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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 p5 x* f5 `$ @ u+ X! Y5 b! fwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get+ _% \2 A0 I$ m
into a regular workout routine.
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+ P+ U1 X2 \& V5 k3 ~& b. ODear Diary:# x0 @6 g2 u6 Y
6 x4 B/ m5 F S2 D" i/ I! TFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' g# m+ m Z' `8 z8 g4 }week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I! R3 J5 M! h" z6 G8 Q
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25& ^$ n, H# U: j7 K& c# C
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 {, [; }! p, Ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
0 s/ y, U* Q" N" `: }named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 H- j+ u- c; _( I, Q7 o& Hinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.8 y" m& d2 P6 p5 i
$ F. V( O( ?. a0 x' FMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club/ ?, D9 d8 |& x* x1 o' w' F
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:. M7 ^9 z* Y1 a; o
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well: \0 R1 Y) d0 @
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for5 i o# }! K; b$ j# |% C. J
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing+ T$ v7 T6 h/ A$ L1 L0 {4 n
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!9 R. F' w- m! s, [# E' P0 f
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
, A, Z M$ m. D( X2 o& [that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her9 ?% a2 e; K2 ^3 K* e. C+ ?2 I: M
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
7 g7 H8 E7 A8 swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.& s2 j9 ]5 b& A, @% v! z9 [
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,: ?4 Q( m6 M) G* A
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she" _' [+ E1 M; g3 [2 @) I8 A* S
was around.4 C* ]$ y" q2 P
/ Z7 b/ V: C: C" i3 c6 qThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:0 D& X W2 r* u5 H+ h
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
0 w2 Q0 @. y4 S& oBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, Q% R& a% S; A& |: G9 |and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the& W" U9 s0 `% r
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it- O2 B: K- W7 ]2 ?+ w
all worthwhile.
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" G/ Z8 _' m: f1 x$ `I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
! y. q- ?3 o* f& o* F2 B2 C6 HThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on: B- N/ G/ K. @2 r, d5 T( b
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have4 `2 C/ [" i1 f
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" I* k) H5 W$ N; C# X) R9 S) q! |8 X1 ysteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams) v' ~3 x# k" b% J, A
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
% Y2 D1 @3 p+ ?3 e$ j; pearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ p* L* G' U- bthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
3 m! j! i7 p8 p5 ZBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a, i* b4 C, J# }: A; h
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
& z$ }! U% u p& `- f5 k6 n+ E. Ytold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.: @* w q, d! U1 `% n9 r
7 h I1 P6 r+ [THURSDAY:$ ^: |! w$ K5 v, n
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as7 B6 _+ W0 O; v. Q2 U9 D) C
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help3 L$ D, Y0 [9 `
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda. O. u6 W- M) k0 c. s% _
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and( K# ?9 U" P x6 K, @
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing4 s. b" o; t5 I5 ]
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
" m: z3 `+ W7 e) q0 _' }$ g: ^ OI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated) S) M% ?5 w7 ^$ S. B
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,/ [: \ m& a; l* I
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
; l; x' v; Q) Y7 Rcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
; k; ?" e) b' d6 swanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!- W L+ i, u# } S* s9 }
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
6 \. P" C$ t* D* Ithe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.) k9 ~5 k* U1 i6 i
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition" b z. C5 O& y& q7 s
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' _6 N( }+ M2 z; ]or the choir director?' I+ Q* [# x- O! \3 e+ ~& e+ h7 c
) b; t/ y1 q' p& G8 S+ ISATURDAY:
, f9 S9 f3 r) o) t# N. _ L. J" HBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
z+ n. m- C9 j% f7 v# X1 j. C( g) ushrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
! z. M/ B7 u+ G2 Y: P- Cmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
0 I4 D% }5 D4 i2 _# }1 z( ostrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight0 n' X# t. c: n$ a) c& b
hours of the Weather Channel.7 ~8 ^* P/ [& a f. m( t
6 D* s3 {8 P5 p$ tSUNDAY:
6 w5 M1 v- O9 G% E) C" D! ~1 T. a- YI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go( Z, {/ M' A6 e; v( J# v
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
: o8 Y* m, c2 {$ a* G2 jmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- y& Y! T" z9 ?+ U( k7 d% Sa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
