WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 H: ~0 c! E6 N+ l2 U& S. n' y6 E5 dwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
6 L' h+ x6 D  Q$ j& [* Tinto a regular workout routine.
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5 R$ Y0 j  b, H# E7 n5 z' ODear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" L' h2 P( [* ~% lyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
- \8 u0 b! z- k9 d5 U$ Etry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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8 C( S  H$ P% a9 l% }/ B% IMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
3 O$ N% I  D+ `: A* J' K4 f5 C  wencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
# N+ B" a* x& Q+ J3 [4 geyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ _  m. b9 e# M- J9 F) `in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
  b! |1 m; u1 Pwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

- K5 n6 l" N; v6 W/ u3 s! EVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
6 l! n- K4 b8 b' R( l2 falthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' X  o2 a  H* L- Vwas around.
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4 [/ ]; @0 h, T1 ^, YThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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$ g) {$ b. }% A; P( d/ S! {$ XTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
; \' ?! c' }0 }* m+ QBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
  \, k- K9 h8 h5 [7 r( `+ Hand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
2 N. p2 v; P6 Y
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
# v: @! q0 F* t4 Z; dthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
6 q" W" X. R3 l  G$ Wsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
- s8 U9 ]# \% S% dbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
: I, D/ C% i9 f+ D/ V7 Athat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: |# R/ r! N: k) {  otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
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: l0 C1 ]( V( b3 u6 N' pTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
) D2 d5 a* O  F6 o8 p$ A' kbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
4 k9 `; e1 T6 T7 A7 e/ ~! cI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
& T* \, T9 D, T" z! K! ^; ^* V: ?any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
7 Z  k3 Q; z/ h% bcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
$ T5 P- [; U, F1 s8 K. M1 C+ K) o3 Gthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
! j  p1 @+ n4 q; I
. J2 ]! T8 s6 ^8 k  A; Q. n" cThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! u' z+ `( p+ z4 ]teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
9 w# I4 n7 r1 G  F. K+ ?+ z, W9 vor the choir director?
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. }: `, ~1 O; ZSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
/ Y( X0 i" Z5 o0 oshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
1 M: h" P0 o7 m, @/ \3 p! ihours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
; h' u9 Y7 ?5 ^7 f2 k' y  ^I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
% G7 L1 k  E% L2 L' A5 S' Rand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.