [: P
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get- k- S+ |# m/ [0 ^& m8 Y/ t L
into a regular workout routine." x6 Z) V% l. p$ w4 d ~* i/ V: r
x Q4 @0 p% C/ w( ]8 o9 |Dear Diary:4 K4 p8 @0 A l1 c# e6 F9 V0 ]9 _) b2 C V
3 d- D5 d, k3 HFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
) ?% _* \- q6 f2 ^9 Fweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I1 E+ S1 ?1 B S2 ^
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# w( n2 X) V; D, q8 w; n' _) Myears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a: L* K+ t3 z" ^$ e) D
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
1 K; a. c- Y% Cnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics' Y* k3 }! c( m; t; P) ]( P/ \# p' X
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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& u/ m) N. ?3 P* E& |4 MMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club1 ]! Q6 k# L6 C; B
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.; N4 S2 @ i4 s4 O5 |1 U
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' Y% |. o6 n' ~) k1 L9 }3 }9 ?worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for+ L4 \0 G- S6 h8 a* B
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing+ d1 E! m9 o2 }
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!2 A0 d9 r' l: S
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
3 ]3 D9 D: {4 A; ]that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her1 k! y0 y8 y4 G' `
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
1 U3 z1 R7 V0 Rwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.7 _: n% u. t# w. Z% }
9 p/ }. N& |; }6 g( }Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
! N* o4 D! Z7 ^4 h( y0 x2 galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
g E& t: K9 kwas around.
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9 Z. D5 @& V. R6 R2 r) RThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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3 L" t1 ]8 k% D- N( D% hTUESDAY:6 E5 K$ F/ ]4 K5 |8 y- d9 h) u
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.0 p2 V ?' e) }3 ?. E
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,; ~0 M' \; C1 b: ], l. `+ _
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the# }# F4 g% J9 ~0 }' `6 }& }
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
) \0 n# H8 l* C% s$ _/ v. xall worthwhile.* q# D" w! a3 h* S2 W1 `! J5 q& @, [
* @, _( Z' L. ]9 xI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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6 P) u7 a8 e; V! F( v4 PWEDNESDAY:3 g0 B1 C. _% e7 l9 @
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
& f$ u2 D- p0 B& C* m: R" Y" sthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 P. h* ^/ v( Ea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to: K8 B+ a R9 M* G- D
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
. |7 d& {/ g+ H. ~. t% H7 sbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for. f4 U* J2 c. C% m, |. g" u- ~
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
" p' g# c$ M. @' J9 l) z' k E# sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
" e; a7 i; q8 s0 kBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a( T' Q1 |$ w! ]# f9 T
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
" a( }1 h; f' C* U+ ftold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.( X z8 v. g5 \; ^ r9 O! x# _
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She said some other shit too.4 F& d5 {3 k5 v# n3 T/ p
" n, `0 Q0 Z2 G L& mTHURSDAY:" Q# c9 Z1 l: |
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as9 |% _; C. G1 p# G
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
7 U6 r O' N8 I9 X( l$ Kbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
# N, q/ k' z! j: o9 `# P N& Utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and6 B3 \9 E- _# j$ c, r
hid in the men's room.4 g/ L7 }# t. b+ G/ B! M4 E
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing# d0 q3 f( c0 c7 _
machine -- which I sank.0 U, I2 @) \ @
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FRIDAY:6 T5 m9 D, j( Z
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated2 q* _9 [2 C" \; D) o* U, H
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
7 ^8 \5 h* Z) ~& Sanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
/ ]8 M: ^) ^4 C" Vcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda* s2 r5 P$ {! n
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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& t! |, C& e* B O* [! r/ aAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me( S) P' U7 O2 V% ^4 Q3 v
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.1 v) N# ^ z( v4 l
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition2 ]* Z, O0 s* h: W3 W4 Z: |
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
3 T" V0 t, \6 ]& Vor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:' I' P, _5 |* s: @1 G# U: J
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,: X: M0 j+ }3 a6 o7 G* l
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her& }$ b" u6 \2 }4 x* k; [
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, k h) H& q9 S$ s* gstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight, Q+ @& ^% l% Q# }* i7 C
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
+ T6 p: X3 T$ U! |6 CI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
% S w) w3 ]: r1 h* [) s* Rand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. c h8 M4 ]: s0 k8 ~ j1 [my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like0 {: A/ ~3 ^+ ^0 B H6 i2 `+ h
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
