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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
: D# p3 Z: S+ i K5 Iwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get! H6 Y' _) p1 p! |2 _' U8 p0 `& I
into a regular workout routine.
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# ^2 L3 h5 q1 W8 u3 bDear Diary:2 Z: s9 R, w; @+ U6 n8 q% S6 q
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a4 b( j& _- v- Y! X" v- g9 n
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
7 g( T" |2 Z: a) Y9 T! Yam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 256 U) {7 X/ m8 p4 {% ?2 L
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a6 a; w& G* G; B
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer+ \4 u7 m- I' s" J I) I- `
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics6 c9 l5 P5 V/ R1 X1 _- n: r& R
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
: T6 d ^# h: O# yencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:1 g! u6 F$ d+ [1 S/ j5 i
6 s. j5 \) ]0 ]4 n, q' @Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
6 h+ w; _( T, O9 f) G: u5 u( Hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for. @' ]* J6 k8 i: h2 s H& H2 T
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
( {0 ]3 a' z* I" N& meyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!/ Y4 n F* S% I2 B1 O$ n8 w$ G& N
/ R5 M- y; W; Q# jShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed8 H0 z P- j. y: y- ]
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her( ?& N9 k, E; C0 T$ r, g; D
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# S L5 B% Z# S" Swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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0 r3 E( ^3 Z( r& p NVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
- x, l1 m) \6 K* u7 ?) O0 Ualthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! w- |1 c! U5 w1 I$ Vwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:& O P1 c; d+ f/ Z! t5 O' a
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.' e: O$ k+ j" p+ v7 u* N
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,, O# j/ S& p. q. ^
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ m/ Z. O+ W6 l* Y4 Ktreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it8 \1 V6 y8 p' [7 O; g. l9 g, }' K2 y
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.( @: F0 E( n0 _) a0 g
3 p) D: K9 E, R; t9 g# mWEDNESDAY:& [# |1 t- ?$ D5 ~
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
" T! s( p4 ^* gthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
! Z2 z& Q8 v2 s% L' Aa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to* y8 k$ x# b$ Z/ J6 N
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams2 c9 n' j/ ^% l
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
) H+ Q9 `8 h* dearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
+ ^! c! i4 a- e" m! `5 athat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so# f3 @# E G& j0 o
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a" e' h% h8 Q, d1 ?) m
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
& A" Y4 C2 X# v E; Atold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.4 _0 I0 ~5 R g. x/ W- m
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She said some other shit too.
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2 q* H+ n4 s: f/ wTHURSDAY:
1 Q; Y7 z6 z/ H. s; {( P8 B* X( IBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
# X! T7 n/ ~' _1 [% O) ?& q- F/ Oher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
. e1 t9 f7 r# F ^4 `0 Q; R' x5 bbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda/ `* u! y H7 R5 i y8 M; t2 }
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and( n4 T+ k1 G/ F9 J
hid in the men's room.
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/ F- i+ }: k* a8 G8 FShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing; x, ]' c$ U4 x: d3 U8 _
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:- o0 a {: l: ?; _" \1 ^' L
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated% n! k) L1 p! V4 s4 e+ s( W/ `
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,. U" {; @$ d% `( V# l0 |: X; d B# X
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I. n Q1 |0 B+ a0 ], Q; W8 @, f. K& H
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda; Z, Y# L* q6 h9 Q7 a) ]- `: _6 g
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
2 Z3 ^3 C9 y) P+ vthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.( N& @- w# T$ A; y
7 A1 N0 P: S. {4 MThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 |( [0 V3 `, Z' }4 R6 q, g3 _
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
/ M: ^# V; s; [7 K$ gor the choir director?$ V. v: [7 ?' b9 o
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SATURDAY:/ ]' }1 }3 u* J) `! b0 ^
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
" C' q4 q+ l5 u7 j9 E) Y& kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her% O) D5 g+ f$ I* V+ s+ X+ z# i
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
0 |1 l/ R: s6 @strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
) x. m/ N* M4 Q2 x2 }$ b0 Uhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:; k# m& i5 a1 H0 Z
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go7 g5 f; @2 I0 _! O) p
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,$ x- Y0 _# G) C2 v& I' T/ b: b( ~
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 w: W: X2 R' O3 b) A# s5 {a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
