 鲜花( 0)  鸡蛋( 0)
|
If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
$ F/ w% C0 g8 \+ v6 Uwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get5 J% \. v; d5 p0 s s4 _
into a regular workout routine.3 P" R" B6 J; ^1 m- n) M0 B
; \3 m C! F, @: @: A wDear Diary:4 d4 c2 A7 Q0 s. Z
( x |5 M% a. S& x; [! O6 ]
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 R" c" Q* f i/ e/ n
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I4 H! K4 Q$ b* R9 [) e3 M
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
: v* u& c7 X, y9 s. K: O, {& `years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
+ a/ b: K4 z3 F1 I& Otry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer2 o: F# r0 a' [3 L9 j N
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics6 s5 L+ P1 o; g- P8 ^4 c
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear./ | D7 v7 Z1 v0 c2 ^
9 z. U$ f- x6 i! P" m1 g. oMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club5 e2 z% R5 |- g, p
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
3 s# P6 ~( E u1 i( Y/ N% a! d- ~
MONDAY:
( c% O8 b( G [, ]2 ~8 u; I8 b+ L6 I7 t4 b* F/ f$ h2 T
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
! ?, m- T3 x. _$ T. Nworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for1 m/ q! r! E; M. Q) r$ i3 S
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
5 w$ I8 w& ?" T) |eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!) o# R# q9 Q m7 w- L* Z8 w! A
. m% w! O: ~. d H! Y
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed. P$ C; n: ?+ W- H0 D
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# n0 e; d* W5 Z5 `; Vin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in( r6 ^* I S. t# b/ E" `% K1 g
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.& P. w1 t) c% q; d* W2 W* {
8 r# ~0 e2 j' K I2 T# ]: b
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,# }+ s& e. `0 b$ b/ ?4 N. p
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
* y" K* Y5 u! O6 H; t! T0 _) T/ Vwas around.) U% A3 B8 [+ b
- i8 \7 N; k: k- a
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
7 K5 Z8 a% s2 }6 f, T
; q d/ V3 U+ fTUESDAY:- O0 L: l e5 c* w2 U/ B9 B! K; a
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.& g5 q; B* G P N: d, X% o
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, K* z9 ]% n1 I: D
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the9 |, Q6 ], f, A5 r4 e; A3 p
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
j) M9 k; f4 p& N: e/ F; b) v9 y6 tall worthwhile.* w7 \! B3 O" c* z
; l- b% B" R W9 w9 H
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
6 ~+ ?' C0 x8 K1 r) z2 A% g
3 f" c: j% |) d MWEDNESDAY:
- T7 J/ P1 @. M& yThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
2 Z$ c! G- B v7 c$ Uthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
: q" j1 l0 M" h/ R6 Y$ S* za hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
. v5 O! ^8 `4 [" n- y, m. J' Osteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams) U/ H: ^- B6 F" o
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for4 }2 D4 W; I- Z: t$ ~& \9 B7 F. k
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
% F ~, X1 P5 q8 B1 i7 y0 z" W' H1 Cthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
' C- C9 M/ I m# a CBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a0 r, u$ C9 }, m+ i9 |& Z4 g# n
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda" J/ [5 x9 s8 d( O' D. N, I
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
$ V. ^* H2 I) n. ]
8 a( o$ H- o7 b; \# @9 ^She said some other shit too.
9 s9 y8 }: `7 Q. ~- g5 i
5 G5 ^2 C, y% Z6 M5 t' f- X: yTHURSDAY:% \, M" ]' R. e$ z7 P+ W
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as4 M2 x9 R" P# h9 k0 a
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
, _# f5 k. W! d) C7 L: j' y% Z! xbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda1 C5 r; |. H m4 ^! z. F9 m7 F
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
# Y& Y. L: q# M; Qhid in the men's room.
5 _" l& C6 \) i: p( u1 [" t
" O& z; g; x# m1 ]) K, KShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
9 A# P/ o4 a+ B0 V& |; P. ~machine -- which I sank.
0 E, s7 X/ G% w& }+ \2 ^
2 h5 S& W; `, }( \! R" d% iFRIDAY: Z! \ T1 r+ V1 c; v) p0 R
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
5 e+ j4 q+ A9 L- Q5 T9 Jany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
( k# Y1 q# L/ o! K7 F& janemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I" \0 P2 M: J( Y2 h1 l
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda) c4 J; c- e, d2 n: Q2 A& o
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!( ]5 I2 ^1 v e3 Y, n7 e1 E
6 a8 @2 `8 k3 ]) z$ T
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
9 |+ T; e% h1 f+ p$ P1 R, f X" K& Dthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.- Y/ M {4 p- T9 t% _- d9 t% _
n5 J) p3 V1 H ~6 E
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition! R& b, e {. f3 J* u" n& c
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
2 i% `1 i4 Q# Gor the choir director?
/ j3 b' |( D' _3 _ D2 f" y- D; J3 K+ b$ o% s8 \0 _
SATURDAY:, m7 J$ T# [8 v* D" k. r" X* R
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
: A A$ X I4 n8 ishrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& @3 g# g" o! |( Z9 hmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
# }# R9 ^9 `" l" H8 _. V- j- L; ~strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
. x( P6 ~ d f: W/ Chours of the Weather Channel.; U* ^0 g& i1 A- N a6 U: K% h) ^
( P% ~7 g+ e& ^5 t( V0 S8 `+ p* HSUNDAY:% G* p& g7 ^: \/ T
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
7 }) b; c3 B9 i) N( `% i; Cand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
4 \' E6 D) Y/ p% Mmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like0 f: o" q8 T3 L' D3 }
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
|
狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
提升卡
置顶卡
沉默卡
喧嚣卡
变色卡
显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
