WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
5 U1 x% ~* O' n  \5 x1 O8 y) `wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
- n  i' H" u9 @( U
# M! ^! D6 M6 C; yDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
  O# T- ?3 V/ uam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
, Z8 f& p6 K5 _1 a! M5 f5 Z6 {6 Uyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 v2 W; G6 b  ?, O1 m. U8 unamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
8 F9 e; c  J% w- ~" Y. q# t% [
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) P, o+ R/ Y' k/ Z9 T6 F& @( N6 eeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
0 }' x3 q: V+ ?3 }' [2 E
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
' z  N9 A2 a7 d" r5 e; H+ F! C6 Pin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
. e+ g. k3 M/ x0 L/ t. y  w3 Swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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0 q* e7 O; T+ g) RTUESDAY:
; r  T" d* u1 V( O7 WI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
/ K8 D" Y: g7 w- ?4 N5 bBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
$ r, `! o. k- d  G9 P5 rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
2 H: [' w" P# |: D4 u. xall worthwhile.
- ~) q7 K" k' U8 u0 u- W! l
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
% |9 ?: F6 x4 I$ h, r
) r/ P! |+ O$ m$ H: }9 W: xWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
! g" `* Z' g0 [  Lthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
6 S3 N$ {5 e/ q4 a! W7 d! z9 xbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
8 O1 h) Y6 L" R$ @6 ?  Searly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
5 w- u+ }/ D+ V% y# ^- e  Tthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* j/ s$ c5 u1 K( y$ V! ^6 Y( Kmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
% M/ s, i; y' E: v7 X9 hBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
% j% }0 K" q% G6 b. Y; b# ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
9 u, L5 K1 H. Q% c3 f6 k$ N* Q5 R8 Rbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
0 b- Y  O, i! N9 X3 u( }* [took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
* O& e6 _: p; P+ ?5 J) W
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

/ I, j" X. i; f) D" m- V; MFRIDAY:
) \. ?! A+ A- @5 \% Y2 u4 NI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
0 E$ M( a( F% U  N8 Dany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

' z6 E: m- k: I) ~& K: NThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- d" Z* z/ W1 }/ ?, V6 sor the choir director?
5 A' d  e/ b# ?  i9 x! G; d
0 s6 b* V" i+ x0 k2 mSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
6 ~$ e. |' t+ K1 Xmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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- ~, s  I$ C" C6 Y- BSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
, {) F/ t5 _8 c2 Q& Smy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
3 R4 ?$ t4 Y% l9 [8 R" Ca root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.