WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
) Z* i: O0 _1 I2 `0 @% N2 ]
Dear Diary:
3 _! f' l" |# C4 f9 X
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
: n% J# P# K4 B, V2 N7 O" d& mweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 P- n& s1 y: Z: |2 qnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
8 e0 p/ A: m: f5 @2 _( {
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
' H: P: R- t2 s! X3 I8 d& ?9 Sencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

% E5 B5 g) T# ?& I9 I. HMONDAY:

& u: D9 f% m# p1 b2 {8 O. m+ ^; BStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
$ h! \" U% g4 f7 d' Ieyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
1 V+ h- ~4 V6 z+ N8 S" S+ sin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
5 i0 ]& C+ A: W( |9 `2 S3 galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. j+ I% ?& Z' n0 I5 W6 Dwas around.
" P9 o0 _' v4 r/ H  L
2 }! q+ b5 Z. S, z( |' kThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
/ S  V+ m' n( W8 r+ @  ^
, e& {: J9 r' Y3 j# p% ~+ mTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
- S3 ]! U3 m: c7 D
WEDNESDAY:
2 e6 f0 j8 k% z  tThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
) @8 w1 p! e) Z9 o6 P, b- }the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* n( C8 d4 R6 n( Z; c  q8 Fbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ ~  ]- X' J1 x9 Eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& D9 z9 {: q# V% Z2 f' p+ z- hBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
  Q6 F9 j% t, L) ]# U( Q  S# ]told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
# {& v% Q; b* Q6 x- ~! T9 o
She said some other shit too.

6 [7 |/ N. X, E6 S: R0 FTHURSDAY:
+ y9 Z: d: s) p- }, x5 hBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 C- z& J5 l5 U% z& U. W) X  Q1 ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
" m: O2 M- B7 i! X  B/ x5 ^8 ]6 Ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
1 W2 O( p7 L! D/ ptook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
- E8 C* P- w0 F* M# m0 E- x6 |hid in the men's room.

/ s2 f/ v) {0 T8 dShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 j% \, F6 w: Mmachine -- which I sank.

/ I6 t+ y: K+ c/ O# _" H2 U$ W& L5 e3 RFRIDAY:
4 F8 B1 L$ R9 P) k1 ZI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
5 F/ P6 V& B: x" s6 d( danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
. Q/ J! T2 Z4 m# Ycould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
% f) r0 a9 G2 G+ w! Y. N
, V9 j4 ]# R# cAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
% O$ P5 Q: F$ S: l$ w1 A2 Othe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
, r8 t$ t; d; N7 o$ @& u5 h8 Bteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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$ @/ d- d# J+ ]/ A# {7 dSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
% ]9 C; x" L6 O. \) [strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
2 n1 x5 L3 ~+ |* h  ~and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
  Q- {/ ^" ?2 @$ F0 G0 {a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.