WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 _! V! G8 B2 ]' i3 J  f9 \3 Gwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
9 u% ~1 m1 \3 }2 F( ?- p3 D0 G  linto a regular workout routine.
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, G+ u. ^6 q# B% C: |( yDear Diary:
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$ B1 ~6 }7 k9 U  \7 J7 [For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
' z% P0 p$ \/ ^) j! a' Ram still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
& W  E& V8 x/ [9 nyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
2 ^' Q) _: X% O" B8 ~# xnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
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3 f5 c- A0 ?) \! T5 c1 |Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
* }7 \$ v/ m  C4 D* d" xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
5 I0 N/ t# x! {eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
8 |6 d' L4 s! s0 ?* h* y4 X' Zin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
! V9 t5 G$ e0 M, Pwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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8 M3 A! `! X+ CVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 `  U% {6 o/ }& Twas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

: _3 K- w* v9 s  }+ z3 V; W5 QTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 f% E0 @: j, L: HBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 G! F  W# M7 n, F, G2 }and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
* w. c6 H* d6 H; ~all worthwhile.
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% B* V% v; E6 P% W1 L$ v  NI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

  }! S/ k! j8 X( @WEDNESDAY:
2 Y" x# S1 o6 ?2 ]3 V& K4 z, \7 a9 TThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
1 r  G6 @) ]0 Vsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
9 Z) e5 x- W- w( cBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 u. [3 ]2 U# nmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
, A1 Y7 k. b9 ~8 C9 }) ztold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
/ D# S+ T0 ]5 w2 yBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
+ q) v6 Z' B4 dher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
9 m. S. C8 t3 G3 F7 l. @7 Mtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
8 |  U2 w# Y! t; Fhid in the men's room.

# H: I/ o" T- z; Y7 _. QShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
$ V: \# H+ V8 A/ y  A" A* omachine -- which I sank.

: i- ^, m+ A$ }FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
- U4 \$ V2 ]( {- danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
7 Y3 O8 v. Q: k3 X  `1 q- Fcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* S$ _6 j0 c; V. k' s( n: u1 S0 Y' {wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! d" ]% D, p& [: g9 Bteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- V- ~7 p# f5 h+ d& z* t: `( E' Bor the choir director?

/ @! ^! M3 B: y) x/ d4 ASATURDAY:
! V7 K$ A# M. P. M; N) y. o4 D5 N! iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
8 j  [' {: H) k! L+ E. jshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
1 c+ `- y4 B2 h* ~( M( h" t) m1 r4 Q  Ymade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
- o% e( N# O* Z. J* hstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.